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Again. Nature and I are not friends.

June 15, 2010

So I lurve Mexico. For reals. Don’t care what anyone else says. Cancun resorts are fab and ruins are fun.

That being said, I think we all know I am a dumbass.

In light of our upcoming trip, I thought I would share some things that might make you laugh.

So I had never been snorkeling. It’s not my thing. I don’t like to swim in any water other than a pool. I don’t like my feet on squishy things and I am not the biggest animal fan. Clearly, the whole snorkel thing and me? Not what one would call a match made in heaven.

On our first trip to Mexico, J and I snorkeled in a mirror clear, private calm lagoon. We were the only two people there and it was silent and peaceful. Granted, I almost stroked out when a 900 ton manatee came to say hello-but other than that it was lovely.

But then J and I went to Isla Mujeres. And then we went back with the lawyer and his wife. And then I read about this underwater shrine thing that was in the coral reef off of the island. And then I drank for three days. So everything seemed like a good idea.

I should probably preface this whole tale with the fact that I get motion sickness. If I’m hot and the motion of a car or boat isn’t good, it’s not pretty. I almost never throw up-I’m not much of a puker. But I get so sick, I wish I would.

I was miserable on the ferry boat over to the island. The boat was enclosed, the water was rough and they closed all the windows. Cranky might have been an understatement.

The snorkel boat wasn’t bad. Since there were only 4 of us, we were on a little motorboat. That was the only thing that went smoothly. The water was CRAZY rough. And I was too much of a spaz to get out of the boat and moving while wearing the flipper things. And I couldn’t get them on in the water. And they made me wear a life vest which made everything significantly harder. And then I couldn’t figure out how to breathe without swallowing the ocean or filling my mask up with water. I also tended to forget and try to talk-which wasn’t helpful.

I haven’t even mentioned the BEST part. Since the hubs and I are smart about different things-he likes to tell me things that sounds convincing so when I authoritatively repeat them, people think I am the dumbest person on the planet.

This is one of those things. As I am floating/swimming/drowning somewhere off an island in Mexico, the hubs decides to tell me that I will probably have to be careful because barracuda like sparkles and I am wearing my wedding/engagement rings and earrings. He claims they will see my sparkles and attack, causing me to possibly lose my fingers/ear lobes.

AS IF I wasn’t having enough issues. The water is so insanely rough that even J, a former lifeguard/super strong swimmer, is floundering a bit. He probably would have done better if he wasn’t trying to drag me along behind him. Like a body.

And now I am attempting to swim-I AM NOT EVEN SHITTING you with my fingers turned inwards and my thumbs covering my ear lobes. You know, so they don’t get bitten off by barracuda. Clearly.

I did not enjoy the snorkel experience. I did not enjoy it to the point that after another full day of drinking in the hot tub, I decided we should do it again. On crazy so and so’s jungle tour. Where you have your own two person speed boat and drive through the mangroves.

I was glad we had the lawyer with us. In retrospect, when you’re signing away your life and releasing a Spanish-speaking company from being responsible for your death-it seems somewhat reassuring to have an attorney by your side.

The boat ride was not pleasant-again, the water was rough and I was overcome with the nausea. The snorkeling, again, was not super fun. Even just floating, I felt like I was being bounced up and down with a jack hammer on a water-bed. Ummm, not pleasant. Stop with the dirty minds.

Getting out of the little boat, I didn’t realize how far off the surface of the water we were. It was only getting back in that I began to calculate. Okay, I’m 5’2″ and dealing with cumbersome flippers and a life vest and the top of the boat I am somehow supposed to propel myself on top of without the aid of a ladder is about three feet over my head. And in case ANYONE has forgotten-I AM THE MOST UNCOORDINATED PERSON ON THE PLANET.

I quickly realize there is no way in hell I will be able to clamber my way up there. The skinny little no anglaise tour guide is convinced he will be able to magically lift me from the water and I will emerge glorious and lovely like Venus from the sea.

OR I will end up sprawled spread eagle and prone on the front of a little boat reeking of gasoline in front of 50 strangers with my bathing suit bottom around my thighs and my bare ass saying hello to our tour guide-and our tour group and other ones and all the little sharks and starfishes.

