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So the bachelorette needs an heir and a spare?

July 21, 2010

I’m sorry I’ve been a little mia on posting. I have been sleeping, working on The Lady Bloggers Society and trying to figure out my BlogHer wardrobe. (I still want a rush handbook type agenda with photos of appropriate attire for each day/party. I tend to overdress.) Seriously-I missed my thyroid pill for 5 days and since I don’t have a thyroid, that’s an issue. So yeah, I was sleeping about 10 hours a night and taking four-hour naps.

But anyhoo…on to the Bachelorette. Which was a joke. I don’t know how they can advertise things as dramatic when we’ve all known, thanks to their crafty previews, that Frank was dumping Ali.

And the whole break-up scene KILLED me! Ummm…how can you break up when you’re not in a committed relationship? It’s kindof like how you CAN’T be in a serious relationship if you’re married-and no, being separated doesn’t make it better. I don’t understand. And then teary-eyed Frank was lamenting that he gave up everything to be there? Ummm…okay, except for his girlfriend. Clearly.

(Since I am not a big cryer-this just further cements the fact that I could never be the Bachelorette. That and my refusal to participate in break-ups. And my belief that all exes should have to die or move. Their choice. I’m super generous like that. Although I once dated a guy that was a little older than me and when I told people he was dead-I didn’t explain he was dead TO ME-people thought he had died for real. I heard he wasn’t happy about that.)

And then Chris H. (maybe that’s why we call Chris L., well, Chris L.-so people don’t confuse him with the host?) has got to be the biggest DOUCHE on the planet. He knows all this crap is going down and he just sits there all smirky and omnipotent (and let’s face it-possibly impotent-while people cry and stuff.) He bothers me. 

Ali should quit crying for the camera. She’s NOT pretty when she cries. I mean, neither am I but I’m not doing it on tv.

And how is she so torn? Really? You still have TWO other choices-that are better than Frank anyhow.

And what? EVERYONE has to fall in love with you? You started out juggling multiple guys. You have “backups” out the wazoo. How is that any different than what Frank was doing? Except he was just juggling two women. And not on tv. I guess Ali feels like she needs an heir and a spare and all that.

And then the whole Fantasy Suite thing. That’s just not okay. Way to look whoreible on TV. As I’ve mentioned before-my parents would MURDER me if I was making out in hot tubs and having overnight dates with multiple guys. (I mean, Mom told me she didn’t like my flip-offs last week and my blog is WAY less public then TV. I think so anyways. It would be nice if it was MORE popular then reallity tv.) So then-does she sleep with each guy? Ewww… Remember Joe Millionaire? Anybody? When he was making out with the dreadful girl in the woods and they captioned it will Slurp, mmm, smoosh? Probably one of my fave reality moments ever-and not really related here but hey, I like to share.

And if I were Frank’s girlfriend? I’d be a little peeved that I got dragged into this whole show and then old Frankie was crying and distraught as he “broke up” with someone else. Cause here’s the thing-I guess my thought is if you are in love with someone you’re not going to be all that upset about breaking up with someone you’re not in love with.

Ali was obviously wearing false eyelashes-which makes me wonder if she has makeup people. And are they all, hey-you may get emotional today, let’s go with waterproof.

And the show pretty much concluded with MORE whining. Here’s a tip-when shit keeps happening TO you-maybe you’re the issue. I mean, I have all kinds of random crap happen but I fully accept it’s because I’m a spaz. I’ve never understood why people think being a victim is cute in any way.

But my FAVORITE thing had to be the rose ceremony. So since you got dumped, you’re down to 2 roses and 2 men. This is a no-brainer. But the BEST part was Chris H. walking out and saying well, Frank’s not here. Seriously? We couldn’t tell.

I explained last night on our weekly webisode of Southern Fried Snark about why I like “bad” tv. I don’t want to watch depressing things like Law and Order: where children and good people die. There’s enough real bad things in the world that I don’t find it entertaining. I like funny and silly and yes, stupid, at times. I mean, I even watch the Kardashians. I drew the line at Jersey Shore-couldn’t take it.

 I do, however, love Jersey Couture-despite it not being couture. The girls are actually funny and Kim and I have lots of the same clothes from White House Black Market.  But last night they showed a girl buy a $2700 prom dress? W0ow. That’s insane. And almost as much as my first wedding dress.

