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Why bratchild will never be in pageants, other than the obvious creepy reasons

June 2, 2010

One would think with my love of all sparkles and crowns that I would be a big proponent of pageants. One would be wrong. I, myself, have been in exactly two in my life and they were Les Belles in high school when all the groups had to have a rep. in the pageant. I think I represented the literary magazine one year and French club the next.

They went okay-I didn’t fall down or anything but that was back before I had learned how to smile and I often ended up looking like a cross between a chipmunk and Brenda Walsh. (It was also back when lots of girls were wearing short skirts with those thigh high tights that I was never allowed to wear. Thanks mom as in retrospect they made even little girls look like they had thigh flab.) This was also back when I weighed 93 pounds so putting a short blue disco ball of a dress on my body wasn’t a bad idea.

ANYWAYS, I am still a total sparkle whore and a fan of fake hair-for myself not children. I also am oddly competitive which I never really thought was the case since I never played sports or anything. When Clifford competed in the Hot Dogs, Cool Cats calendar contest for the Humane Society-I was pretty much unbearable. (Shut up, it’s for the animals.)

Fast forward to bratchild and her first baton recital. They were having a fundraiser to help pay for the recital costs and whomever sold the most tickets would be crowned Miss Kitty Kat Twirler 2010. (Yes, the name is unfortunate.) Anyone notice the use of the word CROWNED. Well, bratchild did too and from the moment she saw that-she wanted to win. She composed an acceptance speech on the spot. And she was second runner-up, she lost by 20 tickets and if some family members that never respond to emails would have ponied up a little cash, she would have.

Anyways, again, the backdrops were all these crazy chubby gymnast looking cartoon people done in AIRBRUSH. I think we all know how I feel about airbrush. I don’t understand.

But this is reason number 1 why bratchild can’t do pageants. As she was standing there being crowned and in a bit of a daze at her “win,” I actually yelled out, “Smile Baby!” Oh, the shame.

Reason number 2. So, many of you know that I have often been displeased with the dance world for young kids. Like it should be fun and not all slicked back bangs and pain in the ass-ness. So when bratchild’s school of 3 years finally pissed me off last year with the bangs and regulations and making it not at all fun-we moved schools. Little did I know, we were going from the nunnery to the whorehouse in one small step. We went from pink tutus to red and black spandex halter ensembles-for 8 year olds. Some of the older girls were wearing plastic and some had leotards that were so high cut, I swear their labia were hanging over the side-thank the waffles for black hose. (But their dance was phenomenal. Maybe due to extra freedom of movement?)

Many of the outfits were whoreable, with the emphasis on whore.

Bratchild had recently lamented to me that she just, “Didn’t feel accepted by the dance world because of my bangs. I feel so misunderstood.”

I hadn’t ever mentioned to her teacher how inappropriate I thought spandex halter things were for 7 and 8-year-old girls because, by my reasoning, anyone that would dress children that way was an idiot and I don’t know how to be nice to idiots.

At the rehearsal, I was in hysterics and I think the teacher FINALLY got it as at least THREE girls had wardrobe malfunctions as their tops came undone and fell to their waist. And 2 girls lost their fake hair. (They all had to wear side ponytails whether they had enough hair or not. Side ponytails? Yes, I know.) I could not stop laughing. To the point where I think other parents thought I was afflicted.

For recitals, girls often wear glitter and I had never let bratchild. This year, since they were already dressed like strippers-I figured what the hell. Here’s reason number 2 (Finally, I know.) why bratchild can’t do pageants. I can’t be trusted with sparkles. I used HALF a container of body glitter on her. It was caking to her hair gel. And after I put it on her? I hairsprayed it to her body, you know, so there was no chance of it EVER coming off. And let me just say, when a bunch of little girls think you went overboard with glitter-you’ve gone overboard with glitter. And should be locked up-or at least on glitter probation.

Reason number 3 MAY come as a shock to some of ya’ll, but I just can’t behave very well. Inappropriate laughter and comments are a mainstay of my existence. And I think if you put me in a pageant situation, I would alternate between head explosions, peeing on myself from laughter and lots of screaming, “Smile baby!”

Also? I offered to put self-tanner on bratchild before both the dance and baton recital. Despite my innate belief that little girls in pageants is creepy, I don’t know if it’s enough to overpower my love of all things sparkle and shiny. And my competitive nature.

On that note, I am terribly excited that Toddlers and Tiaras is back on tonight-it creates in me a fix of fascination, amusement and horror that is just an unparalled draw.