This is how things often go. In my head, I am a goddess. In reality, I’m spread eagle with my ass hanging out.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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70 Comments leave one →
  1. June 15, 2010 8:12 AM

    Hahaha, no I bet it was really graceful.

  2. June 15, 2010 9:30 AM

    Last time we were in Mexico, I passed up the chance to snorkel. I too do not care for ocean water as there are organisms in it. With teeth. No thank you. But if I did, I’m sure my adventures would mimic yours – I’m about as graceful as a goat.

  3. June 15, 2010 9:38 AM

    I hope you enjoy your upcoming trip. Before they replaced it with all those different states, the US quarter used to have a spread eagle on it, so it is not necessarily unmajestic…remember that. You can be as majestic as you feel!

    The Codger
    http://thecodger.wordpress.com/

  4. PeacockWings permalink
    June 15, 2010 9:39 AM

    wow. i love the trying to swim part. its funny what we can do when we fear our jewelry (ok fingers & jewelry) are at stake!

  5. June 15, 2010 9:56 AM

    I tend to believe stuff people tell me. Great image of you trying to swim while covering your ear rings!

  6. I love my shoes permalink
    June 15, 2010 9:59 AM

    Love it!

  7. June 15, 2010 10:00 AM

    LOL…I’ve been snorkeling in Mexico. It was gorgeous but I would have definitely stroked out had I seen a manatee!!

  8. June 15, 2010 10:03 AM

    I think we might be related! I would completely be the exact same way!
    funny post 🙂

  9. June 15, 2010 10:12 AM

    Hilarious post! Thanks for the laugh!

  10. June 15, 2010 10:16 AM

    brilliant!

  11. me llamo brown permalink
    June 15, 2010 10:18 AM

    Loved it!

  12. June 15, 2010 10:21 AM

    Very sexy. Lol.
    It’s ok. You’re not alone in this world. There are more of us, clumsy, klutzy, unlucky people out there.

  13. June 15, 2010 10:31 AM

    Oh how I love you.
    The only time I have ever attempted snorkeling was in Mexico. That’s right around the time that I also learned that I’m claustrophobic and having a mask on and snorkel jammed in my mouth and not being able to breathe through my nose will give me a panic attack. As will barracudas.

    And I also get seasick and carsick. *high five*

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 15, 2010 11:53 AM

      The snorkel is not my friend. But I HAVE been enjoying your blog and added you to my people who make drinks come out my nose. Yes, it’s all glamour over here at amyblam.com

  14. June 15, 2010 10:40 AM

    You are so funny, I really enjoy reading your stuff!

  15. June 15, 2010 10:53 AM

    That’s so funny. It sounds like me on ‘nature adventures’…. I’d much rather do things with class and grace.

    Thanks for sharing yourself so genuinely.

    Be Blessed,
    Currie Rose

  16. June 15, 2010 10:55 AM

    i think u captured very well but i would like 2 add that that might be my husband’s version 2 a adventure trip..LOL although he’ll never admit it!! hahahahha 😉

  17. June 15, 2010 10:58 AM

    Great travel writing! Better than the NYT Sunday travel page.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 15, 2010 12:09 PM

      Thank you!

  18. June 15, 2010 11:08 AM

    Thanks for the chuckle! I’m very much the same alhtough because I do love the great outdoors as do my hubby and kids, I seem very brave on the outside. Inside, I’m giving myself a pep talk all the time. I’ve never been to Mexico but would love to go some day.

  19. June 15, 2010 11:51 AM

    I really enjoyed this; great images!
    You really painted a funny pictures, snorkeling with your fingers turned in and covering your ears…LOL!

    🙂

  20. amyblam permalink*
    June 15, 2010 12:27 PM

    Thanks everyone for the fab comments.
    It’s sort of like when you are younger and out drinking and trying to meet hot guys and, in your head, you are the hottest thing ever, and then you wake up the next morning and realize your perfectly outlined and filled in lipstick-is in fact perfect, and applied on your forehead.

  21. geckograce permalink
    June 15, 2010 12:39 PM

    Very entertaining blog, then rather depressing when I realized this is me to a T. My mum called me Grace for obvious reasons, but I don’t know, maybe I just grew out of it.

