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Whoops, that was awkward…and mildly mortifying

September 9, 2010

So I’m back from a month gallivanting around the world. It seems that way but really it was just NYC for BlogHer, Auburn for rush and New Orleans for Labor Day weekend.

I did gain 6 lbs when we were in NOLA as I ate everything that was fried and/or covered in sugar. The sweating and insane amount of walking was powerless against fried fat drizzled with cellulite topped with bat wing arms. Sexy, no?

So part of this post is funny and part is not-and verging on gross. But you need the gross to understand the funny which MAY NOT be funny if you’re horrified by me vaguely referencing my sex life.

You’ve been warned.

So, some of you know I have an INSANE stomach. As a child I had severe food allergies that led to hospitalization and me only being allowed to eat like 3 things for a long time. As I got older I outgrew them and could manage it with what I ate…or didn’t eat.

When I was pregnant my innards totally rebelled against me. I had heartburn for the first time ever and spent an insane amount of time going no. 2. (I did warn you part was gross.)

I actually told J that the reason I could no longer wear overalls was because I was traumatized during my pregnancy when I ALMOST couldn’t get them off and almost had a very messy accident. All he got out of the tale was that I had at some point in time worn overalls-which he thought was hilarious.

So I birthed a 10 lb baby by c-section and my stomach has never been the same. One doc thinks I have Crohn’s, the other ulcerative colitis and I am frequently tested for random diseases. I often am in LOTS of pain.

ANYHOO (this is where it gets funny…or terrifying if you can’t handle sex talk.)

So Friday we stopped for lunch at the 15th Street Diner in Tuscaloosa which is the bomb. We had this exchange:

Bratchild: “Mom. Was your stomach really bothering you last night? I heard you moaning.”

Me: “I thought you were asleep-I came in and checked on you.”

Bratchild: “Oh no, I was pretending to be asleep.”

Me: “Oh well, yes then. My stomach was really hurting. I had closed the door so I wouldn’t wake you up-sorry about that.”

J (at the same time.): “Oh-I was rubbing mom’s feet, you know how they hurt because she wears stupid shoes.”

Bratchild: “Well, next time tell her to be quiet.”

So IN CASE you couldn’t figure it out, the previous night J and I were having alone time with the door closed because we thought bratchild was asleep; I didn’t know she sometimes faked it.

I was mortified. I don’t know if J was mortified or amused by MY mortification. I’m contemplating earplugs for the kid. And I probably shouldn’t be quite so mortified except for the fact that I know ONE DAY, when she’s like 40 hopefully, she will figure out what was going on.

Has this ever happened to any of you?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

26 Comments leave one →
  1. September 9, 2010 2:36 PM

    Hilarious!! Yes it has happened over the years….always mortifying….but we all ignore it:) This seems to work!

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:40 PM

      I was just shocked!

  2. September 9, 2010 2:36 PM

    hahahaha, heheheehehe, snort. omg, at least she bought it. right?

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:41 PM

      Totally bought it.

  3. September 9, 2010 6:01 PM

    We have not had this fun experience yet. Oy. It’s coming, ’cause Boy Wonder is 7.

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:42 PM

      Ummm…get ready.

  4. September 9, 2010 6:09 PM

    She’s totally not going to figure it out until she’s 40 :p LMAO!!! That is hysterical. And I love that your husband chimed in to say that he was rubbing your feet, is that supposed to work for an upset stomach? I had no idea! 🙂 Great post!

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:42 PM

      Well, she already believes you have to be 30 to get married.

  5. September 9, 2010 6:11 PM

    What just happened to my comment? Either you’re going to get two and they’ll be similar or this is the only one that will go through. I hate when that happens!

    Anyway, this post is hysterical. Also, I had no idea that rubbing feet is supposed to help an upset stomach. Who knew? :p

  6. September 9, 2010 7:06 PM

    So funny.

    We had to put of one of our girls in a big girl bed at 18 months because she was jumping out of her crib. Big girl beds are too big for 18 month olds. We learned that. One night, in the midst of fun, I turned my head to see my 18 month old standing on the side of our bed just watching. I freaked. She just said something about mamma and dada clappy clapping. No idea. She didn’t seem too fazed and she’s now 16 and blessedly doesn’t seem to remember or have any post traumatic stress disorder. So, all good.

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:43 PM

      Clapping? Love it.

  7. September 9, 2010 7:36 PM

    We got caught having sex in our bedroom walk in closet. Thankfully I was in a skirt and hubby was able to fake it off as undressing to change clothes though he had to keep his back to our son.

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:43 PM

      hahahahahaha…that’s hilarious! Maybe I need a walk in closet?

  8. September 9, 2010 7:59 PM

    she’s learning the art of faking quite early, this one…

  9. September 9, 2010 8:02 PM

    oh, and, i know you’ve flipped off on fridays in the past. also know you’re busy – but – gigi is also busy so i’m hosting this week. please join me. :p

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 9, 2010 10:21 PM

      I’ve got them scheduled for the morning!

  10. September 9, 2010 11:17 PM

    Amy, that is HILARIOUS! Well, the part about your kid hearing “alone time.” Not the stomach issues. I’m very sorry to read and understand completely. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at 5 years old (extremely rare in children) and have had bouts with it on and off ever since. A colonoscopy, while scary, really isn’t and can give a very accurate picture of what’s going on. I take a super mild med with no side effects (well, at least I think no side effects 😉 to control it. Luckily I had no issues while pregnant. Good luck but stay on that!! You don’t have to suffer.

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:45 PM

      I’ve had a colonoscopy and the scope down your throat, I can’t remember what it’s called? They can’t find anything definitive 😦 The meds I’ve tried make me super sleepy but we’re still trying!

      • September 14, 2010 5:38 PM

        An endoscopy. Wow, I can’t believe they didn’t find anything conclusive. I saw a picture of my colon and it was covered in ulcers. So gross but that told us what it was and now it’s all healed up pink and pretty haaha. I guess IBS? I’m so sorry hon. You’re not alone and you just have to figure out ways to manage it (i.e. diet and keeping your stress level down…as if!)

  11. Tanya permalink
    September 10, 2010 4:17 AM

    Hilarious! Hasn’t happened to us, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time!

  12. September 10, 2010 9:27 AM

    My 6 year old step daughter walked in on her dad and I. And we didn’t really notice til she asked what we were doing. We stubled and said “uh, um, hmm, uh,” a lot until she said… ” haha, I know what you were doing… you guys were kicking eachother.”

    “yeah, that’s what we were doing.”

    (we bought a better lock for the door that day.)

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:52 PM

      Kicking each other is hilarious as well!

  13. September 10, 2010 7:48 PM

    Oh boy. I’m very afraid of the day Tori notices our alone time. I’m hoping it will be a long time yet. At least you covered it somewhat well…

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:54 PM

      She really had no idea-I just hope she and her friends don’t trade stories like my mom was moaning and I couldn’t sleep or I found my parents “dancing.”

  14. September 12, 2010 1:32 PM

    That’s too funny!!! We’ve never been caught yet but have had a few near misses!!!

    • amyblam permalink*
      September 12, 2010 9:54 PM

      I’d get ready, unfortunately!

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