Skip to content

Today I burned myself with a hairbrush…and other moments of stupidity

November 17, 2010

The last several weeks I’ve been…out of it. I’m busy at work and the holiday season is always busy. Between all the fun and festivities and making my yard look like Christmas threw up on it…it’s a lot. But I love it.

For some reason, more nonsensical things than normal have been happening. I don’t know if it’s due to the busyness or my state of hunger as I attempt to find gluten-free food options but my brain is not working at its full capacity.

Today, for example, I burned myself with a hairbrush. MOST people accomplish this feat with hot pokers of metal-otherwise known as curling irons. Because I’m special, I do it with a hairbrush. In retrospect, I should’ve realized this would be a potential problem when I purchased a snazzy nylon AND boar bristle brush that CAME WITH A WARNING ATTACHED. “Brush gets hot while in use.”  Super.

My other brain surge super smart moment of the day was when I ordered chocolate pie at a bbq place in town. After the waitress brought it, it occurred to me that pie crust? Is full of the glutens. Since I take off the merengue and eat the chocolate and pie crust bits I basically ended up paying $4 for a pudding cup.

What else?

Well, at a debutante ball recently I was convinced that I was going blind in my right eye…only to realize I hadn’t fully attached a fake eyelash and that half of it was dangling in my eye obscuring my vision.

In should be noted that at the same debutante ball I actually told my husband that, no, he couldn’t “bid” on the girls when they walked down the presentation stage; offering 10 head of cattle and $5,000 for their hand. It wasn’t that kind of ball.

I was traumatized by a Salvation Army volunteer the other day at the grocery store. I was convinced her festive red apron said “I am hellbringer” rather than “I am a bellringer.” I should perhaps QUIT watching so much “Supernatural” and/or START wearing my glasses.

The other day my hubs decided I had given up on taking care of myself and “let myself go since I have a man” when he noticed the bottoms of my feet were totally brown. I don’t know if he felt better or worse when I explained, it wasn’t dirt or grime that I had just had a mishap with the tanning spray and somehow coated the bottom of my feet with it.

The highlight had to be when J compared me to Ralph Wiggum from “The Simpsons.”

*Image from comicvine.com

I had a conversation in my head that totally made sense but somehow the only part that made it out of my mouth was “Sometimes my deodorant and my lotion mix together and they feel funny.” It was labelled a Wiggumism.

And in a totally unexpected and shocking turn of events, I ate Reese’s Pieces for the first after 29 years of bitter vitriol. (Some of you may remember that I have a horrific disgust for all things peanut butter and chocolate after an “accident” when I was watching Scooby Doo  in which I inserted a Reese’s Pieces into my nose and then had to go to the doctor and be put in a straitjacket so that it could be removed. After all the fussing and flailing, it melted down my nose into my throat and put me right off them forever. And then suddenly? I had a craving.)

I am PROUD to say it’s the first, and only, time I’ve ever found myself in a straitjacket. It’s the little things.

Anyone else random acts of idiocy lately?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Advertisements
14 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2010 10:19 PM

    Um you just casually toss in that you were at at debutante ball? Like Oh, I got some sweet potatoes, picked up the dry cleaning and then stopped at the debutante ball.

    Wha??

    I wish I knew more about the simpsons to find that funny. Sorry. I don’t.

  2. November 18, 2010 12:22 AM

    I’m also intrigued by this debutante ball! More det’s, please!

    Dayum, girl. How in the hell do you manage tanning spray on the soles of your feet?! I’m dying. LMAO!!

  3. November 18, 2010 2:59 AM

    I know the hairbrushes you speak of! Those are small, unassuming death traps! Buyer, beware!

