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Conversations With The Hubs-Numero 1

January 7, 2010

Again, I’m basically writing this because my husband is convinced I write blogs about him all the time (almost never) and that I complain about him in them (totally never as I think he is amazing and a far nicer person than I-which is often annoying).

I was originally going to include all the random/odd/funny(to me anyways) conversations that I could think of…but then it would be a book and not a blog post. And it’s not like I am not wordy already. So…I came up with a NEW and IMPROVED plan. I am going to post random conversations when I think of them/when they happen. This will accomplish, hopefully, some shorter and more frequent posts . When I get going, I tend to get going. I write for an hour, run spell check, don’t really edit it, and hit publish. So I added #1 to this blog title and maybe I can remember what number I’m on next time I get a hair to post one of our chats (we had a lovely one today about a basset hound’s penis-I thought it was his stomach).

Conversations About Tasers (more frequent than one would think, below are the highlights):

1. Nashville. One of my fave authors, Jen Lancaster, was coming to Nashville to speak and I wanted to go meet her since I am fairly sure we are somehow related. In typical fashion, I decided to make an “Event” out of it and made plans to spend the night and do some shopping. As I was walking around the Mall at Green Hills (Which has a lovely Macy’s. Anyone else notice my continued bitterness that we don’t have a Macy’s?) Because I can’t have anything normal happen to me, I noticed a creepy old guy was following me around the mall. He even sat directly opposite from me when I ate lunch and he wasn’t eating. To be fair, I should probably clarify that when I say “creepy old guy” he honestly was probably in his late thirties/early forties. I often classify people as old because I routinely forget that I, myself, am 32 and I find it tremendously amusing that I am a “grown-up” with a house, kid, jobettes, hubby, and a whole room to house my 100plus pairs of shoes. Growing weary with being followed, I turn around and walk up to C.O.G. This turn of events completely confused the guy. Confusion turned to terror when I informed him, “If you continue to follow me, I am going to pull out my taser and use it on you”. He actually ran the other way. I’m half surprised he didn’t report ME to mall security.

When I relayed said events to the hubs, it went something like this:

J: “Why did you say that?”

Me: “I wanted him to leave me alone.”

J: “But it’s not even true! You don’t have a taser.”

Me: “Well, he doesn’t know that!”

There was sighing and head shaking (a common occurence) and J asked me if I wanted a taser. I think he considered it until Taser Conversation 2…

Setting: We are at a gun show in Montgomery, complete with protestors which I found to be one of the funniest things I’d ever seen (because there were 2. With 10 police persons watching them wave around their cardboard and poster paint signs). Bratchild and I are beyond bored and wandering around aimlessly. J points out that sometimes wives of dealers come to shows with jewelry and items to try to give females something to purchase. He clearly has never checked out these wares or he never would have suggested it as the chance of me buying a red, white, and blue plastic bead bracelet with plastic American flags is about as likely as him buying me a taser…which I probably had a shot of getting until this exchange.

Me: “What’s that sound?”

J: “It’s the guy selling tasers.”

Me: “Ooooohhhh, I didn’t know there were tasers OR that they would be demonstrating them! Do you think they’d let me try one?”

J: “I’m sure, that’s kind of why they’re here.”

Me: “Okay, well you better come with me. I don’t know if they have someone for you to test them on or if you have to bring your own.”

J: “They’re not going to let you try it on real people.”

Me: “How else will I know if it works?”

Gun Conversations:

We’ve had quite a few of these. J has taken me shooting and I’m pretty okay at it. He even went so far as to purchase me a gun that I was never allowed to touch or shoot. I saw it in passing once and then heard he sold it. The hubs alternates between thinking I should have one for “protection” and worrying that when I’m irritated with traffic, lines, idiots, and people that write checks I will pull it out and wave it around over my head in a “why are you so stupid/please hurry up/I can’t stand inconsiderate people/get out of the way/locate your brain” manner. Somehow in the carpool line for early pickup due to end of the world blizzard 2010, this came up.

J: “Arizona was an open carry state, that was the nice thing about living there.:

Me: “Oooooh, so you could carry your gun around in public and wave it over your head and stuff?”

J: “No, that’s called brandishing. You are never allowed to do that anywhere. Ever. Really.”

Me: “Laws just take the fun out of everything.”

Gun Accessories:

J: “When I get you a gun for your personal protection (giggle, me-not him) you need to consider how you are going to carry it.”

Me: “Boob holster?”

J: “Not a chance.”

Me: “Thigh holster? That would probably be hot under a cocktail dress.”

J: “This is serious. They make special purses for women to use when they are carrying.”

Me: “I don’t have  purses, I have handbags.”

J: (points one out at a gun show) “We can get you one like this.”

Me: “That looks like those over the shoulder organizer purses that are “genuine” leather.”

J: “But is has pockets and you can have  a specific gun pocket and you will have to practice how to remove the gun from your purse in an emergency.”

Me: “My Tory Burch and Burberry HANDBAGS have pockets as well, one of those can be a gun pocket.”

J: sighs and head shakes abound

(Anyone notice I learned how to make a word a link? It’s the little things…)

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. January 7, 2010 7:19 PM

    I WANT A TASER! It has been on my Christmas list (and every other list) since I fell in love with Veronica Mars!

  2. amyblam permalink*
    January 7, 2010 8:18 PM

    What is Veronica Mars?

  3. Karen permalink
    January 7, 2010 11:04 PM

    You know Jen Lancaster got published from her blog! I smell a book in your future.

  4. amyblam permalink*
    January 7, 2010 11:11 PM

    Thanks! Oh lord, I would LOVE it. I could finally have someone fix my hair everyday so I don’t have to start wearing wigs!

  5. January 11, 2010 10:01 AM

    Veronica Mars = 3 of the best seasons of TV ever!

    • amyblam permalink*
      January 11, 2010 5:18 PM

      I’m going to have to try to find that!

  6. Allison permalink
    January 15, 2010 11:53 AM

    So I think the quote of the day is, “Laws just take the fun out of everything.”

    Good job on the hyperlinking!

  7. Allison permalink
    January 15, 2010 11:56 AM

    PS – when your first book is published I will host a launch party where we will all wear pj pants, long sleeve t-shirts, boaa, pearls, and tiaras. 🙂

  8. amyblam permalink*
    January 15, 2010 5:30 PM

    You managed to hit almost all of my favorite things! Love it! & thanks!

  9. csamp permalink
    January 23, 2010 1:17 PM

    I just bought a taser.a red one. I wanted pink but they were sold out (upcoming Vday and all) I’m supposed to take a class to learn to use it. I probably should considering I accidentally maced myself onetime.

  10. amyblam permalink*
    January 23, 2010 10:22 PM

    Oh honey, of course you did! Not that I can talk, I don’t have any mace. I didn’t even know there were taser classes!

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