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My work as a mom is done. I’m super efficient like that.

May 23, 2010

Bratchild just told me, “Without you as a mom I’d be clueless.” So that’s it. I think I’m done and we can just hang out and have fun forever, right?

Here’s what she’s learned:

1. Cheap fabrics are to be avoided like the plague. I have often come across clothing made out of fabric that is so cheap and icky that I’m fairly sure if you stood out in the sun for 5 minutes and the clothing got remotely warm, it would spontaneously combust. Walking thru Belk the other day( I KNOW-we don’t even have a Macy’s-still not bitter AT ALL.) and she touched a “dress” and said, “Mom, that’s a hideous mess.” Awesomeness.

2. Lilly Pulitzer, however, is fabulous. She could request a Lilly dress when she was 6. And they’ve turned out to be an excellent bribery method. Along with threatening to make her wear mesh clothes if she doesn’t take care of nice ones.

3. How to cook. She can make toaster waffles, microwave soup and popcorn, make cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. She has truly mastered the culinary arts. Dude, she’s about to pass my skills.

4. Boobs. Okay, this isn’t technically mastered as she still thinks bras are called boobs BUT she did tell my mom and I last night, after hearing us discuss crazy padded bras and water bras, that it was stupid to wear fake boobs because then a boy might only like you for having big boobs and that would be wrong. There are 40 year old women I know that don’t get this. Along with Heidi Montag. Clearly.

5. Technology. She has mastered our complicated tv/dvr/media center set up as I just asked her to, “Do whatever you have to do to make it so I can watch the Lost I’m recording.” And she did. She also gets the concept of texting and can work the internet and email. Check!

6. Ankle bracelets. She knows these are not okay. Ever. At age 4 a lady in front of us at the Target check-out line was wearing a shell ankle bracelet and bratchild told her it was tacky. Obviously, she hasn’t learned tact. But I’m 33 and haven’t so she comes by it honestly. (I will confess that when I was much younger I briefly had an ankle bracelet. I would, however, like to point out that mine was gold with a Wedgewood daisy on it. And no, I can’t make this shit up.)

7. Reading. She’s a voracious reader, already reading on a 7th grade level. Woohoo!

8. Moonlighting. I introduced her to this today as it’s only THE BEST TV SHOW EVER. Seriously, I named my golden retriever Cybill after Cybill Shepherd. I hope, cause I’m SURE she reads my blog and knows all about me, that’s she’s not offended by that. And Bruce Willis is still in my top 5 list. It did remind me that I totally must work on my upper arm strength. You know, for when I end up dangling off a ladder from a 13 story building. Cause it could happen. Except with my luck it would be a significantly taller building.

9. Cheeseburgers. She FINALLY will eat them.

There are two main areas where I feel I have failed her.

She is incapable of putting her hair in a ponytail, and if that’s not an essential life skill than I don’t know WHAT is.

And I also haven’t taught her to never mix beer and champagne or to chug champagne from a bottle. But you know, she’s only 8 and all that so it’s hardly appropriate.

What major life lessons have you shared with your kids?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 23, 2010 9:19 PM

    Hmmm…well, my 2 yr old takes out the trash and clears the dirty dishes from the table already. Some woman is going to be a very lucky lady someday! 😉 I’m pretty sure my work is done too as Jellybean has mastered all those things (well, maybe not quite at the 7th grade reading level but close) and more.

    Maybe we should go ahead with the whole proper drinking etiquette now so we can just sit back and relax. 😉

    • amyblam permalink*
      May 24, 2010 7:48 AM

      Then we could just be done and sit in the sun and eat bonbons and stuff.

  2. May 24, 2010 8:37 AM

    This totally makes me think of Gilmore Girls – I always thought that Rory Gilmore was that kid that needed no parental supervision, she was just that awesome of a kid.

  3. May 24, 2010 1:00 PM

    Here is the biggest life lesson I have taught my 3 daughters: A girl can NEVER have enough shoes.

    They unfortunately have taken my advice to heart. Since none of them have jobs yet, I am paying the price, literally, for my well taught lesson.

  4. May 24, 2010 2:58 PM


    I know that sounds all nose-up-in-the-air and all, but seriously, I tell my boys ALL THE TIME about manners. And not even because it’s the nice thing to do, but because .. and I tell them this often .. “with your blue eyes and a nice set of manners, you’ll get ANYTHING you want in life.”

  5. May 24, 2010 8:35 PM

    I am not sure that my daughters have learned all that they need to know from me yet. There are new lessons every day. For example, my older daughter learned today . . .

    That if I offer her cookies while she is all crabby and she says she does not want any of the “disgusting” cookies? Then she will not get any of the disgusting cookies, and she will have to watch the rest of the family eat her share with huge exaggerated pleasure. And she will get carrots as a replacement snack.

    Life lessons, people!

  6. Marcie permalink
    May 28, 2010 9:46 AM

    My 6 year old son opens all doors for me and gives fashion advice. He can wash the car and the dishes and sweep the floor. I better get some props for this one day when he’s the best husband ever. And he has amazing manners. Oh, and he feeds the cats and dogs, takes out the trash. Yea, I might just have to keep him around.

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