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Friday Flip-Offs 7/16

July 15, 2010

Hooray for Friday! I’m doing flips over flip-offs. Really, I’m wallowing in a pool of my own sweat and thinking how soon I can get my booty back in the pool and contemplating all the outfits I can wear without a bra without knocking myself unconscious should I accidentally bounce or something…

I don’t think Gigi is flipping this week but you should visit Kludgy Mom because A. she’s awesome and B. there’s a linky to all the flippers which I am not smart enough to figure out how to get in my post.

A big flipparooni to Marie Claire and your “sex” article in which you told me pretending to stop your urine mid-stream is BAD for you, that kegels aren’t all they’re cracked up to be (did you know you can buy mini dumbbells to put in your vag to enhance your kegels? I don’t have these but thought I would share. Lemme know if you’ve tried them out.) ANYHOO so I was reading about which muscles you are SUPPOSED to flex and it said to flex your anus after you flex 2 other muscles I can’t seem to find, WHICH caused me to yell from the bathroom; “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLEX MY ANUS YOU COCKHOLSTER.” Which caused my hubs to wonder what the hell I was doing in the bathroom. Exactly.

Stupid laws-when J and I went shooting the other day I MERELY SUGGESTED we print out target sized pics of the faces of people we don’t like and he was all yeah, that’s premeditation and stuff. Really? I think it’s a healthy way to work out aggression. But since I am already hosed if his terrible space cow of an ex-wife day kicks it in any weird way because I keep posting on the internet that all I want for Christmas is a hitman (See? I just did it again?) perhaps my hubs has a point.

My chain and floral embellished tee that makes my boobs like fabulouso to the max-even more than normal-but the damn shirt is out to kill me. I bent over at the grocery store and almost strangled myself when the chain got stuck to the handle and then I tripped and the cart kept moving with my neck attached to it.

A middle finger to Blogher for being ever so helpful and pointing out that the conference is mere steps away from the flagship Saks store and, more importantly, their 8500 square foot shoe department. Must EVERYONE try to thwart me in my efforts to not buy any more shoes? (A for real kind of flip off to the conference guide what to wear section. I need GENUINE info on attire for parties and such, examples like sorority rush handbooks with pictures and stuff. I have a tendency to overdress. And, I mean, I don’t think my crown or boa is called for but I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE BECAUSE ALL YOU SAID WAS COMFY SHOES and that there would be a variety of clothing. Yeah, I gathered that on my own.)

Best Buy-I loathe you. WHY do you always refuse to call me when something comes in stock? And WHY do you never have shit in stock? It drives me insane that you won’t take my number and call me when the item I want comes in so I can come and PAY YOU CASH MONEY for it. Asshats. There are stores that call me when they get in clothes they think I MIGHT like and you can’t call me for a sure thing? Did you never get laid in high school and now you’re acting out?

JCrew-You also regularly piss me off. I hate your jaunty yet perky yet disdainful employees. AND THEN? I order a couple of sale dresses, which STILL aren’t cheap because you are very proud of your shit and TWO days later you send me an email offering me an extra 20% off sale. AND your sale stuff is non-returnable AND you don’t do price adjustments. Are you sending me coupons just to be a dickfungus?

The “MOM” that almost ran J and I off the road the other night while she was texting and driving. She kept her head down for a mile, swerved all over the a four lane road and stopped at a green light. And? She had a toddler in the car. Nice lady. I hope you end up in a bathtub with lethal jellyfish. Have you NOT seen Seven Pounds? That pretty much cured me of the texting and driving. (Random tidbit? Studies have shown that driving while tired is JUST as dangerous as driving drunk and that driving while texting is MORE dangerous.)

Everyone who told me I spelled ya’ll wrong. Chelsea Lately used it in a graphic the way spell it and I love her, so there.

What are your flips this week gang? I’m sure you’ve got some-heat makes people all angry-like, clearly. (Another random tidbit? Violent crimes go up when it’s hot, particularly in crowded areas.)

Make sure you stop by The Lady Bloggers Society-we are gearing up for our first real-life social/conference thing in Vegas in November-it’s going to be so awesome that it’s the awesomest. We’re still looking for a few sponsors and taking apps for speakers so lemme know if you want info. Registration IS open. Vegas+Me+Lady Bloggers=so much fun that you will of course pee yourself, after, maybe while, you learn cool stuff.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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32 Comments leave one →
  1. July 15, 2010 11:37 PM

    I will flip off the mom who allowed her daughter to call my younger daughter and invite her on a long road-trip to a faraway water park.