  22. June 15, 2010 1:18 PM

    That was good laugh! Sorry you had a crappy experience. I’m glad I stumbled upon this blog. I’m new to WordPress, as of yesterday, so I’ve been wandering around the blogosphere.

  23. June 15, 2010 1:24 PM

    funny:) nature def. doesn’t sound like your thing. But, in my opinion I think you did pretty good. Your blog seems totally fab. 😀

    • June 15, 2010 1:59 PM

      http://www.noor724.wordpress.com please support my blog too.
      and by the way….HALARIOUS POST!

  24. June 15, 2010 2:00 PM

    The last time I was in Cancun I was extorted by the police.

  25. pajamadays permalink
    June 15, 2010 2:42 PM

    That brought back soooo many memories! That ferry to Isla Mujeres totally SUCKS! It was me and my three Margarita Mommas on my 30th birthday trip, and I hate small boats, and it was hot enough to bake tortillas and there were even dogs, cats, and chickens on people’s laps! One of my fav resorts is in Ixtapa. Can’t wait to read more of your quirky insights.

    http://www.mypajamdays.com

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 1:10 PM

      We actually found an airconditioned catamaran to take us across this time-a huge improvement!

  26. pajamadays permalink
    June 15, 2010 2:43 PM

    Would help if I spelled my web address correctly. arrrgghhh.

    http://www.mypajamadays.com

  27. June 15, 2010 3:08 PM

    lol yes

  28. June 15, 2010 3:08 PM

    A really fun read–great images. Thanks!

  29. June 15, 2010 3:35 PM

    Nobody uses “spaz” any more !… it’s not deemed “politically correct
    Good girl for being true to yourself. 🙂
    Great, fun post.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 1:05 PM

      I tried to be politically correct once and I think I ended up being more offensive than if I had just spoken normally. Typical.

  30. Jen permalink
    June 15, 2010 3:40 PM

    This is awesome. I was there 2 weeks ago, and did that same snorkel tour, with largely the same results. I, however, rented a golf cart and drove in endless circles around the island rather than do it again.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:57 PM

      We had fun with touring the island on our own-we just made our thirs trip to Isla and had the yummiest food ever at a little restaurant in the park at the southern end. We also snorkeled right off the coast at a place called Castillo de Garrifon and that was pretty cool. No boats, just shallow water.

  31. June 15, 2010 3:43 PM

    you made me laugh! great post!

  32. June 15, 2010 4:13 PM

    You perfectly described any scene of me attempting to snorkle. I don’t even try anymore, I just say a polite NO THANK YOU whenever it’s offered.

    My mother-in-law took her daughters and sis-in-laws to Maui. They all (sans me) went snorkling to some fab island with dancing turtles and spinning dolphins (you get the idea). They returned all hopped up on the grandness of snorkling, and were planning to go again the next day, trying to “sell it” to me.
    No thanks, I like breathing air on top of the water!

    If time, check my blog http://www.katie-walters.com, we seem to have some similar experiences!

    Cheers!
    KT

  33. June 15, 2010 4:46 PM

    You make me cry. Cry. And I think we are of the same mother, because these are the exact things that happen to me.

    Also, I will feel better when you are back safe and sound from your upcoming trip. I am going to Mexico for the first time in September, to Cabo and I am terrified we will get kidnapped by the corrupt policia who are in cahoots with the taxi drivers and the drug dealers. This is my fear. Either that or I will get stampeded by Mexican folks selling their cheap tourist shit and I will buy everything because I can never say no, ever. What will I do with a suitcase full of maracas?

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:56 PM

      Oh, you will love it! This was our third trip in as many years and I always have a blast, despite being crazy high maintenance. We take cabs everywhere and do the group guided tours and it always works out.
      Although, Chichen Itza was TOUGH this time. They had vendors everywhere inside and people following you around trying to force you to buy cheaply emboridered napkins.
      Just don’t look at them or respond and you’ll be fine!

  34. June 15, 2010 5:18 PM

    This is a funny post. Me and nature don’t do well either

  35. June 15, 2010 5:37 PM

    Brava! Great post! I cannot imagine what the attraction of snore-kell-ing could be for anyone who’s name is NOT Ernest Hemingway or Norman Mailer. And they’re both dead. But what about Lloyd Bridges and Seahunt? Now THAT was a rawkin’ TV show!

