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Should bratchild ever go to therapy, these are probably the reasons…

May 9, 2010

I should begin by saying I am in a craptastic mood. Mother’s Day has not been the most fabulous ever (Though I did pre-purchase myself some amazing gifts. I’m terribly thoughtful. And an excellent gift giver. In fact? They deserve their own post.)

My head hurts, I had to put away laundry, bratchild and I argued about laundry (we rarely argue), and then to further mock me? The fucking washer has flooded the laundry room. And I can’t figure out why.

Also? The hubs is in Iraq and since bratchild has not learned to make me fried eggs with no yellow-we compensated by going to Krispy Kreme yesterday so we would have breakfast for today. And? I’ve eaten 6 doughnuts. Which may somewhat explain the crabby-ness, nausea, headache and general feelings of malaise.

We did try Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred DVD and I completed it, wasn’t easy. I credit Huntsville Adventure Boot Camp for Women that I was able to do it. Alabaster Cow prompted me to give it a whirl. And I liked it, I like that Jillian explains that yes, you have to work and push yourself. I hate the farking Kardashians with their quick trim baby crap. (I may have combined Anna Nicole and the Kardashians, I’m too tired to care.)

I also have a million tons of work to do tonight.

But, in honor of mother’s day, I thought I would post about bratchild-who is really one fabulously fantastic kid. And the things I have done that may cause her to one day seek professional help.

1. Meat. A la Jessica Simpson, bratchild is incapable of distinguishing meat.  Is it fish or is it chicken and all that. This is ENTIRELY my fault as when she was younger, the only meats she would consume were chicken and hot dogs. The kid thought pizza sauce and cheese were the foundation of any balanced diets, their own food group if you will. So I did what any good parent would do, I lied. Now that she realizes she likes pork, shrimp, lobster, hamburger et al-she actually has NO CLUE what she is eating. She frequently thinks pork is chicken. Maybe it will lead to her own reality show. Hopefully, without the lame boy-bander as a mate.

2. Fairy poop. You did, in fact, read that correctly. She used to hate having her ears cleaned out but would get gobbs of orange goo in them. And she adored fairies. In order to get her to allow me to clean her ears, I told her that earwax was fairy poop. I explained that when she was sleeping fairies flew around her bed and would occasionally need to relieve themselves…IN HER EAR. Now that I actually see this written out-it seems completely bizarre and I am laughing so hard that I can barely type (and I don’t often laugh out loud at my own blogs). When explained that way, it really should be terrifying. I STILL have nightmares from some movie I saw when I was younger (maybe Conan the Barbarian?) where they inserted slug-looking things into people’s ears for some reason that I can’t remember. (If anyone knows what movie that was, feel free to share.)

3. Hand washing. It’s pretty impossible to get the darling little carrier monkeys to wash their hands. Really. I volunteer in the school library and frequently have watched children smear snot across their hands and then touch things-books, each other, doors. Yuck. When swine flu erupted, I jumped on it. I told bratchild that if she didn’t wash her hands, she could die. And that she must wash them WITH SOAP for as long as it takes her to slowly sing the ABC song.

4. Shoe touching. So bratchild has this habit of touching the soles of her feet and then her mouth or food or toys-AND IT CREEPS ME OUT. One day, I simply explained that shoes go all kinds of gross places and, in theory, she could be putting other people’s pee or poo in her mouth. She rarely does this anymore.

5. Not going Number 1 OR Number 2. Anyone else have this issue? My child will hold her poo and pee inside her FOREVER. Just won’t go. So I finally told her that expelling waste is a way to get poison out of her body and if she doesn’t do that, her insides could explode.

6. This blog. Ummm, I think this one doesn’t really need explanation. I’m sure in a few years she’ll be jazzed to know I discussed these things with the world.

So Happy Mother’s Day! If some of you could share lies you’ve told your children, it might pick me up out of my sugar coma. For reals.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. May 9, 2010 8:40 PM

    I don’t think that list is therapy stuff, that’s more like get drunk with your girlfriends and complain about your mother stuff.

  2. May 9, 2010 9:15 PM

    I wish I could get the boy to do items 3-5; but then again, he does have that defective “Y” chromosome.

    I feel like I tell my kid lies all of the time, or at least 1/2 truths. (The baby is still clueless.) A little knowledge in the hands of a precocious child is an embarrassing thing! During bath-time, I would name all of the body parts— except for THOSE. True, they have perfectly good, medically acceptable names. But you do not want an echo-loquacious boy to be publicly armed with the vocabulary word “P*N*S”. So for over three years, I called all that equipment down there (front and back) the “Diaper Area.” Hey, that “covered” it! Then potty training changed everything.

