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NYC: 4. AmyBlam: 0. Seriously.

August 7, 2010

So my boot camp instructor has said upon occasion that I should be encased in bubble wrap. (Which would be kind of awesome since I love to pop it. But I guess that would defeat the purpose.) At a minimum, I should sport a helmet and knee pads at ALL times.

So Thursday, when Ronda and I arrived in NYC we got lost and ended up hiking around the airport. Outside. In flip-flops. Don’t even ask.

And many of you know that I am a fan of shoes, particularly heels. I am quite the heel walking professional so OF COURSE I was going to strut my stuff down the avenues of NYC in my sassy black and white one shoulder dress AND the highest pair of black heels I own.

Ummm…not so much. The universe had other plans.

We had left the super fun event put on by Crazi Beautiful where we got AWESOME gift bags with a Lisa Leonard bracelet, Nu Skin goodies and a full airbrush makeup system from Luminess.

So I was dragging that stuff PLUS my super itchy and heavy BlogHer bag AND my purse and the super high shoes.

Anyone have an idea were this is going? Let me give you a hint: NY sidewalks? Are very uneven and gratey and holey. (Not holy. Not even a little bit.)

I somehow managed to find the hole that was the exact size of my heel. And I went down. Faceplant on my knees on 7th Avenue. Bags flying. Poor Ronda thought I was dead. Some very nice people stopped and helped me gather my belongings. And didn’t even try to steal  my airbrush makeup.

And now? My scratched up knee is killing me and my right ankle only wants to turn one way and the bone in the bottom of my foot hurts. Nice.

Since walking wasn’t working out for me I decided to utilize a pedicart/rickshaw thing. Easy, right?

Wrong. I should know better.

Despite telling my English language challenged person my destination address eleventy times and even showing him the address on my droid, he still took me the completely opposite way through Hell’s Kitchen, to some boat called the Intrepid where I thought he had finally had enough and was going to drive me straight into the river. I can be difficult. 

At ONE point, I finally told him that if we were going to spend this much time together he needed to buy me dinner. And drinks. And maybe some crack. As well as a pocket translator from English to whatever his native language was. When he ignored me I asked him if he could at least hop out and get me some fried meat on a stick. I think he thought I was trying to pay him for sex.

 FINALLY when we were like 10 blocks PAST my destination, I pitched a hissy fit. And? Instead of listening and apologizing and rectifying the situation, he got all flustered and rammed the pedicab into a REAL big ass yellow cab.

I think I have whiplash. His little legs could go pretty fast. Even with me languishing in the back as I pretended to be a princess being paraded through the streets so my subjects could view me. (This really is ACTUALLY what goes on in my head. I’m a little shocked I wasn’t doing the Queen Elizabeth wave.)

So now my shoulders, knee and ankle are all fucked up. Current tally NYC: 2, AmyBlam: 0.

Last night Ronda and I went to see Wicked which was so beyond fantastic that I can’t even begin to say how fantastic it was. But I cried twice. And getting me to cry? NO easy feat. (A person behind us says it wasn’t so good. Really?)

As we are waiting in line for the bathrooms, which as normal there’s like 3 stalls and a hole in the ground. You know, the generally superb accommodating facilities that are common at places that seat 9 million people. With 89% being women.

Somehow I whacked my head on the aluminum light on the wall. It should have hurt, you know, since it was metal with sharp edges and stuff. But me? I am so used to head injuries, or there’s nothing left to injure anymore, it didn’t really bother me. Ronda said the best part was my facial expression. That I was just all Seriously?

I whacked my head AGAIN today on a giant flat screen on a stand. Barely fazed me.

I will say that when Ronda, bless her little back heart, wanted to jay-walk-I was all, “Are you insane? I’ll get hit by a bus.”

About 30 hours left in NYC, here’s hoping I don’t end up in a bodycast. Or dead. Dead would suck.

(Sitting in BlogHer Humor Writing session as I finish this up. The women are HILARIOUS. Lizz Winstead basically just said that no matter what you do you’re going to offend someone. She totally validated my ENTIRE existence. And Jessica Bern and Awesomely Luvvie have me practically crying as well. If I had a drink, it would be spewing out my nose.)

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

20 Comments leave one →
  1. snidbitsoftime permalink
    August 7, 2010 12:42 PM

    You are just too funny! I think you could run the humor writing session yourself! Enjoy the rest of your time there. Can’t wait to hear more!

