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Friday Flip-Offs 8/27 I’m baaaaAack

August 26, 2010

So I’m back. I, sadly, missed Friday Flip-Offs because I was in NYC for BlogHer and then I was counting votes in Auburn during sorority rush and then…well, shitfire I don’t know WHAT I was doing last Friday.

Anyways, welcome back! And, please, go visit Gigi at Kludgy Mom to visit the other flippers.

Yes, I’m still a dumbass who can’t insert the linky thing correctly so nothing much has changed around here.

This week I’m flipping off…

Underwear without pee holes. You know what? I thoroughly enjoy being able to pee without having to take off any clothing. It’s my new favorite thing. And now that Spanx is making high-waisted slimming leggings with a pee hole? I may never again drop my drawers to use the restroom, well for number 1 anyways. That would be, uh, messy for number 2. (Also when wearing high-waisted Spanx with a fitted, back zip cocktail dress that’s complicated, please make sure your Spanx do, in fact, HAVE a pee hole. Drinking lots of water and wine at a fancy fundraiser and realizing you have rendered yourself unable to use the bathroom? Problematic.)

Huntsville City Schools. As instructed, I have been waiting for you to call me between the hours of 7 and 8:30 so that I may share my opinion on school uniforms. You never called. So here it is, I get that there are benefits but the BOTTOM line is, as long as my child is not dressed in a manner that is offensive or indecent for an educational setting, the government DOES NOT have the right to dictate how I dress her. Period. (And blah, blah, blah. Yes it makes everyone the “same.” Well you know what? People aren’t the same and instead of emphasizing conformity how about we learn to celebrate and deal with differences?)

1-800-Flowers/Cheryl & Co. Oh my dear god, f you and your delicious buttercream frosted cookies that taste EXACTLY how my grammy’s used to before she got old and cranky and started “accidentally” putting rat poison in hers. At the SocialLuxe party we got $40 gift cards that could be used at those above companies and I used mine to purchase 36 of those cookies. They’re THAT good.

Two ginormous middle fingers covered with sparklers and bullets and dog poo to J’s ex-wife. Seriously. Because of your refusal to claim alimony on your taxes, we are ONCE AGAIN, having to jump through hoops and provide divorce decrees and cancelled checks to the IRS. We know you know better, you claimed the money one year. ONE DAY the IRS will realize that you have not claimed $36,000 in income  over the past several years and I swear to waffles when they slap you with a bill for that I will have a champagne party in your lawn. In my highest heels. While flaunting my youth and cuteness  and perky boobs and shooting guns in the air to scare your horses. (Anyone actually KNOW anything about taxes and the IRS? Do they eventually make people, other than Wesley Snipes, cough up cash for back taxes?)

F you IRS, for not realizing that, once again, we are NOT the problem. (I mean, I do realize that in other non-IRS or government issues I normally AM the problem. But not in this case. I can see where it would get confusing.)

F you to the legal system for insisting J still pay alimony to this remarried biatch with whom he had no children while there are children and parents out there who NEED and DESERVE child support and are unable to get it…because you’re too busy screwing around making sure grown ass woman with jobs and husbands keep getting alimony.

And a big old bouncy hairy middle finger to all of these things which pissed me off to the point that I had the overwhelming urge to run. I hate to run. I hate to sweat. But today If I did not get that out of me I was going to turn into the chick from Fried Green Tomatoes and start ramming my car into things/people/girl scouts. I have NEVER in my life felt compelled to run and today I did…was the weirdest thing EVER. That was valuable blog reading time, gosh damned it.

Oh, and I forgot, a snazzy pink and green middle finger goes to the Lilly Pulitzer web servers who’s inability to handle a ginormous sale caused the site to frequently crash, kick everyone off of it, cancel orders, not allow orders to be placed and removed things from shopping bags. I spent 5 hours last Tuesday on their website. There may have been tears of frustration. And cursing. And a Facebook mob may have formed with torches and pitchforks and gone off to storm the Pink Palace. It’s a good thing I have lots of time on my hands. (LP themselves were wonderful and sent me TWO free makeup bags and a free pair of spaghetti strap mckims.)

