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Boot Camp. No, this is not about fall footwear. (Maybe a little bit)

August 19, 2009

There is a long list of things I don’t do, or that I don’t believe in as my hubs would say. Cooking, sleeping outside, peeing in the woods, team sports, eating jello-and other oddly squishy foods, sporting anything with a heart motif, drinking water on an empty stomach, answering the phone (although a good portion of the time this is not by choice as I rarely know where my phone is and even if I do have it, chances are it’s screwed up somehow). These are all on my do not do list. Exercise, until Monday, was very high on this list as, quite frankly, I don’t like to sweat unless an orgasm is going to be a result of the effort.

Elementary school PE certainly did not instill in me a love of sports/physical activity as even four square is  to this day one of the most traumatic experiences of my entire life. It has also left me with a deeply ingrained fear of balls flying at my face.  I’m fairly sure I’ve never done a push up or pull up in my entire life and I frequently walked the “eraser relay” portion of the Presidential Physical Fitness Tests…much to the horror of the PE teachers. Outside of school, I took art and French and read a whole lot and wrote stories-I did take dance but the minimal, once a week activity, was made up for with sparkly costumes. If only I had access to a swarovski crystal encrusted basketball…history may have been different. Doubtful, as not wearing mesh is also on the don’t do list. But it couldn’t have hurt. To top it off, I just don’t get the whole team sport mentality. I would rather succeed or fail on my own than have to have either of those chances left up to a bunch of other folks. During bratchild’s brief foray into soccer, I tried to explain this to her coach and one would have thought I had just shot Santa Claus. In front of every child on the planet. I can’t help it-I don’t get sports/exercise/Nascar (not totally related but sort of in there).

My distaste for physical activity continued into high school, during which I managed to never take a gym class. Partly because I didn’t want to have to sweat, change clothes, re-fix hair and make up-the whole process seemed needlessly complicated. And honestly? I was a little too anal about my clothing for all that. I kept a calendar on the back of my bedroom door for the express purpose of planning out my outfits for a month at a time. Craziness. So I took choir which  somehow  managed to satisfy both the state’s  one year PE requirement and mine of not sitting thru English smelling like a locker room. Of course, in high school, I had no reason to exercise as I naturally looked like this:


Granted it was later discovered that I had an enormous, possibly cancerous growth on my thyroid which had my metabolism all crazy but still, the no exercise worked for me. I could down a large pizza, a half gallon of ice cream, sleep for 11 hours and not gain a pound. It was bliss. Hmmm…why did I let them remove my thyroid again? Oh yeah, possibly cancerous. Well, it wasn’t and I sure miss being able to eat and sleep constantly and still weigh in at 93 pounds. Anyhoo, gained a little in college. Not totally sure why…wait-I think it was the beer. Possibly. But really up until I was 24 and had bratchild-I was pretty darn happy with my body. Still not exercising and eating pretty much what I wanted. It worked. Obviously, something changed. Baby weight? Still trying to lose it. How old is she? 8. Months? No, years. So I decided enough  was enough and I had to do something. Sigh. Coincidentally a super nice guy I went to school with forever has started this boot camp. Since folks keep asking me, you can get more details here:

Pretty much everyone I know thought I was insane. My dad choked with laughter. Repeatedly. My mom kept asking what was I going to wear and how exactly was I planning on getting up at 5am, 5 days a week.  J is planning on hiding in the bushes and taking pics and there is a group of folks involved in a cash bet where they have all selected how many days they think I will make it before I quit. Two actually bet I would get kicked out…Anyhoo those of you that had days 1 and 3? You’re out. 🙂

I have to say, filling out the online application and reading the rules had me a bit nervous. Goals? Wanted to put only have one chin and a non-jiggly ass. Also, would be nice if my arms didn’t continue to wave goodbye to people 8 minutes after I had stopped. Decide that may not be appropriate, I went with the simple lose weight/tone up-even though I think the above goals are more specific.

AND there are rules, which are another thing I don’t really believe in. As long as you aren’t disturbing/hurting somebody else-I just don’t see the point. But there’s more…these rules have penalties. Push Ups! Push ups for cussing and mentioning doughnut, twinkies, etc. Push ups for being late and other things which I have clearly blocked from my mind. I desperately wanted to ask for a list of what words were considered to be “bad language” but was too worried that even asking would result in push ups. Personally, I don’t really consider shit, ass, hell to be foul language but need to know if there are, in fact, push up inducing words.

My pre-assessment was a trifle troubling. Body fat was on the questionnaire. I would have been happy with just putting “yes” but according to the body fat fancy indicator thingy-I am at 49% body fat. Essentially, half of my body is fat which is even more distressing since I thought like 70% of our bodies were water? The fat has overtaken the water in my case, there has been a coup. THAT was when I decided that I was seriously going to do this.

SO…I bought running shoes. I actually went back and figured out that I have never owned a pair of running shoes. I’ve had cross trainer/hikey/Merrel type things but never any shoes specifically designated for running. First, I think it’s because running shoes are not cute. I remember attempting to buy a pair once upon a time and giving up once I decided that none of them were flattering and they actually made my feet look fat, which they aren’t. Secondly, I don’t run. The only running I’ve really ever done has been in heels. And, more often than not, away from a horrible, disastrous date. It’s amazing how fast you can move in strappy four inch heels or stiletto knee high boots when you are truly motivated. Terror and disgust can be a fabulous thing on occasion. Third? The few times I have attempted running I just can’t stand the whap-whomp of my bubbies as they flop around on my chest. The noise is really unsettling and doesn’t seem to go away…even when squashed into 3 sizes too small sports bra…which also doesn’t particularly help my asthma as the tightness of the bra and subsequent flattening seem to stunt my breathing.  And while the celebrity trend appears to be working out in heels and bikinis, I don’t quite think I am there yet.

On that note, I did take a “before” shot of myself in a sports bra and little tight work out capri pants (damn you Style network and your before meeting after and whatnot). I plan on taking a pic in the same ensemble at the end of this, should I survive and retain the ability to get clothing on my crippled body. And, if there are results, I will post them in a blog. I currently can’t get up and down stairs or off and on the loo so surely I will have SOMETHING to show for it all!

With this being BOOT camp and all and it practically being fallish-it did put me in a fall footwear state of mind. So I bought these to celebrate the kick off of boot camp and I, hopefully, will be sporting them with a short skirt and legs with a bit of definition.



Happy fall ya’ll!

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 20, 2009 11:34 AM

    That was hilarious! Thanks for the shout out too, very cool.

  2. Franchelle permalink
    August 20, 2009 1:26 PM

    I was really worried you wouldn’t live up to your word about talking footwear. You didn’t, and I’m proud. Also, proud about the bootcamp thing, too. Continued success!

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