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I Was Unaware that I am CLEARLY the Most Evil Person on the Planet.

February 24, 2010

I was obviously mistaken when I assumed that people like Hitler, Kim Jong Il, Killer Whales, (as shown by today’s news) government, Osama bin Laden, terrorists, child molesters,  (I am all for firing squads coming back in some cases) etc were the most evil things out there. It would seem I was wrong. Again.

For a long time, I have actually been quite aware that I am not the nicest person on the planet. It’s not a shocker and the main contributing factor is that I am pretty honest, and for most people, honest does not equal nice. I will say that I am pretty darn loyal and if you need something-I’m totally there. BUT, honest seems to cancel that out for lots of folks; which is okay by me as the two qualities that matter the most to ME about people is if they are honest and funny. And if you’re not cool with me being honest-then it’s probably not high on your own personal personality assets. But anyways…

Some examples. While I am not a violent person in any way; I do say what I think and I often try to be somewhat pleasant about it…unless you’re an idiot. Then, I make no promises. And I have been known to fuss at random children in public. In a hotel in Savannah I made some tweens take me to their parents so I could tell their parents how dreadful their behavior was. They were getting off and on elevators, running and screaming, and shoving old people that were carrying bags out of their way-knocking one little lady into a wall. I may be a bitch but I am rarely rude.

I’ve also pointed out to people that perhaps they should give up their seat to the old person/guy with broken leg/pregnant chick and have also fussed at men that park in pregnant lady parking.

I get significantly annoyed by people that won’t wait for people to exit an elevator, door, etc before barging thru them. Really? Only so many people will fit on an elevator so it might be slightly helpful to allow people to disembark before you slam into them.

I once fussed at two children outside Target because a boy had his infant sister in a shopping cart and was twirling it around so that it was slightly off the ground and sideways. Directly next to the lane of traffic. I told him to knock it off because their mother was smoking and chatting with her friends; unaware that junior was trying to launch baby sister into oncoming traffic.

AND smokers? DRIVE me nuts, which is honestly a fairly short trip anyways, and I think that’s pretty obvious by my various complaints here. BUT I despise people that stand outside entrances smoking when you have NO choice but to walk thru them. I’ve commented on that to a few people as well. And people that smoke with their kids in the car, particularly with the windows rolled up? Yeah, you pretty much suck.

About a month ago I was in Kroger while we were having freakishly cold aka fur coat weather; I was quietly shopping in my cashmere lounge outfit, running shoes, and fur coat. Totally doing my own thing; only slightly glaring at the woman with 5 kids who was blocking all aisles AND running into people with one of those car buggies (the kind I would never use because they’re impossible). I’m mentally thinking what a hateful person she is as she is bundled up as Nanook of the North off to explore the arctic tundra -and her children? Are half-naked. No really, in long sleeve t-shirts and jeans. And before you fuss at me that maybe they didn’t have anything to wear, they were all VERY well dressed in brand new Polo clothing and the mom had a very expensive handbag. BUT I wasn’t saying anything as the hubs is convinced someone is going to shoot me one day. THEN she turns to me and starts the whole “fur is murder” bs. So I simply look at her and calmly say, “Really? What’s all that hamburger meat in your buggy? And, seriously? I bet your inappropriately dressed, freezing children would love a fur coat, or any coat for that matter, right about now. They’re blue.” Then, in front of her children, she called me a bitch. I totally didn’t start this one so I MUST be evil.

BUT the final proof came today. I was at a wing place and had actually arrived early; waiting on Ronda & Sarah and totally minding my own business. Yet again. In fact, the only words I had even uttered were, “Unsweet tea please”. That was it. I was perusing the Valley Planet, where my friend Allison has an awesome column,  and checking stuff on my Blackberry. Facing me were a husband and wife, I’m guessing, and their 18 month-ish old daughter; who was super cute, smiling at me, and crawling around on the booth some. She was totally behaving; unlike many children I see running in circles, bothering people at other tables, dumping food on the floor. Those kids? Hate them. You know what? It’s not even their fault, I blame their parents that sit there in an isn’t that adorable manner while Bobby Sue is setting some old  man’s hair on fire. But anyways, back to me, I EVEN SMILED AND WAVED BACK TO HER. And then, THEN, I hear the mother say to the child, “You better behave or that lady right there is going to beat you”. Clearly looking at me. What the HELL? I was nice, quiet, I smiled. Do I have horns sticking out of my head that I am unable to see? Do I merely LOOK evil? (Sarah said no, and Ronda’s answer was a little mumbled.)

So there goes the nail in my coffin. If random women use me as a device to get their children to behave, I am obviously the most evil person on the planet.

(And to add insult to injury, so to speak, I had BOTH French fries AND wings at lunch which clearly fall into the fried food category-though the lack of batter on each tends to throw me. BUT I totally gave up fried food, candy, and non-diet pop for Lent. I’m heading somewhere fast in a monogrammed handbasket though the hubs says while lies make baby Jesus cry, me eating a fry is not likely to.)

P.S. I am most pleased with myself for learning how to link so I imagine I will be obnoxious about it for much time to come.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. aksaint permalink
    February 24, 2010 7:38 PM

    If it makes you feel any better, I often tell my son that if he runs off in the grocery store, someone will kidnap him and raise him in their wierd religion. I never point out specific people, though. That’s too anti-social even for me.

  2. amyblam permalink*
    February 24, 2010 8:55 PM

    I recently traumatized my own child by telling her that if she didn’t regularly wash her hands for as long as it takes to sing the ABC song, that she could catch a crazy disease and die.

  3. Cate permalink
    February 25, 2010 6:25 AM

    I’m glad there are such ‘evil’ people as you in the world! I am right there with you…but don’t have your general guts to say it out loud to people. So kudos to you for (trying) to set the stupid people of this world straight!!! AND and honest woman is hard to find….now I know who to call for important clothing choices. I’d rather someone tell me it looked bad BEFORE I left the house, than have everyone talk about me after! 😉

    As for traumatizing children, I try but they still do their stuff. Lil bites her nails/cuticles/fingers! to a lovely raw meat state. Ewww! She chose for her science project this fall (with some encouraging from us) to see just how dirty hands are. Jay got the agar plates from work. We plated hands (Jake and Lil’s) 1- fresh from school/ no washed 2- washed w/ warm water only 3- washed with regular soap (ivory) 4-antibiotic soap and lastly 5- purell.

    The results were gross! We had pictures made and mounted on the board, counted cell colonies, blah blah blah. Girlchild STILL kept biting her fingernails/hands. So I googled necrotizing fascitis images and showed them to her. told her that this is a real possibility and that if i had to cut off her arm to save her life, i would. Result? No change in behavior. So when you see me out with the one armed wonder, you’ll know why!

  4. amyblam permalink*
    February 25, 2010 8:39 AM

    Well you may have talked ME out of picking on/biting my nails! 🙂

  5. February 25, 2010 10:59 AM

    Sadly I don’t think even you are scary enough to set my children straight! 😉

  6. amyblam permalink*
    February 25, 2010 4:20 PM

    I don’t know, Miss P looked either traumatized or WTF when I went to sniff her that day.

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