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It’s not drugs…it’s HBO

June 7, 2010

I just got back from getting a pedicure and between the eating healthy/exercising/not drinking pop-I don’t think my brain is functioning anywhere near it’s maximum capacity. I think it runs on BBQ sauce, fried batter and fizzy drinks.

I do not believe water and salads and non-fried foods provide the essential nutrients that my particular brain needs.

Add in the fact that my doc put me on prescription allergy meds and I think I am more out of this world than normal. I’m not sure WHAT allergy pills I am taking because the generic name is something like littlegreenmeninbrainyo and the warning label says, “May cause drowsiness.” The CORRECT label would read, “Will knock you the fuck out fo sho.” I’ve been sleeping for 12 hours every night. Which wouldn’t be so bad except I still require naps during the day and that is interfering with my awake by the pool lazy time.

This is not unlike the time my former witch doctor, ummm doc, prescribed me prescription BARBITUATES for my IBS. I’d have to say they worked if for no other reason than my bowel was not irritated because I was unconscious 23.5 hours a day.

Good lord, back to the pedicure. So I am getting my nails done-I’m not sure what I have agreed to since “Amy” refuses to speak to me in English. (Coincidentally everyone except the man who’s name I swear to waffles is Long Duck Huang is named Amy. Which is MY name. Which means I think they lie to me so I will remember their name and request them.)

The TV across from me is showing all these singing families interspersed with cartoons peppered with children discussing families. AND THEN…A whole bunch of top hat wearing, tux jacket sporting cartoon SPERM burst on the scene. They are serenading what I can only assume to be a cartoon pin-up girl version of an egg with some Sinatra marvelous song.

It gets better. (Errr, worse?)

One by one, the sperm(s) begin to fall over, make odd facial expressions and DIE. And if that’s not weird enough on it’s own, the last sperm standing tosses off his jacket and top hat, which lands magically perfect on the sideways head of a soon to be deceased sperm. At that moment, he utters his death rattle and closes an eye.

AND THEN-the best sperm, I guess, jumps into the flirtatious and overly made-up egg and they explode into fireworks. Huh?

More singing, more families, one boy says babies come from science and then Rosie O’ Donnell as a blonde pig-tailed cartoon sings a song about how she’s her best science project and don’t you wish you started life in a dish (a petri dish.)

I post something about this on facebook and everyone assumes I am, a.insane, b. have been sniffing nail polish or c. are on drugs. I’m rather concerned for my own mental well-being at this point, truth be told.

As the credits roll for this still unnamed show, I am sure I am suffering from post theatrical stress…or something. Everyone else is amused which has me wondering if I happened to hallucinate the ENTIRE singing sperm, Rosie cartoon and family singalongs with cartoon deer and butterfly. EVEN AS I READ THIS I am wondering if my granola bar was laced with something.

I ask Amy v.3.9 if she happened to enjoy the tv show. She just nodded and smiled, which would be her response if I told her she had just sliced off my big toe. The lady next to me said it was very informative. I’m fairly sure I have slipped into the twilight zone.

I rush home, after stopping by Belk to pre-sale some Lilly for Thursday’s sale, to google “Rosie O’donnell singing sperm.” Am immediately impressed/horrified with number of results. There’s, like, lots. It would appear that I had watched “A Family is a Family is a Family” (unless they’re some militant crazy hippie cult. Okay, I added the last part.)

This was a REAL show. On freakin’ HBO-the home of True Blood and The Sopranos. I feel like the world has turned on its side and am light-headed but relieved to know I am not insane, hallucinating or on drugs.

Which does not explain the conversation I also just had with J:

J: “We’re not going to be able to go to Mexico, the mayor just disappeared and if they can get to him-they can get to anyone.”

(Note: my hubs has a habit of telling me things that make me look stupid when I repeat them.)

Me: “I don’t even believe you. I’m googling it.”

(Furious googling.)

Me: “You suck. He didn’t “disappear.” He’s wanted for drug charges-he probably skipped town. Like that senator who went to Acapulco with his mistress.”

J: “It was a governor. And it was Argentina.”

Me: “Same thing really.”

Anyhoo kids-off to take the allergy meds-see you in half a day.

(I feel it important to note this post was not brought to you by google and I wasn’t given/paid shit for this train wreck above. And HBO will probably sue me and Rosie will have Elton John and his minions after me. Blogging is not a safe world.)

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. June 7, 2010 8:17 PM

    I am pretty sure I have been on this particular allergy medication, and I have to agree with you. The usefulness of a medication that causes you to hibernate through the objectionable portion of the growing season is somewhat limited. Who has time to sleep and hallucinate dancing singing sperm?

    There is life to be done!


    One thing I loved? Your certainty that the pedicure woman’s name is not Amy. I know!!! How is it possible that everywhere I go, people from so many countries are named Kris?

    They are lying.

  2. June 7, 2010 8:23 PM

    I kept having to re-read the bit about the sperm movie, because I wasn’t trusting my eyes. That is hysterically scary (can those two words go together?).

    And the allergy drugs—just the regular over the counter meds knock me out!

  3. June 8, 2010 5:34 AM

    Seriously? You ARE ridiculous. In the most awesome and sparkly way. Also? I may have snorted Coke Zero cherry through my nose because I was laughing so hard.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 8, 2010 5:51 PM

      That’s bad for your laptop!

  4. June 8, 2010 7:18 AM

    My day is now complete. And it just started 🙂

  5. June 8, 2010 10:37 AM

    Singing sperm?

    Oh my.

  6. amyblam permalink*
    June 8, 2010 12:43 PM

    You guys make me happy. Singing sperm do not. My hubs was feeling amorous last night and I could NOT stop laughing thinking about his sperm wearing clothes and singing.

  7. June 8, 2010 4:04 PM

    Ooh..I wonder…can I use the sperm story as an excuse to get out of getting busy with my husband tonight?????

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 8, 2010 4:47 PM

      I would certainly give it a whirl.

  8. June 9, 2010 1:31 PM

    Sperm. I’m still confused on why Rosie O’ Donnell is anywhere near a sperm. I understand the petri dish, but I just thought she stayed as far away as possible from man parts.

    And do not get me started on Mexico. We’re going in September. Wait, let me change that. I’m getting dragged there in September. I’m making all my plans for my kids clear right now for when I get kidnapped. I am NOT looking forward to it. I plan on staying at the resort and keeping my eye out for shifty folk lurking too closely to me and I am only drinking my liquids from a sealed container.

  9. June 9, 2010 4:20 PM

    There really aren’t enough cartoon sperms on television. Enjoy your meds lady!

  10. June 9, 2010 9:31 PM

    I was about to go to bed a moment ago, but now I must spend the rest of my evening looking up the singing sperm. Plus I just took a decongestant, so that should make it even more awesome.

  11. Darla permalink
    June 11, 2010 2:02 PM

    This post was hilarious. It reminded me of a show I saw on National Geographic about 5 weeks ago where people drssed as sperm acted out the sperms uh, “journey” to fertilization. It was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen!

  12. June 15, 2010 11:56 AM

    the ibs/barbituates paragraph made me snort. thank you

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