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What we learned…

June 3, 2010

So here’s some things we’ve (okay maybe just me) have learned since the internet upheaval of 2010. I had a couple people tell me I’d gone viral and after asking the hubs what that meant, then subsequently being relieved I hadn’t caught a disease-I think I was being complimented. Or not-like I said, sometimes I can’t tell. (I had no idea how powerful a fatwa could be. I’ve been DYING to use that word for something.)

So here’s some things I have discovered in the week since.

People like me the very mostest when I am either being a big, most ridiculous idiot or when I’m pissed off. (I get a pretty good amount of page hits but those two posts? If I were better at math, I could tell you they were ten times quadrupled that of previous posts.)

999.9999% of peeps on the internet are fantastic and covered in sparkles and shoes. (See? That may not even be a real number but you get my point.) And I LOVE you guys that reached out and were super positive more than I would love 20 tons of glitter.

Even my sister, who has more reason than anyone to think I stuck, was totally awesome. Which, she normally is DESPITE the fact that I may or may not have locked her outside in just a towel when she was younger, held her hostage in a closet and mortified her first real boyfriend by getting kicked out of Rodeo’s.

Yesterday I ate a taco and I think I ate a piece of leftover taco cheese from underneath my fingernail today. I’m really gross. I blame the pool and the fact that some days-I TOTALLY count swimming as bathing. It IS called a bathing suit.

I may have  or may be inadvertently killing my hubs. I was more excited than I should be about these frozen raw Italian seasoned chicken fingers from Sam’s. In mentioning this to J, I learned that he doesn’t like to buy raw ones as he sometimes eats them frozen, like little chicken pospsicles. (And still, somehow I have been labeled the weird one on this relationship.)

My mom didn’t remind me to do a May shoe of the month, so I forgot. I will rectify that shortly for June.

Also? I do not have an ear infection, just a terribly painful situation in which I have somehow ended up with beaucoups of fluid built up behind my eardrum. AND my hubs doesn’t get I can’t see in my own ears to see what it looks like AND HE WON’T LOOK. I have a burning desire to share gross or unpleasant things with people-I used to show my mom my snot and now my hubs doesn’t like it. (Wow. I keep getting grosser.) In my defense, my mom used to ALWAYS ask me what my snot looked like and it was easier to show her.

J doesn’t know the difference between Jennifer Anniston and Jennifer Love Hewitt. I told him I was contemplating blondeness like Jenn A. and he’s all, yeah she’s hot.

Me: “I didn’t figure you would like her, she’s not really your type and since your wretched spacecow of an ex-wife was blonde, I was hesitant to go there. ” (Also? I LOVE that I will be the best wife ever-no matter what I do. I could slaughter baby tadpoles and look like a Saint compared to her. It’s nice not having lots to have to live up to.)

J: “Will you be running around in teddies and lingerie in your dream sequences? ”

Me: “Ummm, what does that have to do with Jennifer A? ”

J: “Oh yeah, I meant the one on Ghost Whisperer so you’re right-I don’t like Jennifer Anniston.”

Me: “Well, what about her hair color?”

Since this ended up being needlessly complicated, I ended up enhancing the red in my hair instead of trying to fight it.

In other very mildly embarrassing news? I don’t think I ever should have taught my mom how to use the Facebook. In addition to tagging herself in ALL my photos, most of which she’s not in, she posts random things. The other day she randomly posted something about me not doing laundry in college and just buying new underwear when I ran out. This is true. I had never done laundry until I went to college and was a little handicapped. So I would buy packs of Hanes cotton underwear and when I ran out, buy new ones.

Clifford, big red dog, thinks J is John Locke. When bratchild and I re-watched the Lost finale, Cliff was entranced. He NEVER watches tv-has no interest in it. (My sister’s dog launches herself at the tv anytime animals are on-I think she thinks they’re trapped in this box.)

The only time Cliff has ever watched tv was when I accidentally left the tv on Lifetime and a movie about Celine Dion came on-I think he perhaps thought the singing was howling?

