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Cellulite is Happier When it’s Tan

April 14, 2009

I get that tanning is bad for you. I really do. I’ve read all the stuff and listened to my mother lecture about it for years. And despite spending hours telling my sister and I that tanning was the devil, in addition to ruining your skin-it would also cook your ovaries. Seriously. Specifically ovaries she always said. Which honestly? I’ve already had my one child so is that really all that bad? I would like to note that a few years back my mother started using tanning beds as well. Why may you ask? She came to the realization that I have known for years: cellulite looks happier when it’s tan.

I personally find cottage cheese to be one of the grossest things on the planet. Between the texture and the odor and the jiggling and the completely unappetizing color-I just don’t get it. But pudding, which while not quite as texturey is not all that different-it’s that light chocolate color that makes it all that more palatable. So while I may have dimply thighs (and honestly some people are just more cellulite-y that others. Even when I weighed a whopping 93 pounds I had pretty much the exact same amount of cellulite I do today) I prefer them (like it’s a club or something) to be a lovely chocolate shade rather than the blinding beached whale white of cottage cheese. I also find sour cream horribly disgusting for almost all of the same reasons as the aforementioned cottage cheese. So I prefer for parts of my body to resemble those two tubs of grossness as little as possible.

I once explained to a little bitty old black lady (and no, I’m not racist-that’s how she referred to herself) my cottage cheese versus chocolate pudding theory, ending with a blunt “fat looks better when it’s tan”-she completely agreed with me after laughing so hard I was worried I might have thrown this sweet lady into a heart attack. And that would have been a first. Even for me.

It’s sort of like the whole concept of dressing in dark colors-except for your skin. And when it comes down to it? I’m lazy. I get that there are self tanners, bronzers, make up, color enhancing lotion, and the truly lazy can even strip down naked and shove their business in another person’s face and pay them to spray their fat for them. And while I am actually not too lazy for the last option, I can not imagine yanking my clothes off and having my bare ass in someone’s face while they essentially paint my body. I can see no good reason to be naked and have somebody coming at me wearing a mask and toting equipment and a spray gun.

So, as a result, I go to the tanning bed. A few weeks back I am fairly sure the new girl tried to kill me. My tanning salon has new speed beds. Or, as I like to call them, twice the cancer in half the time. I’m pretty sure that was rejected as a slogan. Anyhoo, I hadn’t been in months and generally when I skip months-I start back at a lowly ten minutes and work my way up to a max of 20. Tanning should not be hard. But as I am laying there, parts of my body are starting to feel a bit like overly fried eggs. I don’t worry about it as I am not really a burner and it fades fast if I ever do. However as I get out of the tanning bed I notice a warning on the bottom of the bed that these beds are only used for a max of ten minutes. It would have been helpful had I figured that out 8 minutes and 2 fried nipples ago.

Lesson of the story? Read instructions. Don’t assume the people you are paying for a service will actually provide you with service, instructions, etc.  Always wash off your make up before bed.  And avoid the super beds with both UVA and UVB rays (I’m actually a little frightened of those).

And always, always use a good face creme.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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4 Comments leave one →
  1. betsy permalink
    April 14, 2009 1:36 AM

    LOVED reading this!!!!! looking forward to many more posts by you!!

  2. July 27, 2010 11:36 AM

    I just found your blog; second post in and I must comment already! I have been saying this for years — Tan fat is way better than white fat! I look forward to reading more.

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