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One flew over the Blam nest.

July 13, 2010

So I don’t know about the rest of you but I regularly question my sanity. Anybody else? And no, I don’t mean do you guys question MY sanity, that’s probably a given, but whether or not you question your own.

A couple of years back, I tried to go see a therapist and other than my inability to sleep due to my go go go must do everything immediately attitude, he said I didn’t need therapy. He proclaimed me terribly well-adjusted. And then I asked for printed, laminated, wallet-sized proof and IN HIS HEAD he probably changed his mind. Immediately. (In all fairness, he could have proclaimed me terribly mal-adjusted, he had a pretty thick Eastern European accent. I’m choosing to go with the former since he didn’t prescribe drugs, suggest I come back several times a week or send me off in a straight jacket right that very second.)

I’ve also had people, reliable and super smart people ie. the few people that I can stand to hang out with and like and respect, tell me that you know you’re NOT crazy if it occurs to you to consider it once in awhile or if you ever think, wow. Right now I am being a crazy biotch.

The other night after bratchild escaped to my parents’ house, J and I had dinner together. And since being married is ALL about sharing your hopes and fears-I shared one of mine. A fear, not a hope.

I explained to him, that thanks to Lifetime movies and a few other media outlets, I have always had a fear that my husband would have me involuntarily committed so he could, you know, sleep with the babysitter or steal my money. (I chose to ignore the fact that my parents are our only babysitters so ewww…and that in lieu of millions I have shoes. And Lilly. And jewelry. And lots and lots of books. Somehow I don’t think my hubs wants to wear Kate Spade stilettos while sporting a Lilly frock and reading Jenn Lancaster. Pink and green really aren’t his colors.)

ANYWAYS-so then I had to go on about how you can’t even deny you’re crazy and say hey, my hubs put me here so he could screw our postal lady (also ewww…) because then? You’re totally crazy and paranoid and delusional to boot. You can’t win.

I did concede that it might not be so bad to spend time in a *nice* mental institution (no “Shutter Island” or “Girl, Interrupted” for me please) because you get to sleep, they medicate you, I imagine there’s craft time and you are SUPPOSED to devote many hours to talking about yourself. It’s allowed, expected and encouraged. Throw in unlimited internet access and it would be the ultimate vacation. Or not. I would probably end up with the scary “Futurama” version of Nurse Ratchett. (The hubs did mention that due to my aforementioned shoe habit, we wouldn’t have the cash for a “nice” loony bin.)

All that this little convo accomplished? More things added to my not allowed to watch list which already included M. Night Shitmyland movies, end of the world movies, anything remotely scary and animal movies. Lifetime movies and movies featuring mental hospitals have been added. If this keeps going, the only thing I will be allowed to watch will be spanx porn or something. (You people have NO IDEA how many people use that search term and end up on my blog. Personally? I’m terrified to google it. Other than my blog, clearly, I can’t imagine what would pop up. Ewww…again.)

And then today,  I had lunch with my friend Marcy and her hubs, or as I like to call them, two people I enjoy being around that I don’t want to murder and that aren’t drama (not fun drama) asshats. And we were discussing pregnancy. It somehow came up that when I was pregnant with bratchild I took like 9 negative home pregnancy tests. And no, I don’t think I’m too stupid to work them correctly-I think I am a freak. Compound that with the fact that I still had cramping and bleeding you could color me shocked when the doc said I was pregnant. I thought I was dying-or had an ulcer. I would buy me with an ulcer. Instead I asked her, the following IS a direct quote, “Are you fucking with me?” She laughed and nicely told me they didn’t joke about those things.

ANYHOO, so Marcy was telling me how she LOVES that “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” show. I was flabbergasted. That show terrifies me. Because it almost happened to me-if I wasn’t such a whiny not liking to suffer any sort of discomfort biotch. Even now? I periodically panic that I might be pregnant AND DON’T KNOW IT. And therefore my child will be born with a little pre-pierced stud earring in the form of a Mirena. I haven’t had a period for three years, which is awesome, but it can occasionally make you panic a bit. Plus, because of my stomach, I’m nauseous and stuff so often that who can tell? Add in my fluctuating weight and a baby could just drop out while I was doing yard work or something-except, I try not to do yard work…

The point of all this, hell, I don’t know what the point of this was. That I’m not crazy? That I shouldn’t be allowed to watch tv or movies? That if Marcy and her hubs (who coincidentally is a lawyer and knows about locking people up in various places) might join ranks with my hubs and have me in a straightjacket faster than I can say Tory Burch? Well, shit ya’ll. This entire blog will probably soon be used in a commitment hearing.

Anyone else out there question their own personal sanity? Anyone?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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28 Comments leave one →
  1. July 13, 2010 8:15 AM

    Sorry, I can’t comment. I need to Google spanx porn. WTF?

  2. July 13, 2010 9:55 AM

    This was definitely a post I never wanted to end. It was so enjoyable. spanx porn? ummm too bad I’m at work, can’t look it up.

  3. July 13, 2010 11:02 AM

    Totally going to google spanx porn on the iphone (that’s precisely why I bring mine to work). Also, don’t ever watch OCD Project or Obsessed on A&E. It makes me seriously question my own mental health. I actually relate to the people. Scary. Oh, and your husband may not want your Lilly, books or shoes, but I may! 🙂

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:26 PM

      The one Obsessed I watched featured a lady who spent all her time in the shower cleaning her anus with a toothbrush. I was traumatized.

  4. July 13, 2010 12:41 PM

    I used to work in the mental health field, and in addition to the out-there people who thought they had it all together, I met plenty of out-there people who knew & told me ALL about it. (Mute buttons are great for getting work done.) You’re fine, but, yea, you might want to watch a little more Nickelodeon & Disney Channel. Food TV might spark some fun food obsessions, but only if you stay away from the show about the chef who has to re-make the Health Dept.’s Top 10 Losers, or something like that. (And sometimes I think my hubs might “Gaslight” me, too, but I can’t think of anyone who’d want him.)

