Pizza, I think I’ll miss you most of all *sob*

Ummm…this may be mildly, very mildly disgusting, at one or two points in time. If you’re a regular reader, you’re aware that grossness, as well as curse words, happen upon occasion. They actually happen here FAR less than in real life.

Anyhoo-so I’ve been in and out of blog land because I’ve been dizzy, seeing spots, expelling everything I put in my body immediately (See? VERY mild grossness) and generally feeling like ass.

 Sadly, it’s not a result of an extended college game day where you tailgate, ie drink all day, sneak Jim Beam into the football game, head to a frat band party that night where you drink some more and, allegedly, dance on a cooler and chip your tooth on a beer bottle-while trying to steal a skirt made out of ties from the lead singer of Mel & The Party Hats.

I am also NOT a drug addict despite the bruises on my inner arms from needles. Let’s face it-I’m a wuss and scared of needles and way too lazy to try to use drugs. Plus, that’s money that could be well spent on shoes. Stupid blood work.

On the plus side, I’m NOT pregnant despite everyone wanting to test me for that. Although I was a little concerned when I got this in the mail from Costco yesterday. Do they know something I don’t?

First, we don’t even belong to Costco. Second, I just had the blood test on Tuesday! Jesus, their marketers are on top of things. And shit, seriously? I’m having twins? Well, from a glass half full standpoint at least only one of them will burst out sporting an IUD as a nose ring.

I digress. So while I am still having another endoscopy and bowel biopsy-the fun NEVER stops here-my docs have consulted and agreed the best way to make me miserable, I mean to make me feel better, would be for me to eat gluten-free.

Apparently, I ate this way as a small child after I was hospitalized for two weeks because of my stomach and allowed five food items for several years. (Still. My parents wonder why I’m picky. Hmmm…if 78% of food you ate made you ill, I imagine you would be too.) So at two years old I was WAY ahead of the trend and mom was cooking with special non-wheat flours and stuff.

J helpfully bought Gluten Free for Dummies and I asked him to read and summarize since I was fearful reading it would depress me and cause me to rock in a corner while downing loaves of Sunbeam King Thin bread aka the worst bread, least nutritional, on the planet. (I do love the way it squishes into a little bread ball. Anyhoo…)

I was correct in my assumption that great sadness would ensue when I realized that things I love, like pizza and cheeseburgers, are encased in gluten. Apparently, DQ blizzards are out as they contain gluten.

Beer also contains gluten. And I can’t help it, there are few things I really love more than an ice-cold beer. Well, there’s champagne but that’s rather cost prohibitive. I don’t even drink beer more than 2-3 times a month but knowing I can’t have it? Makes me want to hop out and do a keg stand rightnowthisverysecond (not wearing a skirt. You youngsters reading this? NEVER do a keg stand in a skirt. Really.) My dad did inform J that the next time he heard about/saw me drinking a beer he would beat HIM with a crowbar.

On the plus side, I will lose weight BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING I LIKE and will perhaps, hopefully, quit having an intimate relationship with half of the toilets in town. I’m such a toilet whore. I even have kinds I prefer more than others. (No black seats, no automatic flushing and no single toilet restrooms where people congregate outside and discuss whether someone is dying in there. The answer is yes, fyi.)

I think our restaurant choices will be VERY limited. We already had to nix Outback awhile ago. They must fry everything, including lettuce, in gluten as I throw up all night anytime we eat there. After about the sixth time, it occurred to me that perhaps we just shouldn’t eat there-I’m not a total idiot.

Yesterday my mom and sister went to a baby shower and came home eating petits fours from Peggy Ann Bakery-one of my MOST favoritest fucking things EVER. As I was whining that they didn’t bring me any-my dad and I had this convo:

Dad: “What are petit fours made of?”

Me: “Ummm…cake?” (My sister was snort-laughing)

Dad: “What’s cake made out of?”

Me: “Ummm…” (I drew a blank. I’ve only ever made a cake from a box.)

Dad: “Flour.”

Mom: “Flour comes from wheat, honey.”

SO NO PETITS FOURS EVER AGAIN?!? Or pizza, or cheeseburgers or fried shrimp or schnitzel…sigh.

And I get that there are gluten-free options at stores. But have you checked the prices of them? See above drug/shoe reference. Bratchild and I went to the grocery store today and left with rice cakes, diet caffeine free coke, chicken and rice soup and red wine.

I DID happen upon a gluten-free beer that was made out of sorghum. And that grossed me out. All I know about sorghum is our local botanical garden does a sorghum maze in the fall and it’s dirty, smells weird and has bugs and horrid little children running around in it. I don’t want bug and horrid child funk in my mouth. Ewww.

And of you lovely folks done the gluten-free thing? Have you starved to death yet?

 © Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.