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Thank you Nicholas Cage

July 11, 2009
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As if I didn’t have enough random/not so random things that I am afraid of, I now have another to add to the list. Solar flares. Yup. Thanks to Nick Cage and his movie Knowing, I have something new to add to my list. And my ever so helpful husband actually backed up the movie when he said “yeah, that could probably happen”.  Unfortunately, I don’t know if my Sky & Telescope reading borderline geek husband is telling the truth OR if he is doing one of his feeds me some story, makes it sound all scientific and believable until I share it with others and the inevitable pointing and laughing  and who told you thats follow. (I would like some credit that since he and I are smart in totally different ways, for the most part, I never take advantage of him and do the same thing. Of course, I also start to giggle every time I try to lie so it’s not necessarily because I am a good person.)

I vaguely remember hearing about solar flares in school but, a. that was a long time ago and b. I doubt I really paid attention, garnering only enough knowledge to do well on the test and go back to reading literature under my desk during math/science. (In 3rd grade I got in trouble for sneaking Tom Sawyer under my desk to read during math. And my parents were called and my poor teacher wasn’t sure how to yell at me but I was still in trouble.) And I certainly can’t google it and educate myself now because on the off chance my sweet hubby (he really is) isn’t bull-shitting me I don’t need an even more vivid image in my head of the complete destruction of our planet and all of our flesh burning off on the spot because I am imaginative enough, thank you very much, and don’t need further assistance or silly facts from science to make me have nightmares. I can do that on my own.

I get the whole quote about only having fear itself to fear and all that and truly, I understand. Heck, I even believe it and would endorse it. My logical, albeit smaller, part of my brain totally gets that. Statistics and proof and reason(one of my least favorite things) and how much worse we can make things than they actually are. Got it. Believe me, I am Queen of the Overactive Imagination (it’s in smaller letters on my hot pink sash that proclaims me Queen of Beating a Dead Horse and Never Letting a Sleeping Dog Lie. In Glitter. And rhinestones. And the rhinestone crown my sweet hubby bought me in New Orleans is Glorious).

So while I have the normal paralyzing fears that most people have (at least I think most people do, if I’m wrong feel free to share) such as end of the world, something happening to the munchkin or J or my parents or sister (she rocks), end of the world, job loss, etc I also have a few not so normal ones. And, since that’s what I do, I thought I’d share.

Slugs. Petrified. Not even entirely sure why. Snails don’t bother me as much but slugs throw me over the edge. Quickly. Not a chance I will walk outside barefoot if it’s dark. I can’t even deal with salting them. Basically, it’s lots of screaming and make it go away. There was a huge one on my front door once. My neighbors came running. They literally thought someone was killing me. Sadly, if someone ever does try to actually kill me now no one will come running as my neighbors will assume it’s a slug and that I am a lunatic. And feeding your dog? Unless it is in a hermaticallysealed container (the food not the dog) there is not a chance in hell I will stick my hand in there and feed your poor dog. It would starve. In high school, I reached into a bag of dog food, came out with two slugs on my arm, screamed, showered twice, threw out the pj’s I was wearing and caused my parents to seriously consider investing in therapy. Hasn’t changed much.

Shower curtains. This one can actually be traced back to movies. Nothing good ever happens in a movie involving a shower curtain. Even hot shower scenes? Rarely will you see anything other than glass doors, although partly for stability’s sake. If your sweetie tried to push you up against a shower curtain and make out with you, someone is ending up with a head injury. Poor Sarah Jessica Parker had a shower curtain on Sex & the City and a man wanted her to pee on him for God’s sake. But it gets worse. Psycho? Shower curtain. Body transport? Shower curtain. Knife wielding maniac hiding? Certainly not behind a clear glass door. No one ever wraps up flowers or presents in a shower curtain, just horribly dismembered bodies. And oftentimes dumps them in a lake (I also have an issue with lakes and water where you can’t see the bottom).  Before we moved in together, on the occasions we spent the night together (gasp!) and at J’s place, we had constant shower curtain battles. Since we were engaged and not yet married, I still had moments where I thought I maybe shouldn’t fully expose my fiance to what a whackjob I was until I had him legally bound to me and it was harder for him to get away. I would close it and he would open it. Back and forth. Multiple times a day. And night. Finally I approached him all coolly and seductively. “Baby, why do you leave the shower curtain open? That’s so not cool and it looks ridiculous”. Him, looking at me trying to figure out where I could possibly be going with this, “Yes, people buy patterned shower curtains to keep them closed and hide the designs. Plus, the mold. They need to be open to dry out”. I give up and tearfully break down and explain to him that I am not as fabulous as he thinks and, in addition to many other things I have issues with, I am terrified of shower curtains. He actually kind of laughs and explains that he already knew I had “quirks” (good lord he really is a nice man) and it’s one of the things he loves about me but from now on he will leave the shower curtain closed. Even though it will grow mold and that’s what I should really be worried about. So one day while he was out of town I watched The Shining. I had never seen it and had heard it was scary, even though I have banned myself from scary movies (for obvious reasons), I was making an exception as this was a classic.

