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Pizza, I think I’ll miss you most of all *sob*

September 27, 2010

Ummm…this may be mildly, very mildly disgusting, at one or two points in time. If you’re a regular reader, you’re aware that grossness, as well as curse words, happen upon occasion. They actually happen here FAR less than in real life.

Anyhoo-so I’ve been in and out of blog land because I’ve been dizzy, seeing spots, expelling everything I put in my body immediately (See? VERY mild grossness) and generally feeling like ass.

 Sadly, it’s not a result of an extended college game day where you tailgate, ie drink all day, sneak Jim Beam into the football game, head to a frat band party that night where you drink some more and, allegedly, dance on a cooler and chip your tooth on a beer bottle-while trying to steal a skirt made out of ties from the lead singer of Mel & The Party Hats.

I am also NOT a drug addict despite the bruises on my inner arms from needles. Let’s face it-I’m a wuss and scared of needles and way too lazy to try to use drugs. Plus, that’s money that could be well spent on shoes. Stupid blood work.

On the plus side, I’m NOT pregnant despite everyone wanting to test me for that. Although I was a little concerned when I got this in the mail from Costco yesterday. Do they know something I don’t?

First, we don’t even belong to Costco. Second, I just had the blood test on Tuesday! Jesus, their marketers are on top of things. And shit, seriously? I’m having twins? Well, from a glass half full standpoint at least only one of them will burst out sporting an IUD as a nose ring.

I digress. So while I am still having another endoscopy and bowel biopsy-the fun NEVER stops here-my docs have consulted and agreed the best way to make me miserable, I mean to make me feel better, would be for me to eat gluten-free.

Apparently, I ate this way as a small child after I was hospitalized for two weeks because of my stomach and allowed five food items for several years. (Still. My parents wonder why I’m picky. Hmmm…if 78% of food you ate made you ill, I imagine you would be too.) So at two years old I was WAY ahead of the trend and mom was cooking with special non-wheat flours and stuff.

J helpfully bought Gluten Free for Dummies and I asked him to read and summarize since I was fearful reading it would depress me and cause me to rock in a corner while downing loaves of Sunbeam King Thin bread aka the worst bread, least nutritional, on the planet. (I do love the way it squishes into a little bread ball. Anyhoo…)

I was correct in my assumption that great sadness would ensue when I realized that things I love, like pizza and cheeseburgers, are encased in gluten. Apparently, DQ blizzards are out as they contain gluten.

Beer also contains gluten. And I can’t help it, there are few things I really love more than an ice-cold beer. Well, there’s champagne but that’s rather cost prohibitive. I don’t even drink beer more than 2-3 times a month but knowing I can’t have it? Makes me want to hop out and do a keg stand rightnowthisverysecond (not wearing a skirt. You youngsters reading this? NEVER do a keg stand in a skirt. Really.) My dad did inform J that the next time he heard about/saw me drinking a beer he would beat HIM with a crowbar.

On the plus side, I will lose weight BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING I LIKE and will perhaps, hopefully, quit having an intimate relationship with half of the toilets in town. I’m such a toilet whore. I even have kinds I prefer more than others. (No black seats, no automatic flushing and no single toilet restrooms where people congregate outside and discuss whether someone is dying in there. The answer is yes, fyi.)

I think our restaurant choices will be VERY limited. We already had to nix Outback awhile ago. They must fry everything, including lettuce, in gluten as I throw up all night anytime we eat there. After about the sixth time, it occurred to me that perhaps we just shouldn’t eat there-I’m not a total idiot.

Yesterday my mom and sister went to a baby shower and came home eating petits fours from Peggy Ann Bakery-one of my MOST favoritest fucking things EVER. As I was whining that they didn’t bring me any-my dad and I had this convo:

Dad: “What are petit fours made of?”

Me: “Ummm…cake?” (My sister was snort-laughing)

Dad: “What’s cake made out of?”

Me: “Ummm…” (I drew a blank. I’ve only ever made a cake from a box.)

Dad: “Flour.”

Mom: “Flour comes from wheat, honey.”

SO NO PETITS FOURS EVER AGAIN?!? Or pizza, or cheeseburgers or fried shrimp or schnitzel…sigh.

And I get that there are gluten-free options at stores. But have you checked the prices of them? See above drug/shoe reference. Bratchild and I went to the grocery store today and left with rice cakes, diet caffeine free coke, chicken and rice soup and red wine.

I DID happen upon a gluten-free beer that was made out of sorghum. And that grossed me out. All I know about sorghum is our local botanical garden does a sorghum maze in the fall and it’s dirty, smells weird and has bugs and horrid little children running around in it. I don’t want bug and horrid child funk in my mouth. Ewww.

And of you lovely folks done the gluten-free thing? Have you starved to death yet?

 © Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

22 Comments leave one →
  1. September 27, 2010 6:36 AM

    This totally sucks! But just think how much better you will feel. Yes, I know, feeling better and enjoying your food don’t really go together, do they? But maybe you’ll find other loves…

  2. September 27, 2010 7:03 AM

    My Condolences…..but hopefully this will put an end to your misery. I happened to spy an entire section of gluten free foods in the grocery store last week; in addition, so many foods are labeled gluten free now! Hopefully your system will respond well and then you will not mind being GF as you will feel fantastic!!! Best of luck on your new venture.