So what’s hacked you off this week?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. August 26, 2010 10:16 PM

    Whew! You had a lot to flip off girl! And I love how you describe the fingers (and in some cases poo) doing the flip offs!

    Pee holes, huh? This is new news to me! I’ll have to check ’em out…

  2. August 26, 2010 10:17 PM

    Wow. You’re a bit backed up with the flip offs it appears. The pee hole thing is hysterical. And why not? Would sure make life easier. Not sure what to tell you about adult acne. So wrong on so many levels.

  3. August 27, 2010 12:53 AM

    Pee holes would be great! Those cookies are sooo good. I want to flip them off too 😉 Um, I’m an ex and I DON’T get alimony- what gives? LOL

    Enjoy your weekend

  4. August 27, 2010 7:57 AM

    Hahaha! I love your flip-offs! J’s ex sounds like a seriously horrid woman! Re-married should equal no more alimony!

  5. August 27, 2010 8:31 AM

    As someone who practiced divorce law for a couple years early in my short-lived legal career, I find it EXTREMELY unusual for a woman to be granted continuing spousal support after she is remarried and if she has a decent paying job. That doesn’t make sense. Has a petition been brought to modify the spousal support decree? I can’t imagine that a judge would allow that to continue unless there were really extenuating circumstances.

    I am not convinced of the pee hole thing. What about drippage?

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 7, 2010 5:57 PM

      Yep, we’ve been fighting it in court for THREE years. He got screwed because when she finally agreed to divorce him since she’d found another wallet, I mean husband, he was in Iraq. In FL they have something called rehabilitative alimony which is what she was awarded. It’s for a set time and doesn’t necessarily end upon remarriage. Since she was already dating her now hubs-she had it done that way on purpose. It was supposed to be for education-despite her already having a masters degree-but it’s been 4 years and $40K and she just now started taking classes. It ends either way in November of 2011 but we’d LOVE to end it earlier and recoup some of the $$$.
      It’s ridiculous and makes me insanely mad.

  6. August 27, 2010 9:21 AM

    Wha? Alimony when she’s remarried? That’s ridonkulous. She deserves flipping off, for sure.

  7. August 27, 2010 10:25 AM

    I wished that the Spanx that I wore with my wedding dress had a pee hole. Alas it did not. And hence I almost dropped my train in the toilet three times.

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 7, 2010 5:54 PM

      I was trying to comment the other day to tell you how beautiful your dress was but stupid internets were plotting against me.Yes, a peehole is way helpful-especially in big/long dresses.

  8. August 30, 2010 3:09 PM

    I love your flips, Amy.

    They have underwear with peeholes? Wow, I need to crawl out from under this rock more often. That sounds amazing!

    Oy. Sorry to hear about the ex-wife drama. Definitely does not sound fun at all. I can understand if she has children, but she doesn’t and is now remarried? The eff? That’s messed up.

  9. August 30, 2010 7:49 PM

    i read this in e-mail.
    and read again.
    and laughed like 18 times.

    that’s a lot of middle-finger-flippin and i LOVE it!

  10. mairzeebp permalink
    September 1, 2010 12:37 AM

    LOVED this post. Let me know when the champagne party occurs. I’ll pack my highest heals, don my cape and tiara, buy a plane ticket and come out and party like a rockstar with you on her lawn while papering her home with blank W2’s.

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 7, 2010 5:51 PM

      I think it sounds like the most fun EVER!

  11. September 3, 2010 12:24 PM

    You have guts to use that peehole, girl. I’m afraid there will be, as one commenter put it, DRIPPAGE, so even though it’s there, I ignore it!

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 7, 2010 5:50 PM

      Oh lord, it’s made my life SO much easier. I haven’t had any drippage issues-sometimes you just have to sit a little awkward.

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