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Friday Flip-Offs 6/25

June 24, 2010

So again, thanks to Miss Gigi at KludgyMom for the always fabulous idea.

She and Miss, another one of my fave bloggers, have started The Blogger’s Concierge. On their own, they are all KINDS of genius and this new venture will take advantage of their expertise. Also? I’m guest posting there Friday. If you’re from there-a big ol’ welcome! Feel free to have a look-see, kick the tires and all that. Just don’t look in the closets or under the rug.

I’ve had a most excellent week, Mexico was full of the fabulous and not really asstastic or craptacular at all-but no worries lovies-I can ALWAYS find something to flip off. It’s quite the skill.

Ponytails-while in theory you are quite genius and may have been solely responsible for me not fully melting under the Mexican sun-I DO NOT appreciate the horizontal burn stripe on my oh so delicate scalp. Ye-ouch!

TSA or FAA or whomever is responsible for ridiculous inflight rules. I am glad you recognize the glory that is THE AmyBlam but I hate to tell you-my kindle and I are not powerful enough to take down an airplane during take off or landing particularly when I always leave the wireless off to prolong battery life. I currently still lack the technology needed for world domination. That may change once I get a Droid X but for now? We’re good. Also? Watches utilize battery power and nobody has to fling them out a window or anything… ANYHOO I was thoroughly enjoying my Heather McDonald book when you rudely demanded I immediately cease and desist with the kindle usage. I was JUST learning that she and I are sisters. And yes, that bi-atch still has not acknowledged my existence or even sent me an autographed book. Is that anyway to treat family? Okay, so maybe we are just sorority sisters and not even at the same school, but I’m totally counting it. Heather, I would even let you sleep in my closet room with all my sparkles and shoes if you want to visit Rocket City, USA.

People that don’t watch their kids-I’m frequently annoyed by this but even more so when I’m on vacation. You may think it’s cute when little asshat junior repeatedly flings his non-appropriately sunscreen lubed body into the pool over and over again all over adults and their drinks and their kindles-but I do not. In fact, it makes me want to drag your child and take part in a Mayan tradition. Of human sacrifice. Also? When your athletically challenged child is attempting to play catch with your equally unathletic husband and that ball comes dangerously close to me? I am not screwing around when I warn you all that if the ball hits me-I will keep it and not give it back.

The desk clerk that tried to tell me I was in a non-smoking room when I complained that it smelled of smoke. Really? Cause I’m pretty sure the helpfully placed bedside ashtray and matches combined with the burn holes in the chairs and comforter provide plenty of evidence to the contrary.

People that like to aimlessly amble around places where people are often in a hurry-say, for example, airports. Yes, it is SUPER convenient and helpful when you and your group of 20 come to a dead-ass stop in the middle of hallways and then stand and stare dumbfounded while spittle drips down your chin. It makes me want to hijack a courtesy cart, attach cattle prods and flame throwers and run you all down.

Work emails-don’t you people know I have been out of the country and missed that Jake and Vienna sausage broke up and I have valuable and important tv to catch up on, like the housewives and Ally and her gang of oh so merry men? Jeez already. I also don’t think I have ever mentioned that I think her parents named her Vienna after their favorite processed meaty treat since she was born with one attached in her who-ha area. Yes, I’m awful and, yes, my handbasket is monogrammed with sparkles and equipped with pockets for snacks and beer.

Tanning-oh you wicked, evil temptress. Yes, I resisted your siren song but I don’t think you have any idea just how difficult it was to slather on waterproof spf, wear a hat AND spend my time under an umbrella. Flaunting super tan chicas with blinding white teeth, small badonka donk, double donk, and perfect perky fake boobs did not make this little test of yours any easier. Because, clearly, all it would take for me to look JUST like them would be a tan.

Acne-I’m joining some of the other flippers on this one (no, not the fake teeth-the bloggers.) I never broke out or had zits until after the precious bratchild made her lovely entrance into this world. Last night the hubs found a zit had moved into my back and set up camp. I call him George. He sang me to sleep. His brother, Jorge, is busily burrowing into my chin, having a kegger and inviting all his sweaty friends.

So hop in my handbasket, it’s awfully roomy, and share your flips below!

(A little housekeeping note-am totally back and working my way through the awesome comments left in my absence. Oh, how I missed the internet.)

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. June 25, 2010 1:19 AM

    Great Flips! People that just wander around and stop for no reason when I’m in a rush really annoy me. I have a buggy and I’m not afraid to use it to clear a path when necessary!

  2. June 25, 2010 2:40 AM

    How about a cool drink to calm down? 🙂
    It’s not too strong but tastes summer…
    Greetings from Casablanca, Morocco!

  3. June 25, 2010 7:55 AM

    OMG. I loved every minute of this post. hahha. Especially he airplane vs your kindle.

  4. June 25, 2010 8:03 AM

    You are too funny. And jsyk, my BIL who is a pilot says they can use their cellphones and laptops during flight in the cockpit. It’s all one big LIE! And that doesn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that those who are flying the plane can surf the net. And I’m with ya on the tanning. Normally I’m the one under the umbrella, but that spot was taken. Hence the nasty burn. I loathe those 17 year old perky bums and the 40 yr old fake boobs.

  5. June 25, 2010 8:38 AM

    Omg, girl, you are on FIRE today!!! Best flips so far!!!!

    “asshat” is a new term to me. I usually frequent use of “assclown” but I may have to add “asshat” to my repertoire. thank you!

    This post was rare form – excellent! 🙂 and your post is up at TBC. woo hoo!!! Enjoy!

  6. June 25, 2010 9:24 AM

    You might just be the flipping queen! These are the best flips I’ve seen. For realz. Tanning and acne need to be added to my list too!

