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On the inside, I’m a bipolar gay man

September 29, 2010

Today I ran. By choice. Not in stilettos and not because someone, say an ex or a bad date or a crazy person, was chasing me.

I’ll give you a minute to process that.

Better?

I went running because I was in a good mood AND it was a beautiful day and the first in a long time I could go outside without being set on fire the second I exited the house.

And with my tummy being so fucked up for oh, 10 years, my metabolism and everything is screwed up so I am giving exercising a whirl.

*sigh* The only exercise I have EVER enjoyed was Huntsville Adventure Boot Camp with Joe. He’s awesome and funny and didn’t once make me want to kick him in the knee. BUT 5 a.m. 5 days a week is hard with my current schedule. (I have several docs who will inform you I am prone to knee kicking. Not lately. Until I was about 15ish. Also? I saw my pediatrician like till I got pregnant.) (At 23.)

But, and this is horrific and I CAN’T believe I am admitting this but something has to be done. As I sit here I couldn’t figure out why the pointer thing was moving around the screen. Haunted lap top? Well, much like the ghost that DIDN’T wreck my car, the computator is ALSO not haunted. After much puzzlement, I figured out that the way I’m sitting all propped up with my tiny pink laptop is causing MY BELLY FAT to move the mouse around. Awesomeness.

So today I had the need to run, well, jog at any rate. After much confusion about HOW to make that happen and a seriously pissed off dog, I set off.

My confusion stemmed from not knowing what to do with my shit. Ginormous keys, big iPod and Droid X-that’s a lot to haul around. Do they make special sparkle low impact jogging handbags? And the pissed off dog? Was because I wasn’t taking him. I’m just not coordinated enough to run and walk a dog. I fall down all the time on flat surfaces, I can’t handle any additional obstacles.

I left my phone at home, shocking, took J’s little keys and realized that since I have to wear 1200 sports bras in order to NOT give myself a black eye that my cleavage made a nice little iPod holder. (If Apple starts using that in commercials I am TOTALLY suing them.)

I bebopped along quite happily until this local handyman service dude kept driving around and around and around me. Like turning around in streets and driving slowly by me. Since I am always convinced an abduction is imminent (like when I text J descriptions of people who I think are about to serial killer me so he’ll have it for the police) and I DIDN’T have my phone, I made a scene.

“What the fuck is the matter with you? Don’t you have work to do? I’m exercising. Instead of stalking people, maybe you should give it a whirl. Go away before I call the police.”

The little old man who’s house I caused said scene in front of, who I shit you not was wearing a t-shirt printed to look like leiderhosen, paused in his yard work to turn and laugh at me. Glad I could brighten his day.

The guy sped off and in retrospect? I think he was following me because I was jogging and despite the 1200 sports bras my boobs were bouncing like the cast of Baywatch. Also? It TOTALLY looked like I was feeling myself up because I would feel around in there to change the song I was listening to.

I was rather pleased with myself, not just for heckling the weird handyman, but because I could jog for MUCH longer stretches that I EVER imagined I could. I’d try for a tree and then the next sign and then the next driveway.

AND THEN? I would stop periodically to do push ups and stuff on low walls and various items throughout the neighborhood. (See Joe? I TOTALLY paid attention to your interval and switching things up stuff.)

By the time I’d almost finished my second mile, I was tired and bored. And wanted to call someone to come pick me up. Alas, NO phone. BUT I realized that it might be a good thing. At home, I can hop off the elliptical whenever I want. When you’re out somewhere? You HAVE to finish.

I’m going to have to figure out how to make iPod playlists. One, I don’t want anymore stalkers who think I’m running and playing with my breasts. Two, whomever said I had the music taste of a bipolar gay man was spot on.

I went from Liz Phair to Cher to Prince to Timbaland to Beyonce to Led Zeppelin to Xtina to the Glee soundtrack to Queen to Paris Hilton (Stars are Blind is catchy. Hangs head in shame.). I kind of made my OWN head hurt. (Random sidenote: I AM SO excited about the movie Burlesque I can’t stand it.)

Any running words of wisdom? Songs that are good for jogging?

Pretty please like me on Facebook. When I am skinny due to running and not being able to eat anything I am TOTALLY sure you will want to be in on the ground floor of me wearing nothing but sparkle feather mini dresses.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. September 29, 2010 3:19 AM

    The mental image of you fondling yourself in front of an old man in t-shirt leiderhosen and a stalking handyman was enough to make me smile on a day that started out completely craptastic for me.

