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Being in the sewer made me sick

September 30, 2010

I don’t normally post on Thursdays…but I also don’t normally end up with hepatitis A, B AND C as well as a case of leprosy from hopping in a sewer.

So my loss is your gain.

I jogged again today and as I mentioned yesterday I jog, walk, stop and do push ups and calf raises and such. (And okay, it wasn’t technically a sewer.)

One of the places I stop is a little storm drain ditch thingamabob. You know the concrete things with slanted walls? (I do know the part that goes under the road is called a culvert. Look at me using big fancy words for outdoorsy things.)

ANYWAYS, as I mentioned I have to haul my keys and store my iPod in my boobs. Well, the ditch thing has a low concrete wall with an iron railing along the top. I straighten out my body and do slanty push ups against this pole (and yes, I constantly worry I’m going to fall and knock all my teeth out.)

ANYWAYS TIMES TWO-I set my keys on the concrete wall and SOMEHOW knocked them into the ditch area. Crap. So I had to scramble over some fences and crawl down into the ditch. Awesome.

As I was crawling out of the ditch, a police officer stopped. (I MUST quit calling them to complain about random things, speeders, animals since I swear I’m the ONLY person they ever catch doing questionable shit.)

He stops and walks over as I’m flailing my way back over the fence. To give you the full picture of what he encountered, I was sporting two sports bras, a skinny strap tank with a built-in bra, yoga pants, had my iPod stuffed in my boobs and was wearing a sequin stretchy headband from a flapper costume. (What? I needed something to hold my hair back and it was either a cheap bit from a Halloween costume or an expensive jewelled headband from J. Crew. Obviously I’m not THAT ridiculous.)

PO : “Ma’am. Can I help you with something?”

Me: “Oh no, I’m fine but thank you. This isn’t a George Clooney/ER/emergency situation. There’s no baby in the well so to speak.”

PO: “Ma’am?”

Me: “I dropped my keys while I was doing push ups and had to climb down and get them.”

PO: “Will you tell your friend he can come up now?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. I was just getting my keys.”

PO: “Was someone “getting your keys” with you?” (He totally used air quotes.)

Me: “No. I’m exercising. I’m sweaty. I’m super uncoordinated.”

( As I’m telling him this I recall the time I was once flashed by a man who was hanging out in a storm drain. The policeman obviously thinks I am having an illicit affair. In a ditch. While wearing 12 sports bras and a sequin flapper headband. Cause ANY of that is hot.)

After we talked for a few more minutes, he looked down in the ditch and realized I’m not some sort of culvert prostitute-I’m just an idiot. Whew. That was a close one.

BUT NOW-I don’t feel well. I have a fever and am all snotty and headachy and coughy. I blame the ditch. And all those ditch hookers and flasher men. Thanks.

I also yelled out a teenager who sped by me to slow down and get his ass back to school. He couldn’t hear me over his radio so he waved and whistled and made a vaguely obscene gesture. He was staring at my boobs and I think he thought I was flirting with him. (WHAT is with all these people thinking I’m sort of deviant when I’M JUST TRYING TO EXERCISE?) Between him and the handyman, I may need to find jogging turtlenecks.

At 33, I am WELL on my way to being the crazy old lady in the neighborhood.

Oh, am I going to electrocute myself or short out my iPod by storing it in my cleavage? There’s a lot of sweat happening there so I’m now concerned.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. Ginny permalink
    September 30, 2010 4:20 AM

    That story s AWESOME!! hahahaaa! I thoroughly enjoyed the laugh I got while reading this one today. Super funny! I always see J walking Clifford through the neighborhood in the afternoons, so now I’ll just have to keep my eyes open for the super sparkly flapper headband too. 🙂 Later gator!

  2. September 30, 2010 6:23 AM

    OMG Amy! You are going to make me choke on my bagel!! You are sooooo hilarious! Honestly, I look forward to getting your feed in my mailbox everyday. I’m hoping that some Hollywood producer will discover you and turn your life into a sitcom! Thanks for the laugh and for making me choke!

  3. September 30, 2010 7:02 AM

    LOL OMG you are killing me! I’m already fast becoming a crazy cat lady, so when I read about this it doesn’t help me much in the desire to exercise! However this is totally entertaining, guessing the cop thought you were a hooker? LOL

  4. September 30, 2010 9:45 AM

    You crack me up. Silly like!!!
    hey -I’m still hosting flip offs – I scheduled that shit 😉 Hope to see you then.

  5. September 30, 2010 1:14 PM

    I don’t think you are in danger of electrocuting your cleavage, BUT you could always get one of those iPod holders that straps to your arm. You know…just in case.

    I’m sorry your sick with sewer plague. Get well soon!

  6. Allison C. permalink
    September 30, 2010 3:20 PM

    Flapper headband and air quotes. Geesh, I nearly peed myself. Love it! Thanks for keeping me in stiches!

  7. Joe in N. Calif permalink
    September 30, 2010 4:43 PM

    (takes off hat, clears throat and quietly says) Miss Amy, Ladies…Would all y’all mind if I came in to sit a spell? I found this place via Loralees Looniebin, I think I have that right, via the blog of an officer and gentleman goes by Neptunus Lex.

    I don’t think you have any worries about electrocution, but sweat may not be all that good for the circuits and such in your infernal machine.

    Feel free to ask me anything about myself, I’m pretty much an open book.

  8. October 1, 2010 7:53 AM

    Still laughing! You brightened my day. Thanks.

  9. mairzeebp permalink
    October 1, 2010 9:10 AM

    A culvert prostitute….genius! Laughing. And, from approximately fifteen years of dance classes and costumes – not kidding, fifteen years – I have a number of those sequined headbands and I think they are bitchin’.

  10. October 1, 2010 12:45 PM

    I love that the cop used air quotes!! This is SO something that would happen to me!

  11. October 1, 2010 6:39 PM

    Hilarious Amy. Love the imagery. I can see it perfectly. Good for you getting out there and running though 🙂

  12. October 4, 2010 3:49 PM

    THIS made my day. Thanks for the laugh, Amy 🙂 I can always count on you (though I’m sorry to hear about the hepatitis and leprosy, obviously).

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