  2. August 7, 2010 12:42 PM

    So I think that you should stay away from tall buildings, especially if someone happens to be hoisting a piano up to the tenth floor. Something could fall down and knock you in the noggin at any moment. I think that you should invest in a hardhat. I hear they come in pink, which might go well with a sassy black dress. It’ll draw the attention away from your scraped knee and broken heels.

    Is it rude to say that I hope there’s a part two to this post just so I can laugh some more? I mean that in the best way possible 🙂

  3. Pamela *Amy and Melissa's Mother Extraordinaire* permalink
    August 7, 2010 3:09 PM

    You just go from better to best. And I mean by that your humor. I just relayed to your Daddy that you had fallen and terribly hurt your sweet self (I haven’t gotten to the rickshaw or head injuries yet, he’ll be upset) when he calmly announced that it must be geneic and that I have fallen in every major city IN THE WORLD. I don’t remember ever falling in Paris, but….

  4. August 7, 2010 4:22 PM

    Ha! My first trip into NYC as an adult, and I wore heels, too. MISTAKE. Big one!

    Hope you return home in one piece. Without a body cast.

  5. Saranne Riccio permalink
    August 8, 2010 10:15 AM

    I know you’ve been to NYC before but I’m just going to tell you that NY’ers don’t actually wear their heels out walking around. You can always tell a local by their flat sensible foot wear. On the other hand the model hopefull’s are the one’s that hobble down the street,starving, dodging the cracks and crevices on their way to the closest agency so they can sit down. lol! Have fun!

  6. August 9, 2010 5:38 AM

    Even after only spending a few (awesome) hours with you this week, I KNOW that look that must’ve been on your face after smacking your head on the aluminum light and I literally snorted reading that line. NY kicked your ass. At least it made good blog fodder!

  7. August 9, 2010 5:38 AM

    Hi Amy,

    My friend Anne Marie (she was a fellow Alabamian) and I met you in the ecco lounge, your toes looked fab by way. I just had to stop by your blog and read your rickshaw story after you teased us with a few of the details. I just have to say, thanks for making my morning! So funny! Glad you had a great time at BlogHer and I thought Wicked was a kickass show as well! Happy travels–don’t get yourself killed!

    Liz Bessel

  8. August 9, 2010 5:39 AM

    Thanks for ruining my dreams of NYC in the best possible way! Seriously I’ve never been but am coming in a year or two – by which time hopefully I will have forgotten this post!

    Never mind, it was written brilliantly!

  9. August 9, 2010 9:10 AM

    Well this just ruins all delusions I had of NYC, that people walk around looking like Carrie Bradshaw and Samantha Jones in their fab heels.

    I agree with Dalia, you should’ve been leading the writing session, not attending!

  10. August 9, 2010 3:47 PM

    I’m so glad you’re still alive. Oh, the face plant! I was cringing for you, girl! And a car accident in a rickshaw? You take the freakin cake! I can’t wait to hear about your other adventures at BlogHer.

  11. August 9, 2010 6:08 PM

    You are HILARIOUS! The more I come over here and read, the more I love ya!

    “His little legs could go pretty fast” was my favorite line. I was laughing (with you, not at you) through the whole post. Because it sounds like exactly the same things that would happen to me!

  12. August 10, 2010 9:00 AM

    Laughing so hard! It’s comforting to know that there are other gals out there just a clumsy as I am. I get bruises and I don’t even know where they come from.
    Hope the rest of your trip is less painful!

  13. August 10, 2010 9:02 AM

    You are hilarious.

    See? This is why I’ve learned to rock the dress/kicks look. Okay, it’s not really a great look per se, but I’ve tried to make it appear somewhat fashionable. Careful of those NYC sidewalks, they are a DOOOOOZY (I have sacrificed many heels and have suffered from countless cuts and scrapes because of them)! Sounds like you are having a wonderful time though 🙂

  14. August 10, 2010 3:23 PM

    That sucks that you got hurt so much but cool that Blog Her was soooo amazing!!!

  15. August 11, 2010 1:04 AM

    I need to hear more!

    And Jessica bern? My one and only true love…the KINDEST woman possible.

    I’d give anything to meet her.

  16. August 11, 2010 4:23 PM

    Yeah…I feel for you. All my friends? Call me Grace.

  17. August 13, 2010 8:10 PM

    Meat on a stick – bwhahaha!

  18. April 21, 2011 2:01 AM

    bOS2N5 That’s way more clever than I was epxceintg. Thanks!


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