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Wasps don’t necessarily drown in toilets

October 25, 2010

Well…that’s not really the whole topic of this post but it is something that happened to me today that was SO ridiculous that I had to share.

We’ve had an invasion of wasps lately in our den…I’m not sure why but I’m killing a couple every other day or so. Today I killed 5. Seriously.

So we have this super high-tech bug killer at our house-the finest electrocuting tennis racket that $5 can buy. AND I think the battery is dying because it only mildly sparks and makes subtle flesh burning smells when I capture my prey.

ANYWAYS…one of the wasps I killed fell to the ground still squirming so I picked him up with a kleenex and put him in the toilet. And flushed. And nothing happened. The wasp and the Kleenex jauntily bobbed back up to the surface. Flushed again and walked away.

I’ve been drinking lots of water so twelve minutes later I had to pee, naturally. Water in, pee out and all that.

And, ummm, I don’t know how to say this nicely but I sat down and, well, started to go and then? THEN? I felt a sharp, very sharp, stab in my right butt cheek.

That wasp? Hadn’t drowned and was out for revenge. I’m guessing that the second time he didn’t go around the bowl and down the hole EITHER and instead floated on his Kleenex raft slowly gathering his strength and prepping for battle. And he somehow dragged his ragged and mildly electrocuted slightly waterlogged self to the inside of the bowl where I couldn’t see him.

And then he pounced.

The aftermath wasn’t pretty-there may have been some screaming, shrieking and general mayhem. I also may have ever so slightly rammed my head into the wall as I leaped from my throne in wasp escapism mode.

And, of course, I used the zig zag pattern that J told me I should use when I am trying to escape a predator. That may have only been in the case of a gun attack but at the time, I couldn’t quite think clearly.

So there I was chasing the wasp with frog flannel pants around my knees as I screamed and flailed. This time? He’s dead for real.

And ya’ll? I seriously already had a fear of toilets. I ALWAYS look before I sit down because I once read something about snakes slithering up through the pipes and biting people on the ass. But that wasp? Knew my fear and was crafty and hid.

Speaking of always checking things before you sit down, J and I went to Cracker Barrel as we were driving back from Baltimore.

And this Cracker Barrel was cra-azy.

We’ve been eating at CB’s since they have veggies and non-fried options and corn muffins which seem to NOT make me sick since they have low wheat, theirs particularly.

But something I had eaten the day before HAD made me sick so I needed to use the restroom to die and stuff. Fun, no?

In addition to making sure no toilet monsters are in wait to attack me, I also check simple things. Like making sure there’s adequate toilet paper.

So, of course, after going through ALL the stalls only ONE had any toilet paper at all. At the time, it wasn’t a big deal as I was all alone.

But, OF COURSE, after I locked myself in the only toilet paper stocked stall and commenced dying, there was an onslaught of people. As I am attempting to die in peace, I am repeatedly interrupted with “can you pass me the toilet paper?” “Oh, can you have her pass some down here too?”

PEOPLE! I am trying to die. In peace. With a modicum of dignity.

When I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I gathered myself up and left ONLY to be greeted by yet another unbelievable site:

An 80-year-old little bitty lady was playing a paper guitar and singing Born to Be Wild as loud as she could while sporting her Cracker Barrel apron.

That place is ridunkalous.

Any of you ever been attacked by anything in your toilet? Get annoyed when stall neighbors ask for toilet paper? Just me?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. October 26, 2010 7:15 AM

    ok, this have never, never, ever happened to me. Ever. But I had to comment because I cannot stop laughing. I am so sorry. Yes, I am laughing. At you. At the vision you created. You did it SO freaking well. Apply ice. Maybe some cortizone cream. Whine and be catered to. Oh, and get some wine. And don’t stop making me laugh. PLEASE.

  2. October 26, 2010 1:19 PM

    Oh Amyblam, you always have the best, weirdest things happen to you!

    I’ve never had anything weird pop out of the toilet, but I live in the South and every once and awhile you hear about gators swimming their way out from the sewers into toilet bowls. Yikes. Now, that would hurt a butt cheek good and well.

  3. October 26, 2010 4:19 PM

    Girl, you really have the best stories. That wasp was out for blood! Oh and btw, thanks to you now I have a fear of snakes coming out of my toilet. nice.

  4. October 27, 2010 9:02 AM

    I fear snakes and rodents in the toilet so I too always examine things before sitting down. Oh and spiders. But wow not a wasp. Being allergic I’d have ended up on the floor out cold with the pants around my knees and a bathroom full of firefighter/medics and a cop. Lovely thought since the ex hubby is one of those that would have shown up, and I’d rather die than have that visual come to life.

    Hope the tush is okay!

  5. October 27, 2010 9:12 AM

    LOL…talk about a pain in the ass! I promise, I’m laughing WITH you though….do you have a fireplace in your den? We had a nest in ours, and although they might not flush well, they do catch fire and fly around (http://www.divinesecretsofadomesticdiva.com/2010/10/16/flamers/).

    Hope your rear feels better! Thanks for the laugh!

    Susan

    • amyblam permalink*
      October 31, 2010 2:24 PM

      It could be the fireplace, that’s the only way I can think they might get in since it’s the only room they’re ever in.

  6. October 27, 2010 10:01 AM

    I am alternately laughing and feeling very sorry for you in all of this. I can’t believe that jerk hid and waited to attack you! Now I’m going to be doubly paranoid about going to the bathroom.

  7. October 27, 2010 12:07 PM

    Oh! my gosh!

    God sent me here.

    SEriously.

    We are having a wasp invasion in our den, and I just throw the twitching guys in the toilet when I’m done asmashin’…but no more!

    oh, no, I will learn my lesson from a page in your life, and LOOK before I , er,,,crap.

  8. October 27, 2010 1:34 PM

    I found you over at the girl next door grows up and i was cracking up about you wanting to lost 10 pounds and thinking about licking toys at a daycare. then i read your wasp story and i’m dying. i don’t fear things in toilets but i can’t believe the wasp actually came out of the toilet and just hung out waiting for you. my question is, weren’t you in the middle of peeing? didn’t you pee everywhere when you jumped up and ran in a zig zag pattern????

    • amyblam permalink*
      October 31, 2010 2:26 PM

      I don’t know how it happened but when I felt the sharp stick in my booty, I stopped peeing. Me peeing everywhere seems far more likely. I lucked out.

  9. October 27, 2010 4:24 PM

    What in the ?!?! GOOD LORD, WOMAN! That’s some crazy sh** right there! I can’t believe you were attacked by a wasp while on the throne! That conniving little f*cker! Sorry for all the cussing. But I thought if I added asterisks you would still let me poke my head in and comment 🙂 I have a fear of toilets too because of that snake urban legend.

    I LOVE ME SOME CRACKER BARREL! Their hash brown casserole is pure heaven. I can’t ever get enough of the kitsch in that place. I’m sorry about you nearly dying and all though 😦

  10. October 27, 2010 5:41 PM

    I’ve killed 5 wasps this afternoon. Seriously. And one didn’t quite die when I smacked him with my slipper and I was going to flush him half-alive but then I worried that he wouldn’t flush and 10 minutes later when I sat down to pee he’d sting me in the butt so I killed him out right before the final flush. Obviously, I made the right call. (And seriously? I am NOT making this up.)

  11. mikethelost permalink
    October 29, 2010 12:57 PM

    I once had an eight inch camel spider climb on me at 3am in Iraq while I was doing my “business”… Was NOT fun….

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