  36. June 15, 2010 5:52 PM

    Im sorry, but I laughed. I can, however, totally sympathize with you. Maybe it was the 5’2 (which I am) or the uncoordinated (which I am also) but I totally could put myself in your shoes (or flippers). Thanks for sharing this.

  37. June 15, 2010 6:02 PM

    Haha, I am the clumsiest person that ever existed too! I love the Cancun area… make sure you get down a little further south and get to go to Playa… hit up quinta avenida (fifth street) it is so beautiful!

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:49 PM

      I think next time we go we will probably stay in Playa-be a little closer to the archaelogical sites and all that.

  38. June 15, 2010 6:28 PM

    Love the ocean, but I too would freak if a manatee came near. I need a safe three feet of glass between us to feel at ease.

  39. June 15, 2010 6:44 PM

    HA, Ha, Ha, ha, ha……..

  40. June 15, 2010 9:01 PM

    Your barracuda story reminded me of the “Parent Trap” scene with the step-mother and her fear of bears (or mountain lions, in the case of the more recent remake).

  41. June 15, 2010 9:06 PM

    you should have swallowed the loot. messy clean up later but at least you’re fingers would be in tact.

    always here to help.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:41 PM

      You are always helpful and full of the good suggestions!

  42. June 15, 2010 9:12 PM

    While my OCD requires me to point out that manatees have a max. weight of 1 ton, I do love this post and can totally identify with your distaste for snorkeling!

  43. June 15, 2010 9:39 PM

    Snorkeling makes me claustrophobic and I detest it. In general, breathing underwater is unnatural and scares the cute, cropped capris off of me.

  44. missbaawsy permalink
    June 15, 2010 10:11 PM

    This is a such a funny post! love it!

  45. Lulu permalink
    June 15, 2010 11:00 PM

    I’d like to snorkel, the only crucial problem is that I can’t swim
    hehehe
    Thanks

  46. itsaelaine permalink
    June 15, 2010 11:17 PM

    It’s my first time visiting your blog and CLEARLY I’ve missed out! Your sense of humor is right up there with mine, and I “lurve” it. I honestly lost myself and had to stop reading when I made it to the “I almost stroked out when a 900 ton manatee came to say hello-but other than that it was lovely” line.

    Nevermind that this is early on in this whole entry.

    I’m adding you to my blogroll and can’t wait to read more!

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:32 PM

      What is your site? I’d love to come visit!

  47. June 16, 2010 1:31 AM

    I’hv come across the blog that I must appreciate. i loved your work. Keep it up!
    Give you thumb!
    http://www.abdulrauf.net.tc

  48. Songbird permalink
    June 16, 2010 1:57 AM

    LOL! I loved it- you are a great writer! What a fab read with my morning coffee!!

  49. June 16, 2010 3:11 AM

    Yea I’m kind of afraid to snorkel….But it’s cool. Cancun is a cool experience! I would actually like to see the ruins!

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:29 PM

      I really wanted to make it to Ek-Balam this time but couldn’t find a tour to take us, bummed.

  50. June 16, 2010 3:59 AM

    haha this is hilarious

  51. June 16, 2010 7:23 AM

    Yep, the old ferry to Isla Mujeres. Had to laugh as I have similar memories. Thanks for the morning chuckle!

    http://www.zippychix.com

  52. shesmyhusband permalink
    June 16, 2010 7:56 AM

    You are correct…Mexico is beautiful! Just sip a pina colada before you go out there..just make sure you have someone with you!! lol.

  53. June 16, 2010 8:31 AM

    Hahaha fun! And your husband sounds hilarious!
    http://www.denwrites.com

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 12:22 PM

      Yes, he thinks my blog wouldn’t be nearly as funny without him. Which is probably true.

  54. June 16, 2010 9:20 AM

    Oh my, I couldn’t quit laughing at this. Thank you for sharing!

  55. June 16, 2010 10:08 AM

    Had to chuckle over this one. I still rememeber a trip to Isla Mujeres many moons ago when on my honeymoon. It seems that times have not changed!

    http://www.zippychix.com

  56. June 17, 2010 7:24 AM

    Nature is our best friend.

Trackbacks

  1. Again. Nature and I are not friends. (via Amy’s Blam) « Christina Jeanne’s Blog
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