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No, I’ve never hired a hitman-shockingly.

April 27, 2010

This is a bucket list post, totally copycatted the idea from the very, very funny Alabaster Cow.

I think I posted one back in the dark ages. You know, when people still had MySpace pages. Positively eons ago. Like when Jesus and Biff were chilling.

Here goes:

1. Successfully hire a hitman. I count success in two ways: inexpensive and I don’t get caught. So I should probably quit talking about it on the internet. If J’s hellacious spacecow of an ex-wife ever dies (she’s really dreadful and not even cute to make up for her dreckitude), I’m fairly sure my door will be the first place they come knocking. I’ve asked for one every year for Christmas since I became aware of her existence and Santa has yet to leave that in my stocking.

2. Be on the roundtable of “Chelsea Lately.” Despite her disappointing, booze-fueled, crotch grabbing performance in Atlanta-I still think she is one funny biatch. Plus? She has books.

3. Get Botox in my armpits. I am not an overly sweaty person but some fabrics make me sweat more than others and it can ruin clothes. I heard this can stop sweating.

4. Vaginal laser hair removal. I am probably too much of a wuss for this one.

5. Be in the FBI. Ya’ll I would be SO good at this. I can find out anything, I already wear black like all the time and they would actually allow me to have a firearm. This is a win all the way around. And NO ONE would ever suspect I was an agent cause I’m a spaz and fall down all the time and am very, very excellent at pretending I don’t know what’s going on. Except I just told all of you. So if you see me being incognito, just pretend you don’t know me.

6. Perform standup. At least once. I think it would be fun.

7. Be in a musical. Like perhaps the local production of Rocky Horror. Bratchild says I sing Maybe this Time better than Liza-that’s GOT to count for something.

8. Learn how to change a tire. I mean, I understand the concept-just not as how it relates to moi.

9. Be a stylist. I would be much better than Rachel Zoe and would have the bonus of not being freakishly skinny and annoying.

10. Learn how to get a little personalized thingy up by my website name in the blank space where you type what website you want to go to. I’m so very technical I don’t even know what that’s called. Oh, for the love of it.

11. Learn some patience, perhaps even a modicum of it.

12. Visit Italy and Greece.

13. Publish a book. Duh. Or rather, have someone else publish it and pay me lots of money for it. I don’t think I have the patience to self-publish and make little books myself.

14. Win something. I never, ever win prizes. The only time I ever win is at silent auctions and J says that doesn’t count because it’s not “winning”- it’s just buying. I win at gambling too but I have a system.

15. Get a hairdresser on staff. Also someone to change my sheets and put away laundry. I will do everything else. Except car maintenance and I have a husband for that already.

16. Hangglide-I think that would be awesome and rather hard to hurt myself while doing.

17. Take dancing lessons with the hubs. He says he knows to dance and that I am the problem. Also? Due to my compulsive nature I think he foresees that ending badly-like with us spray tanning and wearing sparkly outfits and competing. Because I am all about the sparkle. You could put glitter on a pile of poo and I would be all, “Oooooh, shiny.” Because, truly, shiny is my favorite color.

18. Organize my cajillion books by color on their various shelves-just because I think it would look pretty and has got to be better than my current catalogue system which is non-existant.

19. Spend time with people I really, actually enjoy and ignore those I don’t. I’m well on my way to checking this one off the list.

That’s all I can think of right now. I’m a trifle distracted because bratchild is tormenting Clifford with a zhu zhu pet. Because he’s kind of dumb, he at first thought it was alive and wanted to eat it. Now that he realizes it’s not a living thing-he’s actually scared of it and keeps tipping it on its side to make the damn thing quit moving.

What about you guys? What’s on your bucket list?

Feel free to share!