  7. June 25, 2010 12:28 PM

    The no Kindle thing has nothing to do with electronic devices interfering with anything concerning the plane. It’s actually more so that you are paying attention during take off and landing as more than 90% of all crashes happen during this time. In the event of an emergency they don’t want you distracted. It still doesn’t make any sense but oh well…

    The zits! Yeah I’m guessing all the sun screen… Never fails if I go out in the sun and lather up about two days later I’ll get weird random zits… like on my arm… Who the hell gets a zit on there arm! It’s the sun screen… Great for sun protection but filled with heavy moisturizers and wax that plug your pours.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 26, 2010 6:51 PM

      My hubs was trying to explain that to me and I was all-okay but I could be here reading the encyclopedia which is much larger and unwieldy and certainly more dangerous but that would be okay? Ugh. I hate silly rules.
      Sunscreen drives me nuts-I have got to find one that doesn’t sting my face and give me zits!

  8. Lauren permalink
    June 25, 2010 1:09 PM

    LOVE THE FLIPS! I’m with you on the ACNE! During those terrible teenage years when EVERYONE was bathing in Retin-A, I never had a single zit. Never washed my face and consumed loads of chocolate and soda. Not a one. Then I turn 30 last year and BAM my face blows up! I HATE YOU ACNE!

  9. June 25, 2010 1:39 PM

    Haha, these were some good ones! I’m so there on every single one. Except I’m not cool enough to own a Kindle. That’s some fanciness.

  10. June 25, 2010 2:25 PM

    That is very funny! I have never read flips before….
    check this blog out it is also very funny:
    thislittlemommystayedhome.blogspot.com

  11. June 25, 2010 3:41 PM

    I did great in Costa Rica. My skin glowed. I was an unstoppable, slightly dewey goddess. But here? Back home? Oh yes, it’s zit city. My skin threw me a bone on vacation and now it’s cashing in. My pores have been handing out propaganda brochures all week and my whole face is rioting.

    I just got a Kindle and I wait with baited breath for one of my kids to ruin it. Because that’s how they roll. Jerks.

  12. June 26, 2010 12:55 AM

    your flips are freakin hilarious….LOVE them, the best i have read!!

  13. June 26, 2010 9:25 AM

    Hi! I’m here from The Lady Bloggers Tea Party Social! Pleased to meet you. I’ve got a HELLO, HANDSOME blog party happening at my blog right now. I’d be tickled pink if you stopped by and joined in the fun.

    Deborah
    Homemaker Honey
    homemakerhoney.com

  14. June 26, 2010 12:01 PM

    Great flip offs…and funny! But by far, the best one is the flip off for the sunburned scalp – been there, done that and it sucked! Flip off from me too!

  15. June 27, 2010 11:08 AM

    Thanks for the sweet comment on my A list post. You are sweet to do a plug for Gigi and Mis. They are great and their blog is gonna be fab!!

    Come check out my frist ever vlog and $25 itunes giveaway. http://weloveiowa.blogspot.com/2010/06/25-itunes-giveaway-to-say-thanks.html

  16. June 27, 2010 11:08 AM

    I meant to say “FIRST” ever. haha. Spastic fingers today.

  17. June 27, 2010 11:24 AM

    Yes, the only downside I’ve found to my iPad is the stinkin plane and the fact I don’t feel very safe bringing it in my bubble bath with me.

    And those people in the airport? I want to just haul back and kick them in the ass with the shank that is my stiletto heel. I can understand ambling around when you don’t have anywhere to go, but this is the freakin’ AIRPORT! Everyone has somefreakinwhere to go!

    Gaaaa, I wish their were police squads whose only job was to arrest fashion offenders and stupid people. I would enlist on both squads and I would be the cop accused of brutality. That is how much I hate the stupid and those who have no business wearing spandex.

    And I had the acne, until my goddess of a dermatologist put me on Retin A and now my face is a glowy, less wrinkly happy face.

    I also have the burqa look for the beach. The sun and I, we’re just not friends. Irish girls don’t make good tanorexics.

    And once again, I’m soooo glad you made it back safely. It gives me great hope that I will not be kidnapped by the taxi drivers/police/and or Mexican drug lords. Now I just have to watch out for the diarrhea.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 27, 2010 1:24 PM

      I have a tricky tummy so I will only drink bottle water that comes sealed to me and I drink everything without ice-other than that, I think you’ll be fine.
      Oh, they also suggest avoiding lettuce as it has muchos wrinkly places were bad water can hide.

  18. June 27, 2010 3:49 PM

    People that don’t watch their kids – a BIG pet peeve of mine! Drives me insane.

  19. June 28, 2010 8:22 PM

    I am from NYC which means I move with purpose. Lollygaggers make me apoplectic. Also? I thnk George’s entire extended family plus the kids he fathered out of wedlock with his dental hygenist are living in my chin. Of course, they’ve been there for the last 20 years. TWENTY YEARS and I don’t know how many pills and pastes and ointments and OMG now I am depressed and feel like hurling myself into oncoming traffic. I’d reconsider if I could join you in your quest for sparkly world domination.

    • amyblam permalink*
      June 28, 2010 8:27 PM

      Of COURSE you are welcome to join me in my quest for sparkly world domination.

  20. June 29, 2010 11:13 AM

    This is full of the awesome and I love of you.

  21. Susan permalink
    June 29, 2010 5:35 PM

    I thought those people who wander aimlessly around were only where I was ….I need to borrow your cart tomorrow bc I’m going to WALLY WORLD (walmart) and I need to torch a few! HILARIOUS! OH yeah!

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