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A lawyer, a weatherman and a wrestler? The poor Bachelorette.

June 29, 2010

WHY do I watch this show? I got help for the addiction and gave it up but then a local girl was on a few seasons back and I got sucked back in.

I’ve actually never blogged about it before, though people have asked me to based on some of my facebook comments but last night’s episode reached a new ridiculous low and I can’t keep it in.

Producers-really? This is the BEST America has to offer? I realize after 900 seasons, the pickings are getting a little slim but come on!

First, the Weatherman. I was thrilled to see him go but he still warrants a mention. I’m sorry, he dresses how Tom Cruise would dress if it were the 80’s and he was a closeted gay man. Let’s face it, the weatherman should be singing “It’s Raining Men,” not on a reality tv show trying (failing) to woo a girl. Jake is single now, and also a douche, maybe you should make a play for him? (I still think the only realistic ending of Jake’s season would have been him riding off into the sunset with Chris Harrison-or a mirror.)

The Wrestler-I may be a snob but I would have sent him home the first night if for no other reason than his career choice. And then? He’s a total douche. He’s slimy and he makes me feel dirty-and not in a good way. His sticking around furthers my belief that 75% of the choices about who stays are made by the producers. Nice guys and no drama don’t make for “good” tv.

Ty-JESUS! I get it, you’re from Tennessee. You know what? I’m from Alabama which is supposedly way more Southern and we have lots and lots of the ‘necks. For real, there was a fraternity at my college that had an Old South week. You can buy frilly, camo onesies with pink embroidery saying Daddy’s Little Hunting Buddy. We have people that might possibly kill people over a football game between two big college rivals-and the craziest fans didn’t attend either school. But you know what? Even Alabama rednecks don’t constantly dress as if they are participating in the Western Wear portion of a kiddie pageant. I guess I should just be relieved you aren’t smart enough to work a bedazzler.

Craig-Please read “He’s Just Not Into You” and replace all the Hes with Shes. Send me your address and I will mail you a copy. Also? If you want a girl to date you? Try not to wear striped, v-neck t-shirts with a crocheted coaster (what WAS that?) as a hat. Please. And buzz your hair or something-give up the caesar. You are probably a fairly normal person, so I’m not sure how you made it this far. Except so many of her other choices were completely sucktastic. And yeah, we got it. You’re a Lawyer. I think an awesome drinking game would be to take a shot every time he says lawyer. You’d be legally dead from alcohol poisoning 80% of the way through an episode.

Roberto-you’re hot and not a tool, it seems. Feel free to keep your shirt off the rest of the season. The olive oil is a nice touch. I could dip snacks on you. That’s thoughtful. You would probably also be willing to fulfill my dreams of wearing sparkles and ballroom dancing.

Chris L.-While I like you better with your shirt off, your hair still bothers me.

Frank-you’re whiny and you wear cardigans. You probably manage a Hot Topic. (God. I’m bitchy today.) Though you did make me laugh when you guys were in the bazaar.

There are numerous reasons that I couldn’t be The Bachelorette. I mean, other than being married to the perfect guy for me and him frowning upon  me (plus I’m really lazy) having a dating life.

While I can totally zone off during a conversation, I don’t think I could pull it together to fake laugh. Always a few seconds too late.

There is NO way I could aimlessly wander and look pensive and deep and thoughtful-while being filmed the entire time. I fall down too much and I wouldn’t be able to do that shit with a straight face.

I don’t like to wear tablecloths-why couldn’t they just wear bathing suits in the Turkish bath? I get that you’re supposed to be naked there but I think a bathing suit is closer to nude than red and white checkered table linens.

The rose ceremony-that is way too HIGH pressure for me. I mean, I used to quit dating people by just not talking to them anymore, I couldn’t deal with an official ceremony. I’ve also been known to dive under tables, behind counters, into closets to hide from exes and always leave somewhere if there’s more than 3 people I’ve ever gone on a date with. Three strikes and I’m out. So no rose ceremonies, or reunion shows, for me.

I have really good parents. The kind that would take me home and lock me in a closet if I were making out with people on tv, acting a fool or appearing insane. (Appearing insane and acting a fool on the internets is TOTALLY okay. Clearly.)

I can’t fake sounding sad and the only time I really cry is if I’m ready to hire a hitman pissed off. Or if that commercial comes on where the brother comes home and his sister tells him he’s her gift. Or if I have ridiculous PMS. Thanks to the wonder that is Mirena, I haven’t had a period in years (this may be why I don’t have many male readers) but I still get PMS that is a BIATCH. Not at all like the perky, suit-clad redhead on the commercials.

So clearly I’m out. I’m sure my hubs is relieved. Or not. He might could use a break.

Also? I totally want a belly dancing outfit right now.