    How is that not an invitation that should have been extended mom to mom, before children were brought into the mix?

    Because . . . A three -hour road trip to a water park without me? Nope.

    And . . . Did I mention that my younger daughter is not a strong swimmer?

    So yeah, not even.

    But according to my younger daughter? I am the meanest mom in the whole world. And there is much tragic crying at my house. I am thwarting her dreams, apparently.

    Thanks, mom of daughter’s friend.

    Thanks a lot.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 16, 2010 10:57 AM

      THAT would make me mad.

  2. July 15, 2010 11:49 PM

    Okay, they’re all a hoot…meaning fantastic flipoffs…but the first one is AWESOME beyond awesome! I actually spit out beer reading that one – so thank you for the late evening laugh…I definitely needed it!

    Then, your embellished tee? It was a visual that also cracked me up…still laughing 🙂

    And Blogher? Now I’m jealous because at least you’re going. I’m still gonna try to make it to the Lady Bloggers Society conference in Vegas, but no guarantees. If I do go, I’m soooo hunting you down to meet you!

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 16, 2010 10:57 AM

      Yes! Please come! Would love to meet you-and I probably won’t be that hard to track down. 🙂

  3. July 16, 2010 12:25 AM

    I laughed, no, guffawed out loud at that first one. Redunkilarious. (My new word and it fits perfectly here.)

    And my husband shoots. He’s at the range all the time. We know this man, a father of one our girls’ friends. We’ve both always thought he was a little strange. My husband was at the range one day when this guy shows up next to him. He had targets of real bodies with the organs displayed. If that’s not sick, I don’t know what is!

    And I just said to my sister the other day when we were in JCrew, that the customers coming in to JCrew are now like the age of middle schoolers, they’re getting so young. And they all act like it’s their store and we have no right to be there. I’m freakin telling those youngsters to step off. JCrew was mine, long before they were out of diapers.

    I’ve only got one flip off this week, but it’s a big one: To query letters. Flip off. Whoever invented the concept is the bitch of the stratosphere.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 16, 2010 10:58 AM

      The body thing is gross and I LOVE your new word.
      Query letters deserve mulitple flips with sparklers on the end.

  4. July 16, 2010 12:27 AM

    You go grrl!

  5. July 16, 2010 1:01 AM

    Oh my goodness, I was just going to quick check my e-mail and go to bed, but had to read your post and I’m still laughing.

  6. July 16, 2010 1:11 AM

    If Gigi hands out awards for the best Flip offs this has got to be the winner. OMG I’m laughing so hard at the Kegel and the blogher things. ROFL! Awesome flip offs, girl!

  7. July 16, 2010 7:01 AM

    That saks store is pretty phenomenal, fyi. And I was just at an, um, themed party where the ‘goddess’ told us the same about kegels – AND had the dumbell thingys to help you exercise. Not sure about the anus, though. Not sure.

  8. July 16, 2010 8:19 AM

    omg. you had me laughing hysterically. I loved your kegel flip off. I was just asked if I was ok in here, my office, it was that good.

    Best Buy is the spawn of Satan. Just sayin.

    And where are the cops when people like the texting momma was driving. errrrr those kind really make me mad

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 16, 2010 10:59 AM

      Here it is still legal to text and drive though they are working on changing it…not quickly enough apparently.

  9. July 16, 2010 8:31 AM

    You had me snort laughing! Thanks for making my Friday bearable!

  10. July 16, 2010 9:07 AM

    You are hilarious. Sorry I’m taking a break from my regularly scheduled FFOs to mix it up with fri favs today. I’m also annoyed at marie claire, but for a totally different article about how sunscreen causes cancer. I think their goal is to confuse the crap out of people. Thanks for the laugh.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 16, 2010 11:00 AM

      They are the ones that confused me with their whole body must have vitamin D thing and must use sunscreen but sunscreen blocks the absorption of vitamin D-argh!

  11. Saranne Riccio permalink
    July 16, 2010 10:25 AM

    ROLMAO! Love the image of you and the T-shirt being taken over by the grocery cart! Hilarious! Smooches, have a great day!