Plus, it reminds me what a dangerous road pageants are. I don’t want to end up in a mumu or with frosted hair and saliva slinging from my bottom lip as I scream at my child, the judges, my spouse, hairdressers, etc.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

18 Comments leave one →
  1. June 2, 2010 8:38 AM

    Reading this makes me so happy with my little girl’s dance school, even if the kids would be laughed off the stage in any competition. Although they’re so age appropriate that I couldn’t put eye shadow on her for the recital. I was crushed. This is how I justify watching Toddlers and Tiaras, it curbs the “scary pageant mom type” side of me.

  2. June 2, 2010 5:36 PM

    You need like, a Barbie or something. Something you can spray endlessly with glittery body spray and add fake hair extensions. Also? I am almost 35 and I have been known *on occasion* to over-glitter myself. Perhaps we need glitter probation together. Also? I can totally tell you all of the best glitter products out there. In case you change your mind.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:12 AM

      Sally Hansen makes airbrush glitter in a can-it’s part of her airbrush legs thing. I’m very excited.

  3. Marcie permalink
    June 2, 2010 6:21 PM

    Oh I needed this today. And I am sooooooo glad that I have a boy. Now, if I could only convince him that he doesn’t have to be all matchy-matchy all the time.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:13 AM

      I think it’s good that he wants to match his clothes! Some of the outfits little boys wear hurt my head.

  4. June 2, 2010 7:58 PM

    I have had some small, but very obvious, stage mom moments that are really embarassing. I usually catch myself and shut the hell up, but not before I get a few sideways glances from my uppity neighbor mommy “friends.”

    Thankfully, no pageants in our future as far as I can tell…but dance? yeah, I see that whore stuff going on and I.don’

  5. June 2, 2010 9:19 PM

    These are all the reasons I don’t want my kid in pageants or dance. The whore outfits, the body glitter and make up, the fake hair. Shouldn’t a performance meant to highlight their talents actually showcase the talent and not all the fake layers?

    With that said, I do enjoy glitter and ballerina swimsuits, so there’s a creepy stage mom in all of us.

  6. June 3, 2010 1:33 AM

    We are not there yet…my little one is almost three. I am also a fan of sparkle and big hair…but not on little girls…and then there are those flippers…I guess I just admitted I have caught an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras and Little Miss perfect. Yikes!

    • June 3, 2010 8:56 AM

      Yes the flippers! Totally creepy!!!!

      • amyblam permalink*
        June 4, 2010 10:14 AM

        The flippers freaked me out. What’s with that name?
        I may have actually yelled at my hubs at one point is time something along the lines of. “What the hell? That child has better hair, better teeth and a better tan than I do!”
        Something like that.

  7. June 3, 2010 8:55 AM

    I’m glad I’m not the only one that watches Toddlers and Tiaras! I personally prefer Little Miss Perfect, but either will do in a pinch. 😉

    We are about to enter the dance world and I just don’t remember it all being so serious when we were kids. But I guess I quit dance 19 years ago so a few things may have changed since then!

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:15 AM

      What is Little Miss Perfect? I’ve never seen this!

  8. June 3, 2010 12:38 PM

    GASP! There is NO SUCH THING as too much glitter! What do kids know anyway, they’re willing to put their hair up in side ponytails. We as parents might be doing this for them, but there’s no way in hell we’d be seen in public, LET ALONE A STAGE, like this :o) With glitter, more is ALWAYS better.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:21 AM

      That’s always been my belief!

  9. June 3, 2010 1:00 PM

    Little kid pageants are terrifying.

    And wardrobe malfunctions? Happened all the time when I was in dance.

  10. June 3, 2010 6:34 PM

    Glitter probation! That’s hilarious.

    My younger daughter (who thinks I am boring and that I need to “bling it up”) would love you! She is 8, and has never met a sparkle she hasn’t loved.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:25 AM

      Send her down South-we’ll have a glitter camp! Mine is about to be 9 and there are few areas in our house, cars, etc where leftover glitter isn’t sparkling.

  11. June 5, 2010 11:35 AM

    I found your blog through the Lady Bloggers Society tea party today. I love this post – so true about things! I am a dance and baton twirling teacher, and have been involved in dance/baton since the age of 5, but it was always fun (still had some rules, of course) and never inappropriate. I love watching those shows for the same reason! Fascinated, and yet sometimes appalled…
    Hoping to have a little girl of my own someday though!

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