Who’s your favorite on the show? Would you make a good candidate?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

17 Comments leave one →
  1. Mandy permalink
    June 29, 2010 11:45 AM

    I am dying… you have it to a t. I watch it because I honestly couldnt find anything else on and then I enjoy laughing at stupid people. I am rolling about Chris and Roberto with the oil. My exact thoughts… Frank = tool. I cant stand him. seriously a sweater with perfectly ripped jeans, whatever…

  2. June 29, 2010 12:19 PM

    I was all into Ty until he wouldn’t stop saying ‘Thank you’ last night after everything Ali did. That was just annoying. Roberto definitely has the looks, but I have yet to see his real personality. My gut thinks that Ali is probably still single to this day…

  3. June 29, 2010 1:36 PM

    This is the first season of the series that I have not watched. I’ve been a faithful viewer, but I got tired of it all. Now, I go to Reality Steve’s website, get the spoilers, get his lowdown, and it’s much more time effective.

    Tools. All of the men, they are.

    The girls? I don’t even have words.

  4. June 29, 2010 2:46 PM

    “I guess I should just be relieved you aren’t smart enough to work a bedazzler.

    Cracked me up.

    I haven’t ever been able to watch these shows because I don’t know why, I’m probably jealous or something. All the men look the same and all the girls look the same and they all seem to be drinking from the same vapid well. I think you could produce a much better show, in face you are welcome to produce my dating game going on over at my site, cuz lord knows I don’t know what the hell I am doing.

  5. Pamela *Amy and Melissa's Mother Extraordinaire* permalink
    June 29, 2010 3:25 PM

    Thank you Darlin’Girl for the “reall good parents” comment. Yes, I would drag you physically away from these pompous neanderthals(?) who are clearly in love with themselves, gay, or just want to prove they can be on television. I highly suggest you change your addiction to “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Clearly a much higher caliber of television reality. You get fashion advice, additions to your vocabulary, and a slap down “take off the earrings and kick off the shoes I gonna kick you ass” drama. AND, your Baby Girl asked me last evening why I watched “this ridiculous program?”
    What are you teaching her when she is away from me?

  6. Rebekah permalink
    June 29, 2010 5:33 PM

    Dood. Frank also wears a THUMB RING. ‘Nough said. And, @gigi? You missed the AWESOME smackdown that Ali gave Justin. Reality Steve didn’t tell us how fantastic that would be!

  7. June 29, 2010 7:05 PM

    I’ve managed to resist all the dating reality shows but I enjoyed your review. Don’t be too impressed that I haven’t been sucked in … I did sit through 3 seasons of Big Brother, 3 nights a week, not to mention Survivor, and assorted other Reality TV.

    Found my way here from TBC and now following! 🙂

  8. Lulu permalink
    June 29, 2010 7:28 PM

    This kind of show was shown on local TV here in Indonesia sometime ago. As for locals, we don’t have this kind of dating shows anymore.
    I believe everything is not flowing naturally, hmm, everything on TV even though it’s called a reality show- it is still based on a script, and directed by a director.
    This kind of show could be interesting if there were bunch of gorgeous men, hehe.

  9. June 30, 2010 12:33 PM

    I am so glad I wasn’t the only one who wrote about the horrible tablecloth attire!! Oh my!

  10. itsaelaine permalink
    June 30, 2010 11:34 PM

    Ahhh yes, although not watching this show, a Google Image of Roberto is warrranted now after that tasty description!

  11. July 1, 2010 4:06 PM

    I don’t know why but I also got sucked into this show again this season. I read that the Bachelor has a 1 in 14 success rate – with the latest crash and burn being Jake and Vienna. That’s what you get when you choose a girl named after a hot dog. Loved your summary of the guys – but what’s your take on Casey, the tattooed one? Yikes. Glad Ali let him go before there was another incident involving a bandage around a wrist… As for who’s left, it is slim pickins, although Roberto seems the most normal. If anyone who chooses to make out in a hot tub on national TV can be called normal. Good luck to them all…

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 1, 2010 10:50 PM

      I felt bad talking about Casey because I couldn’t ever figure out if there was something wrong with him for real. My parents would have murdered me had I made out in a hot tub on tv!

  12. July 1, 2010 10:54 PM

    Gosh, am I the only one enjoying this show?? Heck, I TiVo this show every Monday night so that I can watch it while I’m on my treadmill. It’s so ridiculously entertaining that it makes that grueling time (on the treadmill) goes by so much faster!

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 2, 2010 10:50 AM

      I actually LOVE the show, maybe it’s a love-hate thing with me…

  13. mairzeebp permalink
    July 3, 2010 8:26 AM

    Wears cardigans and probably manages a Hot Topic made me spit out my cereal. So funny. I stopped watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette a few seasons ago. My brain could not handle how many people it would need to make fun of/stare incredulously at during each episode. It almost melted down. Now I don’t need to watch. Your synopsis is perfect. It’s like I’m there without having to be there. If only work worked like that 🙂


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