  12. July 16, 2010 12:04 PM

    Great flips. Totally confused over the kegel thing too. You surely have an interesting way of calling people names!!!

    Have a great weekend!

  13. July 16, 2010 4:24 PM

    They are all awesome!! You know that you will have to go to the Saks Shoe Dept right??? How can you pass it up when they are right there?? If you can then you are a much better woman than me 😉

  14. July 16, 2010 6:10 PM

    Awesome woman. First, I love the words cockholster and dickfungus. Adding to my cuss repertoire, cause you can never have too many of those.

    I can picture being held hostage by your own shirt. I’m fairly certain that has happened to me on similar shirts. Isn’t it great to be mature and graceful now?

    I do love J. Crew but they are definitely proud of their crap. So is Hollister. Not that I can fit into anything @ HOllister anymore, nor do I “fit in” in that store. But still. I can hate on them.

  15. July 16, 2010 8:30 PM

    omg…the bathroom and the embellished t-shirt made me laughed so hard! Thank you for making my Friday night 100 times more interesting! I’m definitely hitting the RSS feed….toooo funny!

  16. July 16, 2010 8:38 PM

    That J Crew flip off got my blood boiling. A similar thing happened to me on July 4th with Royal Carribean. Booked a cruise a long time ago with a price guarantee….if it goes lower, I get the new price, so they say. Jump forward 3 months to July 4th when I am home sick, surfing the net. My inbox pops up with a sale flyer from RCCL. Well low and behold they emailed the sale flyer and it noted that my same cruise and cabin level is now over $800 cheaper total for my family. I quickly call my travel agent (cousin) and tell her and she tries to get my price guarantee. Apparently, this is for new travel plans only…..a loop in the price guarantee…can’t even rebook unless you have cancelled within 48 hours of this mailing. So I call the RCCL problem solver line and they confirm that this is the case. I attempted to stay calm; but she could not explain why they needed to “flip off” people that have already booked by emailing them this tidbit…..as I told her I did not solicit this info….it came to me! SO this is a flip off to RCCL! Thanks for letting me rant…

  17. July 17, 2010 12:06 PM

    ” the cart kept moving with my neck attached to it.” … I am flipping you off now for making me laugh out loud and making my son who was sleeping startle 😛

    lol VERY good flip offs! + following I am amused! 😀

    Visiting from my little space on the internet via GIGI @ kludgy mom.

  18. July 18, 2010 4:21 PM

    The J. Crew flip off was classic. AND SO ON THE HEAD. I mean, WTF? I can relate to too many of these!
    Soo happy to come across your site from Lady Bloggers. I’ve found a diamond in the rough. Amy, I’ll definitely be back for more from now on, girl!

  19. July 18, 2010 10:30 PM

    Clearly, the jaunty folk at J. Crew are taunting you. TAUNTING you, I say! Are you just going to sit there and LET them disrespect you like that? I’m pretty sure a hit man is called for.

    Really, nobody would think any less of you. Go ahead. Do it. You know you want to. 🙂

  20. July 18, 2010 11:02 PM

    I skipped this past Friday’s flip offs – I had too many to list and – well – I got busy chasing my dog! I had fun reading everyone’s comments!

  21. July 19, 2010 8:30 AM

    J Crew and I have moved on from each other.

    They messed with my mind to many times.

    Loved your ffo’s!

    and p.s., I love all the “bratchild” comments you leave, they crack me up!!!

  22. July 19, 2010 9:09 AM

    I’m so sorry… I really DON’T mean to laugh at the fact that you were nearly decipatated by a grocery cart because of jewelry attached to a shirt… but that has GOT to be one of the funniest stories (in a “thank-god-for-once-it-didn’t-happen-to-me kind of way). I heart your story-telling.

  23. July 19, 2010 10:33 AM

    OMG- you are just too funny! You have me in stitches!

  24. July 20, 2010 1:35 PM

    WWCHD? What would Chelsea Handler Do is the most important acronymn to live by in my opinion.

    You keep flippin’ girl.

  25. July 21, 2010 10:23 AM

    You are SO awesome, I LOVE this!

  26. July 21, 2010 10:32 AM

    you should never ever be penalized for doing anything chelsea does. it’s in the i love handler handbook.

  27. Allison C. permalink
    July 23, 2010 4:53 PM

    I have to frickin do kegels to keep from peeing on myself because I am LMAO while reading your posts.

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