(If anyone else is interested in a hitman, perhaps we can get a package deal-like buy 2 get the 3rd free? I get that there’s karma and all that but sometimes it’s a little too slow for my liking and I feel it may need a little push. And if that push happens to be off a cliff or into oncoming traffic-who am I to say that I wasn’t actually doing the universe’s bidding? Helping it get through a backlog, so to speak)

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

22 Comments leave one →
  1. gigi927 permalink
    April 27, 2010 7:52 PM

    You always make me laugh!!! Thanks for the chuckle tonight! BTW…I moved *my* blog this morning over to WordPress…here is the new info, come visit 🙂

  2. amyblam permalink*
    April 27, 2010 7:57 PM

    Thank you! I literally had *just* left a comment on your site that I didn’t realize your url had changed and I was going to update it in my blogroll. And I did.

  3. April 27, 2010 8:36 PM

    You really don’t want to be a Special Agent. A dear friend of mine is and it’s mostly paperwork, and numbing your ass in courtrooms. Not even fun courtrooms. And with all the sitting she’s done on surveillance, she pulled a muscle in her butt– really. Oh, also that gun– waist-holster will ruin your underwear, arm-holsters will ruin your bra. No dresses, no sparkly. Maybe another career? Vannah White’s got to be ready for retirement soon, right? Or maybe add Monaco when you got to Italy & Greece?

    (Funny, I changed a tire today. It’s not as hard on these itty-bitty cars as it was on the ’74 Pontiac Catalina. But I still broke a nail.)

    • amyblam permalink*
      April 28, 2010 9:37 AM

      I hate it when things aren’t as fun as you think they will be!

  4. April 28, 2010 10:51 AM

    10) A “favicon”. (Favorite + icon) We probably know someone smart enough to make that happen.

    14) You totally won something on Southern Fried Snark, BEETEEDUBS.

    19) I think you’ve accomplished this one, just this week alone. Lunches are AWESOME.

    • amyblam permalink*
      April 29, 2010 10:06 AM

      That’s true, you gals are pretty much some of my fave peeps evah.
      And I did win something from SFS-woohoo!
      I’m glad you knew what it was called.

  5. April 29, 2010 7:23 AM

    1) I’ll totally go in on the hitman with you. I don’t know who I want to take out yet – but just having that power at my fingertips would make me feel…well…EMPOWERED, I am sure.

    4) Laser can’t be worse than having boiling hot wax on your hoo-ha and having the hair ripped out at the roots. EVERY. FOUR. WEEKS. Plus – don’t they give you drugs if you go for the laser?

    7) Our local theater guild is putting on a production of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now I wish I would have auditioned. Let’s Do The Time Warp Again….

    10) I want one too. Let me know once you figure it out.

    17) OMG. Shiny is my favorite color too!

  6. amyblam permalink*
    April 29, 2010 10:08 AM

    I’ve never waxed-I am a wuss and have super sensitive skin. I don’t think they give you drugs? I may look into that.
    I’ve been trying to read online how to make and implement a favicon (Thanks Sarah) but instructions tend to make my eyes glaze over.

  7. April 30, 2010 11:43 AM

    I’ve got it – you can be a stylist for the FBI, helping the poor schleps going into the Witness Protection Agency to look like someone else – someone who looks better than they ever did.

    Or you can just be my stylist. I sure as hell need one.

    By the way, I was ridiculously relieved to see that BlogHer badge over there. I just bought a ticket (I was waitlisted) and now I’m all freaked out, going, “Dear God, why!!!!”

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 1, 2010 1:09 PM

      I’m so glad you are coming to blogher-it’s my first and I’m beyond excited!

  8. May 1, 2010 5:18 AM

    Oh my gosh, this was amazing. Thank you for making me laugh in the wee hours of my Saturday morning.

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 1, 2010 1:10 PM

      I’m glad I could help 😉

  9. May 1, 2010 7:47 AM

    I found your blog from SITS and so glad I did!!! You, my dear, are the funniest! I think coffee literally shot out my nose!

    Happy sharefest!

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 1, 2010 1:11 PM

      Thank you! I always think that’s the true testament of whether something is funny, if a liquid is expelled from any part of your body due to the laughter.

