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As the Spanx Turn…

January 5, 2010

Before I begin, I should probably say that Spanx and I have had, at times, what you might call a tumultuous relationship.

When I got married the first time, back in 2000, I was still young and cute and didn’t particularly need to be sucked in. My fitted bodice, princess skirted ivory gown (who are we kidding, in addition to white being extremely unflattering on me-I’m not exactly a white kind of girl) allowed me to wear thong panties and my still B cup boobs didn’t need a bra. Ahhh…youth.

Fast forward to my second wedding in 2007.  Factor in baby weight that never really went away (bratchild  is 8 for those keeping track at home),  and breasts that miraculously jumped two cup sizes in as many years (I knew I shouldn’t have wished for big boobs so much) and I needed a little, errrr, assistance (although I was gleeful that my larger breasts were still perky and I can still go bra-less, which I almost ALWAYS am if I am wearing something strapless). Sidenote: I once told my now and completely fantabulous hubs that I wanted faux bubbies and then was offended when he offered to buy them. I’m surprised he drinks less and not more than when we first met. Anyhoo, for every pound I added once I got over 110, approximately 10,000 little cellulite blobs attached themselves to my ass. They MADE their own party in my pants…and invited ALL of their friends. It wasn’t bring your own beer or baby, it was bring your own blob. For THIS wedding, I was doing everything exactly how I wanted-and that included dress. I got a knee-length, strapless pale pink silk dress from Ann Taylor and added a chocolate brown sash at the waist. Sadly, while they dress did look good, it somehow highlighted my ass’ party guests. Fortunately by this time in life, I was pretty experienced with Spanx. But not as experienced as I THOUGHT…

My wedding day had a little bit of drama and potential homicides/kidnapping/bound and gagging of family members/carnage in my yard left me a little distracted to say the least. Prior to the bombing of…I mean our wedding day, I had thoughtfully purchased the Spanx that go from your knee clear up to your breastesess. Reasoning, that since the dress was ever so slightly flared and then, once again, fitted on the top-I thought I’d give the higher ones a whirl. This actually worked out awesome, until I panicked about 2 things: 1. How was I going to pee without getting completely naked and 2: worrying about 5 minutes prior to the wedding that I had suddenly started my period. I was in a pickle, I didn’t have time, or enough people handy, to get fully undressed, go to the bathroom, and get completely re-dressed before the ceremony started but I ALSO couldn’t chance standing in front of folks in a pale pink silk dress and bleeding everywhere. Always quick on my feet, if nothing else, I grabbed my one of my closest friends (relationship and proximity wise) and asked her to get on the floor and look up my skirt to see if I had started my period. Bless her. Really. I still OWE her, especially considering the following exchange:

Me: “Okay, am I bleeding?”

Lovely friend: “OH MY GOD!!! You have a hole!”

Me: “Yes, I’m aware of that. Is it bleeding?”

Lovely friend: “No, you have a hole-in your Spanx. OH MY GOD-they’re crotchless.”

Me: “Oh…sorry. I didn’t know they made crotchless Spanx.”

The crotchless Spanx actually worked out delightfully, in several aspects, until I got tired and cold and changed into my trusty cashmere lounge outfit. BUT the whole episode left me well prepared for this past New Year’s Eve.

Strapless, fitted black satin black dress, had a little bit of draping at the waist but I knew regular underwear was just not going to cut it. The years have taught me a few valuable lessons as far as Spanx go:

1. Forget the ones that have pantyhose like material to your calf-they are a waste-calf length hose serve no purpose and the panty hose fabric invariably rips-rendering rather expensive foundation garments useless.

2. In my particular situation, I don’t really feel the thigh to waist option is the best for me. It squeezes the party in my ass, up to my waist which is really not good. With the boob-high option, those little cellulite friends almost act as though they have been added to my cleavage. That is much preferred to an inner tube effect around my waist-under my dress, reminiscent of those horrid bathing suits with built-in flotation devices. I generally do not need a personal floatation device at cocktail parties. (College doesn’t count.)

3. Do NOT, under any circumstances, apply make up or lotion prior to wrasslin’ yourself into some Spanx. The Spanx adhere to lotion on legs which makes pulling them up even more of a challenge than normal. As far as the makeup, I work up such a sweat prying the Spanx on that the makeup actually runs off my face in rivulets and I essentially have to start over. I swear I get a better work out from Spanx than anything else.

4. Crotchless really is the way to go. Pulling them up and down, particularly when cocktails are thrown in the mix is just too hard.