Anyhoo-today I decided that I was positively gob-smacked that with the amount of channels and reality tv shows out there, that I don’t have one. Really? What the hell. So I’m thinking of doing stand-up comedy. Should be interesting. Okay. I have to go google and find out if we even HAVE stand-up in Alabama. Watch out Kathy Griffin-I’m coming.

Oh, so my NEW plan is to post here on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ll be posting at Southern Fried Snark on Tuesday, Thursday and either Saturday or Sunday (SFS is LIVE on the web Tuesday nights at 9 pm central-check it out.) I’ll also be over at The Lady Bloggers and always taking part in their Saturday Tea Party.

Internets-I’m taking over.

Anyone else have a plan for world domination? Just me?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. Gwen permalink
    July 21, 2010 9:52 AM

    If you like Jersey Couture you need to check out Jerseylicous. Brainless fun!

    • July 23, 2010 5:44 PM

      I agree-Jerseylicious and Jersey Couture-Wickedly fun!!!!
      Heck I love the Jersey Housewives…

  2. July 21, 2010 1:23 PM

    Love it!

  3. July 21, 2010 1:49 PM

    Ok. I know there are lots of reasons to love you but I just found another.

    You watched Joe Millionaire too. Classic reality moment.

    Please, please tell me you watched the original Paradise Hotel. Please!!!!

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 21, 2010 2:54 PM

      I hate to let you down but I didn’t. I DID watch Temptation Island however.

  4. July 21, 2010 2:47 PM

    You are a blog QUEEN. Seriously! And the blog world is a better place with you all over it. I don’t know anything about bachelors or bachelorettes, so I can’t comment.

    I can say I love White House Black Market. And here’s what I love the best about it: if you fall asleep in your White House Black Market clothes, you wake up unruffled, looking as if you did NOT sleep in your White House Black Market clothes. Comes in handy, sometimes.

  5. July 21, 2010 3:42 PM

    I watched the first couple episodes of the Bachelor and then decided enough is enough. How pathetic they all are! Yes, sometimes very entertaining, but PATHETIC! I mean really! Get a grip people. Oh, Temptation Island. I remember that one too. What ever happened to that one?

  6. July 21, 2010 5:34 PM

    nailed the recap of Ali and Frank – especially his girlfriend. “Reality ” t.v. – can’t get enough!
    I watched Joe Millionaire. And Temptation Island. Mmmm. Brain cocaine.

  7. July 21, 2010 11:12 PM

    I totally don’t watch the Bachelorette, but I love reality shows. And, yes, if they can have one, so the hell can you.

    Loved the Joe Millionaire throwback. We need more captions like that!

  8. July 22, 2010 4:54 AM

    joe millionare was a fantastic show! so real life and realistic. haha!

  9. July 22, 2010 12:48 PM

    You said ‘whoreible’! Ha!

    Loves me some bad reality tv. Joe Millionaire was impossible to look away from, even as whoreifying as it was. See what I did there? I learned that from you!

    Also, I know! I thought I had a poor self-esteem before I started watching shows like this. Ali’s must be the lowest of anyone I’ve ever heard of! She is THE BACHELORETTE with men punching and tripping all over each other to get to be with her, and she’s still all, “I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me….” wahhh waaaah waaah. Are you KIDDING me?? Seriously, girl. Find your inner fabulousness and embrace it. OWN it. It’s gotta be up there in that crazy weave of yours somewhere.

  10. July 22, 2010 6:11 PM

    nothing wrong with plans for world domination…

    has anyone ever told you like a multitude of times that you could pass for jen lancaster?? like…exactly….jen lancaster?

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 22, 2010 9:40 PM

      I LOVE YOU! Seriously, I first found out about her book because a friend called me and was all hey-did you write a book under a different name with a fake picture and change details about you? I’m working on a post about how if I ever get divorced, it is her fault.

  11. July 24, 2010 7:04 AM

    OMG- Amy, you are hilarious!!!!! What an awesome take on reality TV and especially Ali’s “adventures”! I completely agree that I enjoy mind numbing reality TV over serious/sad programming. It’s amazing how unreal reality TV is. You are totally correct that Ali has make-up people (and hair people too). Remember the previous bachelorette Trista? If you’ve ever seen her since her round on the Bachelorette she looks quite different- the make-up & hair teams really go to town on the show. Trista’s still pretty, but now without her make-up & coiffing teams and self tanner (which I totally love) she looks very different. Wonder what Ali will look like in a year?

  12. September 23, 2011 12:08 AM

    I love your tag “attention whore” 🙂 I used to love the Bachelorette, but I got sick of it when it seemed like they just were playing games for the camera.

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