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Safety First and All That…

June 2, 2009

Apparently, I am in danger of going up in flames. Right this very second. As I sit here typing.

I received an email that my laptop, which I have had since February of 2008, is in danger of bursting into flames due to some battery pack issues. Even better were the instructions for how to remove your battery. Close all programs. Turn computer off. Close laptop. Unplug. Carefully remove battery. Grab fire extinguisher because you were too much of a dumb ass to follow steps properly and are now being fried like extra crispy chicken.

Really? Like I said, I’ve had this latop for quite some time and I haven’t had an issue. And as I have proven repeatedly, if something is going to happen I am consistently the .5% of folks to which it happens. I have no doubt that I will one day give birth to a boucing baby something with a pre-pierced ear and an IUD stuck thru it. That’s just how I work.

Although as of late, the world seems to have upped the frequency of attacks on my life. (I have done some crazy things to bring it on myself, like going camping.)

We also got a letter from Build A Bear-where best friends are made. The gang over at Build a Bear is clearly in need of a slogan change. I’m proposing Build A Bear-where potentially homicidal toys and accessories are made. Seriously.  BAB is recalling a beach chair. For stuffed animals, let me be clear on that. For whatever reason, after 8 years of selling this, it has come to their attention that when folding the chair one may bruise or cut their fingers. Ummm…guys? The bear lounge chair is basically made out of glorified chopsticks and a bandanna. If your kid is injuring themselves on THIS, you’ve got way bigger problems than suing the company (just a guess, but isn’t that what generally prompts a recall?) Like, you need to pad your kid in bubble wrap, ban all foods on a stick (I did this to myself for the obvious safety concerns), and make gum a four letter word. And certainly avoid walking and talking at all costs. These are probably the same people that don’t believe coffee cups with a hot warning. (I don’t drink coffee so this is one that actually doesn’t apply to me.)

In addition to my laptop and Abby’s toys gunning for me, I am also in danger from the environmentalists, my Blackberry, and Isaac Mizrahi.

I now am in a rather annoying and constant state of not being able to breathe. Somehow, my teeny inhalers were bad for the ozone layer so they have now all been rendered ineffectual. Good for the ozone layer, bad for my lungs. First they were anti-fur and now they are anti-breathing. What’s next? Urination is bad for the Earth? I’m betting on that since I have significantly increased my water intake and urination frequency by default.

Shoe designers have been after me for years. I took my fave Isaac heels to my shoe man the other day. One heel came completely off, while I was walking, causing a spectacular tumble down some stairs. Shoe man is in awe of my skills, can’t believe the shoe actually broke as these are expensive and well made. He literally stood there with the shoe in his hand for 10 minutes, shaking his head and muttering things like “have you notified the company? These really shouldn’t have broken like this” and “But these aren’t even very worn, you need to email them”. How fondly I recall the first time a heel broke completely off a shoe…I was in college, at a bar, and drunk-I just thought the floor was slanted at a weird angle. Made my poor guy friend crawl around the floor of the club for an hour looking for the missing heel after I realized I was drunk and stupid and, most importanly, my favorite black boots were damaged.

The thing most likely to lead to my demise? That damn Blackberry. Since I have given up operating it and driving after watching 7 Pounds, totally dare you to watch that movie and NOT feel the same way, I have taken to Blackberry-ing and walking which has led to several of what I like to call Blaccidents. There really are things to trip over everywhere. Cracks, parking dividers, walls, tree roots. It’s a hazardous place out there.

Maybe I should get myself some bubble wrap.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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