My husband texts me “what are you doing?”

Me: “Watching The Shining”.

Him: “That’s really not a good idea and you should stop immediately.”

Him again: “No really. Stop now. Right now.”

Me: “Don’t be silly. It’s not that bad and I’ll talk to you later.

Me (in an hour): “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU HATE ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO NEVER SLEEP OR BATHE AGAIN? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS, YOU ARE THE MEANEST PERSON EVER FOR LETTING ME WATCH THAT MOVIE!!!”

Him: “I’m in a meeting and I told you not to”.

Me: “I HATE YOU FOR NOT TELLING ME THERE WAS A SHOWER SCENE AND I AM NEVER TALKING TO OR SLEEPING WITH YOU AGAIN!”

Him: “I don’t believe you and I forgot.”

Moving on to the next thing, something being in my bed. I pretty much always look to make sure there is nothing under the sheets waiting for me inside my bed. Also due to movies, I have this fear that someone will sneak in and leave snakes or spiders or some other torturous item that will kill me the second I slip into my bed. If you knew some of my exes, you would realize this is probably actually a legit concern. But I still do it. And it worries me.

Bed is seemingly a source of terror for me (in constant amazement that I often manage to sleep 9 hours a night, sometimes more) as I am also terrified, thanks specifically to Pet Sematary, that there will be someone under my bed desiring nothing more than to slash my ankles. So ever since 6th grade, when I saw this movie, I have sort of done this fast walk/leap into my bed from 3 feet away when the lights are out (also mildly afraid of the dark. I won’t walk in a dark room or up/down dark stairs.) Again, I didn’t want my now husband to witness all my idiosyncrasies in their shining glory, I let him think I leap into bed due to overwhelming excitement at being near him. Hmmm, he actually still may not know this is not (always) the case so don’t tell him. My mother, on the other hand, would often yell across the house to “Quit that foolishness! No one is under your bed! That only happens in parking lots!”

The combination of the above 2 fears results (especially with dark factored in) in a complete inability to flush the toilet when I get up to pee at night, a frequent occurrence. See, I’m pretty sure the toilet flushing noise would provide enough “cover” for someone to sneak under my bed or to place a deadly snake inside it.

My mother, thanks to the articles she would bring down to Auburn and tape inside our dorm room door so they would be the last thing we saw before going out, instilled fears of someone being under or in the car waiting to kill me, being mugged/killed/kidnapped from a parking lot, and becoming a victim of the date rape drug (though probably not in a parking lot). So parking lots are now a very frightening place to me and I also never accepted a drink from someone I didn’t know very well or left my drink unsupervised (if I would allow my mother to read my blog, I’m sure she’d be proud right now. And then immediately go back to being horrified). Of course, I now also routinely carry my keys positioned thru my fingers so that I could gouge someones eyes out, also a  lesson from mom, and I always check the back seat and under the car from a distance. Parked next to a “kidnapper’s van” (you know the kind. Creepy, no windows) I will actually get in on the opposite side.

Other things? Jello. No, I don’t know why but I detest jello to the point that my daughter has actually started telling people I’m scared of it. One day, I walked in to her class to have several children wave jello in my face and say things like “Abby’s mom! Abby’s mom! Are you scared right now?” I guess I should just be glad they don’t know about the slugs or shower curtains.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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One Comment leave one →
  1. July 12, 2009 1:03 AM

    Slugs are disgusting. We had a small infestation of them in our last house one summer… yeeeccccch!

    And Nicholas Cage’s movies lately are more scary to me than anything. I used to like that guy.

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