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I don’t want to be taxidermied or served at a BBQ

July 14, 2010

This week’s Bachelorette was downright terrifying. Jeez, I thought I’d dated some crazies and dealt with some insane families. As nuts as they were, at least I never worried I’d end up like a rotisserie pig with a tomato in my mouth and stuff. (Bonus? If they stuffed something in her mouth, maybe she’d quit whining about being torn.)

I think it was pretty much a given Kirk/Curt would be going home after his dad took her to the basement. My first question would have been why are we going to the basement? Followed by do you have an ax and a tarp down there? Do you know since I have a 3 letter name that’s 3 states you’ll have to spread my body parts throughout? Probably Alaska, Louisiana and Illinois…

And then his dad proclaimed that he’d like to have Ali around all the time. In his freezer or mounted on his wall? Good lord! I can’t imagine why it didn’t work out with his parents-his mom is all about fake flowers and his dad has a thing for dead heads. Neither of them likes things that are alive-including each other!

Part of this I blame on some movie called Sin City, I think, that my hubs came across when he was flipping channels. There were heads of girls mounted on the wall. I may have been prejudiced against his family from the get go.

Baseball uniforms are sexy? Ummm…no, uniforms do nothing for me. But I did think Roberto’s family was adorable. Plus, they could just speak Spanish and then she wouldn’t know when his parents were saying, wow-she really isn’t good enough for our son.

Speaking of wardrobe, just how many layers was Frank wearing during the rose ceremony? I’ve never seen anyone wear a zip fleece jacket under a blazer before. And tv lights are hot and stuff. I should know, I have firsthand experience due to my internet fame with Southern Fried Snark. I am a professional. Ha.

And Ali’s dress for the rose ceremony? Horrid. It reminded me of Charlize Theron’s rosebud/cinnabon boobies at the Oscars. I don’t care if it’s couture. Couture can be dreadful. A label doesn’ t make something tasteful or elegant.

Frank needs constantly reassured-isn’t he about to leave her for his ex? And Ali doesn’t want to reassure Frank? Ummm…didn’t she come and BEG Jake to reassure her much earlier in the season before she decided to leave? Seems like some little lady may be about to get her comeuppance. (And if karma is going to kick it-I’ve got people that could use a kick way more than Ali Fudgemylife.)

And personally? I would feel like a douche meeting all these people’s parents-especially knowing full well 3, and maybe even 4, of them I would never see again.

And Chris L.’s family is SO nice and they’ve been through SO much-I hope she sent them a fruit basket with a card reading, “I’m a dumbass and yellow is my favorite color and you guys aren’t cheery enough and stuff. And since I don’t know normal when it gives me a hug and makes me laugh, I won’t be seeing you guys EVER again. Sorry if I got your hopes up and stuff. Hugs! Ali.”

Also? Am I missing something? I have NEVER run up to a guy, jumped on him and wrapped my legs around him. I do concede that a lot of it may have to do with my tendency to fall up or down stairs and over my own feet but still. It seems to be a Bachelor/Bachelorette signature move. Do they practice this?

So Kirk/Curt went home and I still haven’t figured out what the hell his name is. I guess, on the bright side, now I don’t have to. He went home for two reasons, his hair and the fact that Ali was terrified she was going to end up taxidermied or on the family dinner table. (Is that really 3 reasons?) And then his mother…would decorate her corpse with blue plastic flowers.

I can’t take much more, can we get on with Frank dumping her so we can get past the crying and pensive faces and aimless wandering/whining while a tv crew follows you around?


Your thoughts?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 14, 2010 10:23 PM

    I may have to resume my watching of the Bach so I can commiserate with you again. I’m normally a reality whore (watching Big Brother as I type). I just knew I couldn’t tolerate that much Ali.

  2. July 15, 2010 12:34 AM

    I’ve never watched this show- it seems so fake.

  3. July 15, 2010 12:58 AM

    I’ve never wanted to watch this show before. And now I do. F word! I always thought I was above trashy tv shows, but I’m not. Because this was like the best ad for The Bachelorette I’ve ever seen. I am watching that shit.

  4. July 15, 2010 9:23 AM

    I vowed not to watch. I lie to myself every season. Not to mention, I read all those spoilers up front just so I can watch the shit-show unfold.
    Anyway – the card from Ali to Chris L? Perfection! He’s too good for her. That Roberto, he’s spicy and hot, but she’s not in love with him, she’s in love with the idea of him.
    Look at me all serious about this damn show. GAH!

  5. July 15, 2010 5:57 PM

    Hey, I like your style! I nominated you for an award… come visit!

  6. July 15, 2010 7:56 PM

    I’ve been watching the Bachelorette all season and I can’t stand Ali but I totally developed the biggest crush on Chris. He just seems like such a sweet kid, but he needs better. And also time to heal, poor guy.

    Roberto is awesome and has the sweetest smile, but I can’t stand the way she pronounces his name. Rub-er-doh. And Frank needs to relax with the v-necks down to here. I don’t need to see his manboobs. Who am I forgetting? Oh, yea. Kirk/Kurt. That was all sorts of freaky when his father wanted to take Ali into the basement. Uhhh, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

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