  3. September 27, 2010 7:33 AM

    OH NO!!! Poor you-seriously!!
    But all is not lost, I promise. I have a blog that I love, love, love and she has uber yummy recipes a ton of which are gluten free. As I read this I remebered one in particular I think you should try out,
    here is the link

    That’s right…PIZZA!!!!! If you try it, make sure to rice cut (shred) the cauliflower and squeeze a bunch of the water out, it will help the crust stay together better. It is way yummier than it sounds!!!
    Good luck-

  4. September 27, 2010 7:37 AM

    Uh oh, hope you checked that soup. Even chicken broth has gluten.

    My sister has celiac disease, so I’ve learned to cook and think gluten-free when I need to. I suggest you invest in corn tortillas as a bread substitute. Also, prepare to become a foodie. She used to be able to eat junk, but now when her doctors ask her to “break” her diet, she has to spend a lot of money to find anything worth eating.

    Lastly, the chocolate gluten-free cupcakes at Whole Foods are amazing. However, I only take a small bite because they’re also loaded with fat and sugar.

  5. Jenny permalink
    September 27, 2010 8:25 AM

    Amy, when you go out to eat – especially at chain restaurants, ask for the gluten free menu. I know even Outback has one – also they’re super serious about how they handle the food when they cook “special needs”. Harhar! I am so sorry to hear about this though. I know that must truly suck :(. Another thing I have been doing, although not gluten free is reading “women, food and God”. Some interesting ideas that may help in this situation too! Good luck!

  6. September 27, 2010 8:34 AM

    omg, I squish my bread into balls too. For some reason it just tastes so much better.

  7. September 27, 2010 9:47 AM

    You poor thing. I had a friend whose mom can’t have gluten and it seems to be a struggle. No fun.

  8. September 27, 2010 12:35 PM

    Awww, AmyBlam Girl, I am so sorry. I would have to go through some grief counseling, if I had to give up pizza. I know in this day and age of foodyism, you will probably be able to find some delicious alternatives.

    Keep your spirits up. And feel better.

  9. September 27, 2010 1:46 PM

    What’s there left to eat? I’m sad for you! How about wine? You must be able to enjoy some alcoholic beverage that won’t break the bank. I too hate single toilet seat public restrooms. Who invented this? They should be fired.

  10. September 27, 2010 3:41 PM

    oh no. You poor thing. My friend’s daughter has celiac’s, so she has become quite versed in the whole gluten free thing. I remember her doing an FB post about how excited she was that a local pizzeria just started offering gluten free pizza. But as seems to be the case with these specialty foods, it was expensive.
    Good luck girl!

  11. September 27, 2010 3:42 PM

    black toilet seats are deceiving . they look clean only because you can’t see anything on them. i’m with you on this one.

    and i’m not gluten-free but i’m vegan. which is also depressing in its on way.

    we can cry over the loss of pizza together. i’ll just drink the beer for you.

  12. September 27, 2010 5:19 PM

    I was told just under a year ago that I had candida (yeast overgrowth) and had to go on a yeast-free diet. No gluten. No sugar. It was the end of my love affair with food. For 6 weeks. And I did lose weight. And then I let little things back in until now I have the infection again and have to cut it all out again. I’m a big girl. I love to eat. Cutting out gluten alone is frustrating. I hope that it is easier for you than it has been for me. Check out I love her site and recipes.

  13. September 27, 2010 5:19 PM

    Also, Quinoa pasta is a great alternative. That is what we use at home. We’ve tried the macaroni noodles, shells, spaghetti and pagodas and all are good.

  14. September 27, 2010 8:29 PM

    My trainer informed me that as a blonde-haired tiny woman of Northern European descent, I most likely have trouble with gluten. Now, I’ve got a lead — no, titanium — stomach, and nothing ever bothers me. But he just thinks I will look and feel better if I go gluten-free.

    I’m having trouble with the no beer thing. So I’m gluten free except for when I drink beer. I feel fabulous.

  15. September 28, 2010 10:24 AM

    Guess what? Our Mellow Mushroom has a whole GLUTEN-FREE MENU. That’s right, all the MM pizza you love with none of the nasty after-effects!

  16. September 28, 2010 12:41 PM

    A friend of mine has a serious gluten allergy and has been eating that way for years. She’s just fine and I was always surprised at the amount of yummy looking things she could eat. You will be okay. And you won’t be a toilet whore anymore.

    Next time I go to my local bar, I am going to play that song on the jukebox just for you. (There’s a song called toilet whore. For really realsies.)

  17. September 28, 2010 1:40 PM

    Oh, I’m glad you know. And you will have energy back and feel so much better now.

    There are awesome shopping websites that are gluten free! you can have pizza crust, cookies, bread dough mix, soup mixes. Awesome. Just google gluten free food products and shazzam shozizzle like 50 pages come up.

    Just wait and see how good you are going to feel…

  18. September 28, 2010 4:08 PM

    That REALLY sucks!! I was gluten free for just a couple of weeks whilst they checked if I had some weird disease and it was awful!! I could eat next to nothing and all the gluten free products were gross…..apart from chocolate cookies!!! Hope you don’t find it so rough xx

  19. September 28, 2010 10:14 PM

    Well, at least now you have an answer, right? Sorry to hear it…not eating pizza or drinking beer sucks. Big time.

    The last line of this post? Priceless!!

  20. September 28, 2010 10:57 PM

    Oh fuck… I’m depressed just THINKING about it bitch! I’d likely DIE on a toilet in some random ass place… because I couldn’t stop eating greasy cheeseburgers and ice-cream!!!


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