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Bratchild: Lurve Doctor

August 22, 2010

So when I picked up bratchild at school the other day I was greeted with this, in addition to the smiling/bouncing/waving I’m greeted with every day:

“Mom. Snoopy likes this guy Charlie and I am TOTALLY going to help make a love connection between them.”

Me, almost running over one of the 5th grade patrol students that is somehow qualified to tell me where I should stop my car despite him being unable to even see over a steering wheel: “Really? How are you going to do that?”

Bratchild: “By being their love doctor. I don’t think it will be hard and as long as she follows my directions she should be able to trap him into being her boyfriend.”

Me: “Okay, how are you the love doctor?”

Bratchild: “Mom. I have you. You have a blog. I read books all the time. We know everything.”

Me, totally pleased with myself: “Why yes, I guess we do.”

Bratchild: “So we haven’t started yet but at lunch Snoopy told me she’s positive that Charlie’s eyes twinkle when she enters a room. She also envisions him imagining her emerging from a pool wearing a red dress and taking down her ponytail.”

Me, as I almost veer off the road: “Didn’t Snoopy just get her hair cut?”

Bratchild: “MOM! Long hair is more romantic so in his head it’s all romantic and long.”

Me: “So in Snoopy’s head she thinks she has long hair in Charlie’s head?”

Bratchild: “Yes, so now I have to work on a plan so he sees her that way at school.”

Me: “Have you considered hair extensions? Never mind. Have you ever heard the term skinamax?”

Bratchild: “No, why?”

Me: “No reason. Is there a boy you like and that you think has twinkle eyes for you?”

Bratchild: “I am too young for a boyfriend. Besides, I have to concentrate on Snoopy. I don’t want my friend heartbroken and depressed if her true love doesn’t work out.”

Me: “Oh, well, as long as you have a healthy perspective on the whole thing. But you do realize that you can’t really fall in love until you’re a grown-up and that you should just have fun with your friends, right?”

Bratchild: “I know. You’re not a grown up until 30. That’s when you fell in love with J, right? And before I can get married or have kids I have to graduate from college, travel around the world, have a job I love and then meet a nice man.”

Me: “Yes. Thirty sounds like an excellent time to start dating. You can live at home until then. Let’s get ice cream.”

I’m curious to see how this all plays out. I am impressed with how, uh, imaginative they are. I feel like I should sit them all down and explain that the boy you want is the one you don’t HAVE to trap or trick but feel it could go as badly as the time I tried to explain to a bunch of 15-year-old girls that they have ALL the power and they shouldn’t change their hair or act a certain way because of a boy. Also that belly button rings are trashy.

 I also LOVE that the boys ask the girls to chase them on the playground. I must be old-what’s the fun is chasing someone who asked you to?

Besides all that, I’m also totally wondering if Snoopy’s parents watch lots of late night Skinamax, when they’re not watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High, that is. Perhaps they should put a bell around her neck?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. August 22, 2010 11:19 PM

    OMG so funny!

  2. August 23, 2010 9:51 AM

    LOL! I latched onto the Fast Times and Ridgemont High reference right along with you! Kids can be such a scream.

  3. Pamela *Amy and Melissa's Mother Extraordinaire* permalink
    August 23, 2010 11:58 AM

    One of your best, and yes this conversation did take place cause BratChild repeated it to me….

  4. mairzeebp permalink
    August 23, 2010 1:22 PM

    I LOVED this post. LOVED it.

  5. August 23, 2010 7:07 PM

    “i have you, you have a blog…”
    she’s a smart one, that bratchild 😉

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:09 PM

      I know, she totally gets it from me. 😉

      • Pamela *Amy and Melissa's Mother Extraordinaire* permalink
        August 26, 2010 8:37 PM

        and me, don’t forget where you learned your “wisdoms.”

  6. August 23, 2010 7:44 PM

    You had me at 5th grade patrol!

    And as the mom of 3 teenage girls, I did set them down and tell them they should never change who they are for a boy. The good ones will like them for who they are. I also told them belly button piercings were indeed skanky and tattoos are done with very big, dirty needles and underage drinking is for losers and here’s the big one, that boys will say just about anything to get what they want. No slam towards boys. I love boys. I love their energy, their lack of sassiness, but it’s a fact of life that hormones rule a teenage boy’s brain.

    Oh and yes, I showed them my stretch marks and told them, that is what happens when you have a baby and it will never, ever go away. They were horrified at the site of all that shriveled skin. So, I think we’re all set!

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:14 PM

      You are a wise, wise woman. And also funny. And one of my favorite bloggers.

  7. August 23, 2010 8:48 PM

    has the bratchild even seen fast times at ridgemont high?

    and isn’t snoopy a boy dog?

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:14 PM

      Oh no, she’s nine. So that she hasn’t seen.

  8. Miranda Jones permalink
    August 24, 2010 4:30 AM

    I love this post even more, now that I’ve actually met “Bratchild”. I honestly laughed out loud because I could just hear her making these plans. She’s going to be one successful lady if she remembers not to think about falling in love until 30 and that you can’t get into trouble at 12:30 because everyone is asleep by then 🙂 She is one awesome kid!

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:14 PM

      Thank you so much, I’m glad we got to see you!

  9. August 24, 2010 9:07 AM


    I am so scared to have teenagers. The child describing Snoopy coming out of the pool in a red dress and unleashing her flowing hair was about enough to send my 5 year old to convent school.

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:15 PM

      I have contemplated converting to Catholicism just to have that option.

  10. August 24, 2010 10:45 AM

    Well it most definitely sounds like she has her priorities in line.
    I’m thinking maybe Snoopy’s parents should be monitoring what she’s watching on television though.

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:16 PM

      Yes. Or making sure she’s asleep before they watch whatever it is they are watching.

  11. August 25, 2010 4:13 PM

    So all it takes is having a love doctor? Man, the eff–I’ve been going about it wrong all these years :p This post was hysterical and your daughter sounds like a total hoot.

    • amyblam permalink*
      August 25, 2010 9:17 PM

      Who knew it would be so easy if you just had a love doctor. I can’t believe there aren’t “life coaches” who call themselves that.

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