Anyhoo, so he sits up between us as straight as he can and we are having to watch the show around his large block head. He only watched when Locke was on-and when he was, Cliff would follow just him around the screen.

J and Locke both have buzzed hair, frequently wear muddy green t-shirts with cargo pants, almost always carry some sort of satchel and often have some sort of knife with them. I totally get why the dog would be confused and am only surprised that I have never fallen prey to the similarities and been all, “Oh look! J is on TV!”

I STILL don’t know how to properly use semi-colons which is sad because I really like them.

Thanks to Mythbusters I now know that if you attack someone with pepper spray and then taze them, they will go up in flames. Thank you Jamie and Adam for destroying any chance I ever had of owning either of these items. You certainly didn’t warn me of this when you were all smiley and chatty and taking pics with me. Nor later, when I snuck into your small geek group meeting. Shaking my fist from the Rocket City.

We also got the proofs back from the boudoir shoot. And despite being so awfully critical of myself-I actually quite like most of them. And the ones I didn’t? Were kind of my fault. It is NOT a good idea to be mostly naked, drink copious amounts of wine and then think you are Tyra or…Miss J. Life lessons, people. I am teaching you valuable things here. I’m not even kidding, I was totally barbie-toeing in several pics.

And this is just a funny. Yesterday I had lunch with my friend Allison and we were discussing the internet hullabaloo and a girl thinking I was being ugly about her being a housewife. I explained it to Allison like so:

“Really? I’m not going to talk shit about anyone being a housewife. I try harder than anyone I know to NOT work. Jeez.”

Learned anything lately?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. June 3, 2010 11:07 PM

    From you? Learned plenty!

    From personal experiences, not much right now. School’s out.

    I did learn that a “Billy Big-mouthed Bass” is actually funniest when the batteries are dying.
    (My uncle’s tacky, not mine.)

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:10 AM

      That sounds fairly entertaining.

  2. June 4, 2010 8:04 AM

    Great “learning” experiences! I love reading blogs that just have me giggling throughout. Have a great one.

  3. June 4, 2010 8:13 AM

    Those are some good learning experiences!

    Frozen chicken popsicles? Ew…

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 4, 2010 10:11 AM

      I know! Yet I’M weird?

  4. June 4, 2010 11:12 AM

    So, people like your blog when your pissed off and people like my blog when I am drunk. We make a dynamic duo.

  5. Melissa J permalink
    June 4, 2010 3:03 PM

    I believe you locked me out of the house twice while I was only wearing a towel. I don’t know if that says more about you torturing me or me being too gullible?!

    I have learned that I really am a freak and enjoy painting the outside of my house way too much.

    I have also learned that I really do get the craziest illnesses….really, I sat down and wrote down all the times I have been really sick and they have all been crazy and random. (the allergies, the lungs, the sinuses, the tooth, the cyst….). but you are the same way…I wonder why we are so strange?…I blame our parents.

    love ya!

  6. June 4, 2010 6:18 PM

    Frozen chicken popsicles? You are totally not the weird one.

    Also, we don’t watch Mythbusters… therefore I may totally trick my hubs and his friend to try this on the auspices that NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. Though, that’s kinda mean, I guess. Never mind. Ignore that part.

    Very cool learning lessons!

  7. June 5, 2010 9:03 AM

    I’ve learned that I adore you. Also? I think you and I were hatched from the same sparkly egg.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 8, 2010 12:53 PM

      Yes, and I think the glitteriest drag queen ever sat on that egg and dripped sparkles for an extended period of time.

  8. 2Many2Count permalink
    June 5, 2010 1:19 PM

    I just started reading your blog and I am like Totally addicted now!! Anywhoo, from you i’ve learned the phrase “Friday’s Flip Off’s”…but have been known to use it on..oh..just about any day of the week!!!!

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 8, 2010 12:54 PM

      Thanks for reading! I tried to visit your blog but there’s no link 😦

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