    Thanks!!

  2. Brede permalink
    September 29, 2010 3:19 AM

    So love the blog! Long time reader first time commenter. I hate to run but do it to train for half-marathon’s that I only partake in for my wife. It’s a compromise. I do running stuff with her, she blows stuff up and from time to time does manly stuff like that with me. Match made in heaven! Anywho! I’ve found that running can (god i hate even admitting this) be very relaxing. God forbid I actually say it can be almost like meditation. I speak in miles but depending on your running experience it could be less. I tend to find miles 1 and 2 torture, but if you focus on a single thing… Say focusing on just your breathing, or just the motion of your arms you WILL eventually get to what I like to call the sweet spot… This is what most people call a runners high. Essentially you end up running 3 more miles and it’s like driving hypnotism… you don’t remember it… It is very therapeutic in a sense! Good luck… Keep at it… and try for that runners high…

  3. September 29, 2010 6:20 AM

    Oh Amy! You crack me up so bad today! I know I haven’t been commenting a lot (or at all) but I’ve been cyberstalking you. Every morning I open my email to get one of your posts and it’s the BEST way to start my day. Thanks for the laugh…this one was so funny that I had to come out of hiding today. Have a good day and try to stay out of trouble! 🙂

  4. September 29, 2010 7:04 AM

    First, I’m wicked impressed that you stopped to do push ups and stuff. Impressed. I have a great running mix. Happy to mail you a copy! Let me know.

  5. September 29, 2010 8:08 AM

    I am really proud of you Amy! The story was awesome. I laughed,I cried, I have allergies so I blew a tiny snot bubble. You need two things to improve your running. An iPod armband holder (you can bedazzle it later) and MC Hammer. That is really all you need in life. Keep up the good work!

  6. September 29, 2010 9:39 AM

    LOL! OMG bet that handy man thinks twice before creeping on a female jogger again! Wish I could offer assistance on the ipod but I don’t even own one let alone have a clue how to operate one.

    I HAVE found the cleavage to be an excellent spot for my cell phone when walking, and a host of other things for that matter.

  7. September 29, 2010 10:42 AM

    I listen to death metal or Lady Gaga when I run. Interesting combo, I know.

    I’m running by choice this weekend and I’m glad that I read this post today because I was feeling sort of uninspired to do so.

  8. September 29, 2010 12:36 PM

    Ok, so I am at work….eating my lunch reading this and almost spit out my soda. This is so hilarious that it took me about 5 minutes to read the post as I had tears coming out of my eyes. Thanks for the laugh!!!

  9. Stephwak permalink
    September 29, 2010 1:30 PM

    Some musical suggestions:
    Dream Police- Cheap Trick
    Hair
    U + Ur Hand – Pink
    Circus – Bitney Spears (misspelled on porpoise)
    Hot & Cold- Katy Perry
    Atomic – Blondie
    Rockbird- Blondie
    Ballroom Blitz – Sweet
    Stacy’s Mom- Fountains of Wayne
    What’s the Frequency Kenneth – REM
    New York Groove- Kiss

  10. Little Miss S permalink
    September 29, 2010 2:08 PM

    Thanks for the funny today! I SO wish I had some cleavage to nestle my iPod into…I have to opt for an armband… I also have some kick-ass workout music…I’d share…with you.

  11. September 29, 2010 2:10 PM

    Oh my goodness – this is hilarious! I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard!

    I’m impressed – it’s all I can do to get myself outside to WALK every day. In fact, I didn’t do it today…but my excuse is that is has been raining. The excuse for not walking on the treadmill would be…um…I’m lazy? Anyway, I’m VERY impressed.

  12. Allison C. permalink
    September 30, 2010 3:28 PM

    weird, wonder if it was the same handyman creep I nearly tasered last week. Now I am carrying a pink taser and pink mace. I asked why I attract freaks – once a man tried to abduct me in the Beverly Hills mall – and friend said I looked easy enough to fold up and stuff into a trunk. NICE.

  13. Sharon permalink
    October 3, 2010 4:23 PM

    I really enjoyed reading this. I laughed til the end and actually wanted to keep reading. You know you wouldn’t have to wear 1200 sports bras or worry about black eyes if you wore an Enell Sports Bra. They are on sale here: http://www.onesweetone.com . But of course if you try this bra you won’t have any more funny stories to tell us about running :)…haha!

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