  10. May 1, 2010 9:10 AM

    I really wish my husband would do my car maintenance…he thinks that since I lived on my own for so long and took care of my car by myself I can keep doing it…blah, blah blah!

    And count me in for a trip to Italy and Greece! That would be so awesome!

    This is such a great list! Thank you for linking up!

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 1, 2010 1:11 PM

      For years I made my dad do my car maintenance. I don’t think I’d even ever pumped gas until I went to college cause my dad always did it for us. It was fantastic!

  11. May 1, 2010 9:30 AM

    So Amy, where have you been my whole blogging life? I’m putting you up on my site. You and I, I have a feeling we’re going to be fast friends.

    I think I’m going to hijack your comments because I have so much to say and my hubby is yelling at me to get going, but whatev. Blog commenting is much more important than whatever the freak he wants to do.

    Here’s my number one bucket list item:

    ❀Get on stage during a U2 concert and dance with Bono. It’s not a big request. It’s all I want to make my life complete. Just a few minutes of Bono’s arms around me, singing to me. *Sigh*

    Now about that list of yours:

    ❀Have you met Surferwife? If not, go over and visit Monique at her blog. She loves Chelsea, too. And she got invited to the show, front row seats, baby.

    ❀My pits are like waterfalls. Clinical Secret does the trick.

    ❀My sister-in-law is an FBI agent. She’s also married to an FBI agent. She’s a girlie girl through and through, but she’s a bad-ass when it comes to her job. Get this, her hubs is a white collar crime specialist who sits around doing surveillance all day. She’s on the presidential task force meaning big time crime, terrorism and Columbian cartel. She was on site at Oklahoma City. She dove for bodies when a plane going to Paris blew up over NYC. She has posed as a girlfriend of another agent with some of the biggest Columbian drug lords around. And of course, she was there for 4 weeks after 9/11. And in all the crazy stuff she’s been around, that one was the one that broke her. She also gets the great advantage of not having to wait in security lines at the airport, thanks to the fact that she’s a federal marshall and has to carry a weapon at all times.

    ❀ I. Hate. Rachel. Zoe. And why does everyone in her posse talk like 15-year-old girls. It drives me bananas!!!

    ❀ Me too. On the publication thing. All ready to go. Just have to send it out to the harsh world of agents. Fingers and toes all crossed.

    ❀I like the hairstylist thing. I would also like a butler.

    ❀When I dance with my hubby, I have to close my eyes. His white man rhythm is enough to knock the dearly departed Michael Jackson off his sync.

    That’s all I got. Sorry for the hijack. I think I love you. But, not in a creepy, stalkerish kind of way.

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 1, 2010 1:13 PM

      Thank you! Your site cracked me up and I have added you to my google reader AND my blogroll on here.
      Okay, the whole not waiting in lines at airports is enough to sell me on the FBI. I am covinced the TSA has a personal vendetta against me.

  12. May 1, 2010 12:37 PM

    I just recently added Greece to my life’s to do list too! Although I have yet to deem it a bucket list…;) 9, 13, and 17 are all things I’ve dreamed about as well, although I’m a bit of a control freak, and if I wouldn’t achieve any of them (because let’s face it, 9 and 13 are longshots in my world), I’d feel like a total failure…so I’m being a chicken and not putting them on my list. Although they are incredibly cool things:)

  13. May 1, 2010 1:03 PM

    now i know who jesus is but who is this biff character of which you speak? and feel free to borrow anything from me at any time. except my baby, i probably shouldn’t lend her out.

    ah, lucky number thirteen. thirteen will be the death of us all, won’t it?

    thanks for commenting!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 1, 2010 1:29 PM

      It’s from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore whom I love. I also love The Stupidest Angel by him and several of his other books, he makes me laugh out loud.

  14. May 2, 2010 2:01 PM

    Just did #10 myself on Saturday! 🙂 A great favicon tutorial is on

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