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Friday Flip-Offs 11/5

November 5, 2010

Hey there everybody! I am thrilled beyond belief that it’s going to be cold this weekend and I will finally be able to wear my vintage mink stole.

Also? I’m getting ready to start on our Christmas yard fiasco-I figured it was okay because shops around town have wreaths and the like up already.

Anywho, please visit Momma Kiss and the other flippers-they are all pretty funny ladies and have good things to say.

This week math gets middle fingers from hands attached to wrists sporting calculator watches. Third grade math is the bane of my assistance. I can do important stuff, like immediately calculate in my head the price of an item if it’s 25, 30, 40, etc % off. For everything else, I use excel spread sheets.

Also? Two mean girl middle fingers are going to this asshole girl in bratchild’s class. I have NEVER called a child as asshole before and find it especially awful when parents call their own children that. But this girl? Is one. She constantly picks on this one little girl and is awfully bossy. When bratchild stepped in to tell her to lay off as she was being mean, she instituted “rules” for being her friend. Can’t tell on her, must raise hand if you want to speak, etc. AND because they have lunch seating charts, which is when most of the picking happens, they can’t get away from her.

So yesterday, I polished up my crystal encrusted handbasket that even has pockets for wine and snacks and headed down to the school. She was telling kids to “zip it zippy” because they were attempting to talk. When the other kids were talking to me and she kept interrupting and I said “Oh sweetie, you’re going to have to raise your hand if you want to talk to ME.”

I have a fantastic evil eye death stare, this kid may have beat me today when she realized someone had told. How does an 8-year-old have that look? And does bullying start in third grade? Really?

So…middle fingers balancing those lovely school lunch trays goes to bratchild’s teacher. Seating charts at lunch? That don’t change? For the year? That’s some bullshit. AND you sit at a whole other table away from your class so you don’t know what’s going on at the other end of the room? Awesome.

I’m also passing out middle fingers of teenagers that are sneaking out and smoking crack to parents that don’t make their children behave. You should prepare now, you’ll see plenty of them in 7 or 8 years.

I chaperoned a field trip last week and was shocked. Out of four classes of children, a handful said please, thank you, ma’am, sir, etc. The REST of them? Shoved in front of each other, didn’t listen and wouldn’t shut the fuck up when everyone was supposed to be silent to do a cool cave experiment. The other parents that chaperoned? For the most part, didn’t notice any of it as they were too busy chatting to each other and NOT paying attention.

Two little boys, not in my group, were dangling from a handrail trying to get into a rock hole in the cave. When I told them to stop, they just looked at me. Super.

When you’re kids are rude hellion meth addicted  troublemakers in their teen years and you can’t figure out why? Ask me, I will be GLAD to tell you.

Tiny little tinsel wrapped middle fingers are given to Christmas lights. I am having a hard time figuring out how many bundles of net lights are needed to cover our roof, how to attach them and how I am going to get J to let me use a ladder to get them up there. (Totally attempting a new level of tacky this year and figured squares of net lights made more sense then strings of lights. I’ll keep you posted.)

So it logically follows that two electrocuted middle fingers go to electrical outlets and fuses. I do not have enough of you outside, which causes the fuse problem. I get very distressed when the fuses blow and things go dark. Our neighbors have a plug that is fairly close to us AND I don’t think they know it’s there-is it wrong to use it?

I DID get a new, even taller blowup Santa to replace last year’s that had a candy cane suffering from erectile dysfunction so that’s good news. PLUS, way on sale last year, I snapped up some inflatable lighted packages and a trio of inflatable lighted snowmen carolers (I think that was the other item-I can’t remember.)

I am STILL looking for a blow up Nativity scene-I want the one that has and angel AND the three wise guys in addition to Mary, Jo and baby Jesus in a bucket. (That’s what bratchild called them when she was younger.)

I would be OKAY with the old-fashioned airblown plastic ones with lightbulbs in them but I can only find them on Catholic websites and they want LOTS of money for them.

Okay then and anyways-what’s got your fire going this week? Share below! If you have your own flip-offs, leave a link!

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. November 5, 2010 5:43 AM

    I hear what you’re saying about this kid in bratchild’s class. If you’re a jerk this young, you’re going to be a jerk when you’re older. Rules? for being a friend? Lame.

    Can I tell you how excited I am about Christmas? Your flip to lights got me all giddy inside. Wheeee!

  2. November 5, 2010 7:14 AM

    This is my first visit to your blog, and I love this post! It amazes me how some children act.

    Now that Halloween is over, I can move on to being excited about Christmas.

  3. November 5, 2010 8:32 AM

    I hate Christmas lights. I know it’s not green and all that crap, but they should really make disposable lights b/c 1) I can NEVER fit the lights back into the box they came in and 2) when I take them out the next year, I swear I didn’t roll them into a knotted ball.

    And to that asshole girl? No need for rules if no one wants to be your friend.

  4. November 5, 2010 9:25 AM

    I wish you could be all ‘Freaky Friday’ and change places w/ your daughter. That would teach the other child. Until then? gahh. Teach yours to box??

  5. November 5, 2010 11:03 AM

    Oh Honey! I hate rude parents of rude kids. My oldest is in the 5th grade and I just shake my head. It ALWAYS boils down to the parents.

    And do you watch Project Runway? The winner had a calculator watch and it drove me NUTS all season!!!

    Use that outlet. They will never know.

  6. November 5, 2010 8:33 PM

    Use the outlet. If they find out, blame your kid. That’s what kids are there for, right?

  7. November 7, 2010 9:59 AM

    What is with some people’s kids these days? It’s ridiculous.

    The other day at work I had one customer in my store and she had her daughter with. Her daughter was the most polite little kid. I’ve never heard so many pleases and thank yous and I definitely told both the daughter and mother how nice it was. I wish more kids could be like that!

  8. November 8, 2010 7:11 AM

    all my friends with daughters closetomiddleschool age have recommended the book Queen Bees and Wannabees to learn all about the sucky dynamics of girls and their mean ways. I have it and plan to read it when my daughter, who has a propensity toward mean, gets a little older. I hope to stave some of it off.

    Which, as you said, makes me a slightly better parent than those who refuse to parent their children. You are so right that it becomes patently obvious who cares, and who doesn’t. Maddening.

  9. November 8, 2010 11:03 PM

    My girls teachers knew they could give me the problem children on the field trips. I was the mom who whipped those little cretins into place and surprise, surprise those kids LOVED me for the rest of their school days with my kids. Kids don’t want a friend, they want a leader, a guide. Parents these days just don’t get that.

    I’m giving a big 2 finger salute to this kick ass cold that walloped on me this week. My nose is running like the Nile and my aches and pains are keeping me under ten feet of covers. I’ve got no time for this! Be gone cold!

  10. November 11, 2010 11:11 AM

    You mentioned that awful seating chart on my blog this week when Desperate Housemommy guest posted and I couldn’t believe it then! That is ridiculous. Boo on that foshizzle. Your list cracked me up! I think the name “bratchild” should also be given to that little 8 y/o arsehole. Your daughter surely doesn’t deserve that title more than her mean classmate.

    • amyblam permalink*
      November 12, 2010 9:07 AM

      Well I call mine bratchild in an opposite way. She’s an awesome and super behaved kid so it’s a joke. I would never call a kid that really was awful that. 🙂

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