    I even told him once that frogs were green because of all of the vegetables they eat. My mom was horrified that I’d LIE to my son, but he finished his green beans.

    Happy Mother’s Day! The next good Sunday you have you should celebrate as a M’Day do-over.

  3. May 9, 2010 9:36 PM

    I tell my kids that if they finish their asparagus, broccoli, etc. it will give them green poop.

    When Haley (4) says she wants to marry her brother Jason (8) I tell her this is great idea and totally acceptable.

    I tell them their teeth will immediately rot out of their head if they have candy before lunch.

    I could go on?

    I do not tell them that little fairies shit in their ears. Good Lord, my kids would never want o lose their teeth for fear of the tooth fairy dropping a shadoobie in their ear.

  4. May 9, 2010 9:36 PM

    The only thing I think that might require therapy is the “fairy poop in the ears” thing, other than that, I wouldn’t worry. That was both gross and funny…..how did you ever come up with that?

    If you are lucky, you both will look back on that and have a good laugh!

  5. May 9, 2010 10:09 PM

    Fairy Poop? Who would think of that? I guess you need to have a girl to think of something that funny?

    How about telling your child that if they don’t wear their seatbelt that a police man is going to take them away…and an unfastened seatbelt sends off a signal to the police to come get them?

    Did J bring any deathmix with him to Iraq? I could use some.

    Shaps

  6. May 9, 2010 10:19 PM

    Fairy poop! Bust me up… Great one!!!!

  7. May 10, 2010 1:48 PM

    I’m all aboard this fairy poop business. Truly, that made my day.

  8. Susan permalink
    May 10, 2010 3:44 PM

    too f unny…. one night Laura Ann (my niece who was 8 at the time) & herentourage, spent the night with me. They watched Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte… Her brother was there too..he was 5.. the girls laughed..hee hawed…He was terrified… when they got home, my brother called about 11 p.m. & said…What did you do to Jager..) oops.. He turned out very well, so there’s hope…Amy Beth!

  9. May 11, 2010 10:22 AM

    Fairies pooping in your ears takes the take, I’m pretty sure.

    I can’t remember all the lies I used to tell them. They did bust me a couple of times with Santa gifts in my hot red hands. I told them I was trying to up the odds of them getting what they wanted from Santa. I told them, I figured if I bought the same things that were on their Christmas list and gave them to the poor children, Santa would think we were super nice and bestow them with all their faves.

    I think fast on my feet.

    Also, my oldest girl is a vegetarian. Her father is constantly trying to get her to eat meat. He’ll try to hand her some chicken or pork and she reminds him that she doesn’t eat meat, and he’ll say, “It’s not meat, it’s chicken.”

    Because in his eyes, meat is a big juicy steak or a rack of ribs, not some wimpy chicken.

  10. May 12, 2010 11:28 AM

    Oh my goodness. The fairy poop! I laughed aloud at my work desk. Hope the boss didn’t catch that one. 🙂 Stopping by from your Where I Live Wednesday post.

  11. Doug permalink
    May 12, 2010 2:25 PM

    I have no kids, but I haven’t laughed so hard at something in a while. I’m going to print this off and keep it for future reference when I have brats of my own.

  12. May 12, 2010 4:59 PM

    All children wind up in therapy and/or rehab. It’s inevitable. I’ve been in and out of it (therapy – not rehab) since I was 12. NO REALLY. Wait? *That* long? Great. Now I’m pissed at my mom. Thanks Amy….

  13. May 14, 2010 10:33 AM

    hey! found you at alabaster cow–ericka has really good taste in blogs (you can tell because she likes mine), so i thought i’d pop over and give you a lil’ looksee. you’re funny! and to be honest, all of our kids probably will end up in therapy some time or another…at least your kid will have good reasons to be there, like fairy crap.

    i’m following now!

  14. May 14, 2010 1:32 PM

    I laughed out loud on some of these. I think our kids will be in therapy together.

    BTW, I think the movie is Star Trek II: Wrath of Kahn. At least I remember the slug like creature that went into Chekov’s ear in that movie and slept with my earmuffs on for a month I was so traumatized.

    Fairy poop – of course you explain that the fairies know that they need to relieve themselves lest they blow up, right?

    LOL!!

    –Jen (www.heligirl.com)

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