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:30 PM

      I think my hubs might do it just for the quiet.

  5. July 13, 2010 12:48 PM

    ohhhh lordy. you make me laugh. alot. let’s go to one of those “nice places” and see if they will give us a group discount.

    I also visited a “therapist” once who, after 2 visits told me I was fine and handling things the right way. She told me I didn’t need to come back. I cried hysterically and informed her that I would be back. next week. I went twice more then quit. I can hang out with friends and they can tell me the same thing. And that only cost me Beer….

  6. July 13, 2010 4:18 PM

    I have a lot of ridiculous fears, Amy girl, but I have never worried about a baby plopping out of me while on the public toilet at Denny’s. And maybe that’s because I don’t eat at Denny’s.

    And you know, Spanx Porn would be pretty easy since there’s that hole in the bottom, you know, so you can pee easily, but hey I guess you could do other things easily in it, too. Although, if you only have sex with your Spanx on, I’d say you have some definite body conscious issues.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:33 PM

      Not all spanx have the peehole! I recently trapped myself at a fundraiser unable to pee. I had on a really fitted black cocktail dress and the boob high spanx and drank a TON of water since there was no booze and then? When I went to pee, there was no hole. I had to hold it for hours!

  7. July 13, 2010 7:42 PM

    I question my sanity daily. Possibly hourly. In fact I am questioning my sanity right this very moment. Also? I CAN NOT FOR THE LOVE OF MY QUESTIONABLE SANITY believe that there is an entire show devoted to people who don’t know they are pregnant. A 1-hour special? Ok. I get it. A 6-hour miniseries? Ok. My disbelief is suspended *just* enough. But an entire freaking series? And this is why I don’t watch reality TV. It makes me stabby. Although I did know someone IRL who did not know she was preggers with #2 until 6 or 7 months in because she was that fat. Kid you not.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:34 PM

      See? People keep telling me about people they know who didn’t know they were pregnant. Not as many people know someone who’s husband had them committed so he could sleep with the babysitter or postal lady…so that’s something.

  8. mairzeebp permalink
    July 14, 2010 12:43 AM

    I could tell you all of the things that made me laugh/smile/love you and your blog because of this post but honestly, I would need to make it a post all on its own to do my admiration justice (don’t you love how I make it about me :). I laughed out loud. Often. You are so funny and sarcastic and witty and a breath of fresh air. Cheers to you and your nonasshatedness.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:35 PM

      Being able to make things about you is an excellent skill-I should know! 😉

  9. July 14, 2010 2:21 AM

    Everyone is kind of nuts in their own way. Being sane simply means that your own brand of insanity is simply operating UNDER the radar. Besides, I think sanity is subjective. If you’re nuts and broke, you’re crazy. If you’re nuts and RICH, you’re ECCENTRIC.

    Go figure.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:35 PM

      So I just need to become rich? And famous. Must work on that.

  10. July 14, 2010 8:55 AM

    Well, you may have a tad bit of craziness in you, but who wouldn’t want that? If you weren’t a wee bit looney, your blog wouldn’t be as enjoyable. So, thank that head of yours! Because of your mental state, I was able to enjoy the visual of a baby falling out of you as you mow the yard and I absolutely thank you for that. On another note, I am totally with you on the anxiety that centers around having enough toilet paper in the house. Your comment on my blog made me laugh!

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:38 PM

      I’m glad I gave you that pleasant mental image!

  11. July 14, 2010 10:31 AM

    You are pretty much awesome, lol. Spanx porn. Hmm…

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:38 PM

      Awww, thanks ma’am!

  12. July 14, 2010 2:40 PM

    LOL, I thought I was going crazy once and found out I was having anxiety attacks. Also, I know a woman who didn’t know she was pregnant until they had to take her to the hospital because she was in so much pain- they thought it was her appendix.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:40 PM

      Things like that are why I am terrified!

  13. July 14, 2010 4:48 PM

    The first part of this sounds like me…I think we saw the same thick accented therapist. I continually question my sanity and did not realize I was pregnant for 2 months+…or refused to accept that I was pregnant. Now I must go watch Hoarders to make myself feel better.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 14, 2010 7:41 PM

      It makes me feel worse to watch those shows, I get all paranoid that due to my reluctance to put away laundry that I may end up with a roomfull of used, adult diapers.

  14. July 14, 2010 7:13 PM

    Totally agree that if you are sane enough to wonder if you’re insane then you’re sane. Ok, I sound crazy now!

  15. July 14, 2010 9:55 PM

    Note to self: do not take a giant sip of wine while reading your blog posts ever. Because seriously. THAT was just hysterical 🙂

    Will have to Google Spanx Porn.

    And also? I love that “I didn’t know I was pregnant” show, if only because I can’t believe that people just have NO IDEA THEY ARE PREGGERS!!!! But there was a 20/20 once that had something similar and I swear there’s no way this woman could have known which just boggles the mind.

    I don’t think you’re crazy 🙂

  16. July 15, 2010 10:33 AM

    We’re all crazy…I have nightmares involving things that should be in no one’s head and wake my husband while yelling, “No, no, take that,” I can’t leave the bathroom until all the toothbrushing residue is completely down the drain, and I prefer not to eat off white plates…you’re fine…

  17. July 15, 2010 12:47 PM

    Do you think those “nice places” have naptime? Because it might be worth it if I could have an afternoon nap every day. And if I could bring my shoe collection with me. Hey, we could be roomies!

  18. July 15, 2010 10:27 PM

    I find it’s best to not question insanity, it’s easier to just accept it.

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