So, for NYE, clearly my best option was the thigh to bubbie crotchless option. However, in my hurry to gather up items so we could head to the hotel to get all dressed up and fancy like-I made the grievous error of slathering lotion all over my body before we left to the house. So when I went to put on Spanx, we had a little situation-I couldn’t get it up. I actually had to incorporate my hubs into this endeavor which may be on the list of least sexiest things I have EVER done-and there are more than you can imagine. Fortunately, the sweet man is now unshockable and immune to any ridiculous/spastic/mostly uncoordinated thing I do. After not being able to get them over my belly button, despite buying the correct size, I called in reinforcements. Spanx must be damned near indestructible because hubs was pulling so hard that at points during this battle, I was off the ground. We (he) finally dragged them up to my boobs for me to discover, much to my dismay, that they were twisted and turned all crazy-like. The seam was pretty much spiral which one would THINK would not be that big of an issue. However, the seam position is related to the position of the pee-hole opening and at the current angle, there was absolutely no possibility of me urinating without going all over the Spanx OR taking off both my dress, my shoes,  and the Spanx. We had to start over. My ever logical husband is convinced that they need to go on like a wet suit-positioned perfectly and with lubrication. After explaining that lubrication was why we were in this awkward position, we pulled them back up and he essentially twirled the fabric around my body until the seam was straight and peeing without making a mess was possible. This was slightly painful and at times I felt as though my skin was being peeled off of my body…or very roughly exfoliated.

Sharing this story with a fellow reveller elicited the below conversation:

Other girl: “Oh wow, I NEVER let me my husband see me in my Spanx, air of mystery and all that. I can’t believe you had him HELP you.”

My reply: “Well, here’s the deal. I’ve sort of accepted the idea that J knows I am not perfect and a complete spaz and loves me anyway and after going thru several pairs of Spanx when I had to throw them away on dates, I’m just not willing to trash that kind of money-literally.”

Other girl (skeptically): “Why did you throw away Spanx?”

Me: “Well, when I was young and silly and drank more than I do now, I decided it was preferable to let a boyfriend think I was panty-less than for him to know I wore Spanx. So I threw away several pairs in trash cans at bars, restaurants, parties, etc.”

Other girl. “Oh, I need another drink.” (Shocking how many of my conversations with other people end in this manner.)

And with that, I wish you all a very Happy (and appropriately undergarmented at all times) New Year!

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. January 5, 2010 12:48 AM

    I just came across this post in tags, you are too funny! I’ve had a few battles with my Spanx as well, and actually just posted about them the other day! Please check it out… In the meantime, I’ll be back for plenty more!

  2. Beth Anne permalink
    January 5, 2010 3:18 PM

    I could totally hear you telling this story, and it made me laugh! Classic!

  3. Amelia permalink
    January 5, 2010 5:11 PM

    Amy, this was FANTASTIC!! my husband has helped me put my spanx on too girl!

  4. Jaymie permalink
    January 5, 2010 9:39 PM


    I have to tell you I very much enjoyed your story. I laughed so hard my husband was looking at me like I lossed my mind.


  5. Ryan permalink
    January 5, 2010 10:00 PM

    WOW! Awesome story!

  6. January 12, 2010 11:59 AM

    Well the battle to get the Spanx on worked…you looked amazing at the party!

  7. amyblam permalink*
    January 13, 2010 10:45 PM

    Thanks ma’am! Was good to see you!

  8. Martha Lewallen (Ronda's mom) permalink
    January 20, 2010 10:12 PM

    OMG! That is the funniest story I have read today! Keep it up girl!

  9. April 10, 2010 8:45 AM

    crotchless spanx are genius – why haven’t i learned about these lol! and i told my husband once that i wanted fake boobs and he said “i love you the way you are but if you want them then i support you” and i was like “so now you think i need fake boobs?!?!?” our men. bless them 🙂

  10. April 10, 2010 8:46 AM

    oh and happy saturday sits sharefest!

  11. May 14, 2010 2:42 PM

    So I just found you on alabaster cow and you are HILARIOUS! I also have a love/hate with spanx. I one time thought that if I bought a smaller size it would somehow make me look smaller, uh, no, it actually made me look bigger not to mention I threw out my shoulder trying to put them on! I am now following you (that sounded creepy)….

    Have a great weekend.


  12. Michelle permalink
    November 4, 2011 2:21 AM

    I have never thrown them away LOL Hid them in my boots once and came out bare-foot, sleeves of coats, large purse, you name it I may have hidden my spanx in there LOL I cannot believe you were tossing them. I moved to the middle of no where and was looking for info online to get another pair and found your blog… Nice 🙂


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