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Why I DIDN’T make a video for Project Mom: be glad

July 28, 2010

Again, this is not about porn. I maybe should make just that a sub-header title thing here since most people come here after googling spanx porn. For the umpteenth time, ewww…and no. Really? There is no way it can be hot to get it on while wearing spandex from nipples to knees.

Anyways-thank you ALL for the awesome feedback on the Project Mom post. The awesome Glamamom actually said she wished I would have made a video as mine was one of the best submissions. Did I pay her? No. Do I want to cover her in sparkles? Totally. 

I did NOT make a video because, despite, hopefully anyways, appearances to the contrary I am a bit of a tech idiot. If I didn’t have a super talented, slave labor person, commonly known as my sister-I would not have fab graphics. And for those that asked about my button and the texty html box that may or may not be illegal? Yeah, Shell did that for me.

Within hours of having my first blackberry, I also had my first blackident. I tripped over a curb while working it.

And after my near concussion when trying to take some sexy time lingerie shots on my own? No.

So we really CAN’T be surprised that I was a little reluctant to tempt fate, I mean guarantee I look like an eijit, by submitting a video. How do I know this?

My laptop came with a built-in webcam. Which I didn’t want. I could see NO good coming of this.

And? I was right.

When I was still in event management I was on some sort of web-based conference call. In my pj’s, makeupless, drinking a diet coke. I also may have briefly picked my nose, allegedly. I kept hearing people laughing and muttering things like, “look at her, she’s so crazy” but I ignored it because a. we were on the INTERNET which makes you invisible and b. people say shit like that ALL the time when I’m around. You learn to tune it out.

FINALLY, once they got bored laughing, a co-worker im’ed me to say, “Amy. Your webcam is on. We are all watching you. FYI.”

There may have been some shrieking and flinging of the laptop as I hollered for J to come immediately. Right now. Why did I need him? To turn off the webcam, dammit.

I didn’t even know my webcam was ON, I sure as hell didn’t know how to turn it OFF. And neither did he. There may have been some duct tape involved.

What did I learn? Webcams are the devil. And nobody looks cute when being filmed from a laptop. That up angle at which they shoot ages you and enhances your chins. Always more flattering to be shot from above. My fave photographer used to stand on a chair to take my pic. Don’t believe me? Try it out. I am so FULL of the helpful hints. Like Heloise. Except for real-life useable stuff.

So that’s WHY there was no video. And you’re welcome everyone for the visual.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. July 28, 2010 4:06 AM

    Amy,

    Your blog is absolutely fabulous. I’ve been wondering about something you said…was it about a “reality show” of some sort? And, I’ve wondered if it’s something Oprah is doing with her new TV channel which I read, yesterday, she hasn’t filled with shows yet. Good luck and keep up the great work!

  2. QuiQui permalink
    July 28, 2010 4:06 AM

    I just want to be covered in sparkles and throw my webcam out the door. It collects dust anyway. IJS

  3. July 28, 2010 8:04 AM

    Webcams do suck. That’s why my video took 20 takes. And I still look ancient and haggard.

    I’m sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I’m almost 42.

    Damn webcam.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 29, 2010 10:40 AM

      You look awesome, webcams were just obviously invented by hot young men that look good no matter what.

  4. July 28, 2010 8:29 AM

    That is hilarious. I’m afraid to post a video of myself as it would probably shatter the cam and everyones wildest thoughts of how cute and sexy I am. 🙂

  5. July 28, 2010 10:20 AM

    LMAO!!! Omg, I’m so sorry, but I’m stifling laughter because I share an office with two girls and they think I’m crazy enough as it is. But HOLY COW is this hysterical. I would have no idea how to turn it off either.

    I actually set up a Skype account recently because i figured this might be a fun way of communicating with family/friends I don’t get to see very often, to see how big the kids are now, what new hairstyles they’re styling, etc. Except that I tried out the webcam and nearly freaked out when I saw a bat-sh** crazy girl in giant glasses staring back at me. Then I realized it was me and decided never to show anyone my webcam face.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 29, 2010 10:41 AM

      I feel your pain, I often scare myself.

  6. July 28, 2010 11:23 AM

    I hate my webcam just like I hate that new freakin facechat crap on the iPhone. I wear my pajamas as much as possible. My hair looks electrified in its stay at home bed head state. I’ve got no cause to shine my beauty on a dang camera.

    Oh, and I am so going to try the chair thing.

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 29, 2010 10:39 AM

      You will love it-even getting people to stand when they take photos and hold the camera a little higher makes a HUGE difference.

  7. July 28, 2010 7:00 PM

    I need to pay Shell set my html textarea code because WordPress is being a bully and won’t let me do it. I can point fingers if someone else does it and it works, right?

    The first thing you should always do when buying a new computer is put a band-aide over the camera. I’m so paranoid that someone will watch me over the webcam while I update my blog and talk to my hamster. The LAST thing I want people to hear is, “You’re so cute! Look at those chubby cheek pouches…”

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 29, 2010 10:43 AM

      I just got a cute little pink plaid hp mini 210 and it’s so small I can’t figure out how to cover the webcam!

  8. July 28, 2010 7:21 PM

    I just gave you an award on my silly blog, if you want it!

    • amyblam permalink*
      July 29, 2010 10:43 AM

      Of course! I think I am going to do an award post soon!

  9. July 28, 2010 7:38 PM

    This is a hilarious post! I don’t have a web cam, and for the reasons stated, glad that I don’t. I don’t need any more focus on my circles and fine lines!!

  10. July 28, 2010 11:30 PM

    Yeah, you totally crack me up. I tried the vlog thing ONCE. Not sure it is happening again. Hidden away in my darkest archives.

  11. July 29, 2010 7:09 PM

    It’s all about the high angle photo.

  12. July 30, 2010 12:28 AM

    omg.. i tried that dang thing, and I looked like a cross eyed jay leno. no thanks. hilarious post!!

  13. July 31, 2010 9:52 PM

    found your site on del.icio.us today and really liked it.. i bookmarked it and will be back to check it out some more later

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