  4. November 18, 2010 6:19 AM

    Okay, here is my embarrassing-but-totally-happens-to-me-all-the-time incident that happened last night. My husband bought home yellow smiley face balloons for my four year old daughter because 1.) she loves them and 2.) he wants her to like him more than she likes me (it’s a close call on that one, but I’m still ahead because I’m the one in charge of when and how many pieces of Halloween candy she can have.) He blew up the balloon and we were playing keep away (which is always fun when your one of the taller people playing), I swat the balloon (horribly because I’m still sitting on the couch watching Christmas movies on Hallmark channel and only hit it when it comes within fingertip reach), it shoots up, hits the popcorn ceiling—and here is my moment—a piece of the popcorn swirl falls off and into my eye!! It wasn’t sitting where I could casually swipe it out, I blinked when it fell so it was up under my lid—needless to say, I was no longer sitting comfortably on the couch watching Christmas movies! Can you say crazy woman turning in circles desperately trying to get the popcorn swirly thing out of her eye while the husband who is so used to these kinds of things happening to me, just calmly stands there watching! Anyway, after scaring my daughter and amusing my husband, it finally came out.

    That is a small five minute glimpse into my daily life 🙂

  5. November 18, 2010 6:54 AM

    Amyblam,

    You just are terrific as you muddle your way through life. I know a bit about the muddling, too. It’s what makes us so pink, sparkly terrific.

    One time I totally botched the spray tan, too. I just use it everywhere and no one was around this time, to help me spray my back area. My ass had huge brown streaks across it, because I couldn’t manage that width from the front. I figured, screw it, no one would see me except for my husband.

    I forgot about my dermatologist appt coming up. And of course, I have moles on my ass that have to be checked. Not only did I have to explain the tan on my albino skin, I had these strange stripes across my ass. I’m sure they talked about me all day.

  6. November 18, 2010 7:17 AM

    LOL! Yesterday I was checking phone messages while waiting for my turn at Parent/Teacher conferences. The reception wasn’t great. I started to listen to the usual prompt of: “Please enter your password” but all I heard was: “Please enter your assword” and of course I started giggling out loud in the middle of the elementary school. Mature.

    – Emily

  7. November 18, 2010 10:14 AM

    This novel writing has me doing all sorts of ridiculous things. Just this morning, I:
    1. Put my daughter’s shirt on backwards, and didn’t realize it till the hub told me so
    2. Placed the milk in the pantry
    3. Lost my car keys…on top of the car.

    It’s too early for Alzheimer’s to set in, right?

  8. November 18, 2010 11:39 AM

    heehee….first and only time in a straitjacket… I love it.

    ALSO: best comment on my post today? YOURS.

    Hilarious, Girlfriend, just.hilarious.

    Thanks for the out loud laugh. How I love to laugh out loud.

  9. November 18, 2010 11:41 AM

    This morning I walked 3 year old into school classroom and remembered I forgot to grab her backpack. Walked back out to car to retrieve said backpack. Did not see backpack. Walked 3 year old back into classroom and told the teachers “I have no idea” where the backpack is. Left 3 year old in classroom, sans backpack, walk back out to car to leave and there sat the backpack. F the backpack. I need a drink.

  10. November 18, 2010 5:01 PM

    Like mypajamasdays up there, I have a pair of Bass shoes and the B has rubbed off on the insole, so it says ASS shoes. I think they are really funny. They are sandals, so I think anyone looking at my feet if I am sitting, with them half off, will see my ASS shoes.

  11. November 19, 2010 1:58 PM

    Ahhh the tanning spray incident. I have had quite a few mishaps with self tanner in the past…that made me laugh. I have found one that behaves pretty well now, but I am always careful!

  12. November 19, 2010 8:28 PM

    I have a “moment” at least once a week. Something is always falling through the cracks. I’ve just never been this busy in my life. You’re not alone!! Makes for good anecdotes though.

    A debutante ball, huh? Interesting.

  13. November 20, 2010 1:05 PM

    I am laughing so hard, I can’t think!!! My daughter had her birthday party last Saturday, and leading up to it she became obsessed w/ a different kid who was attending each week. The week before it was Joshua. She wanted to show him her room. Desperately. In Target I yelled, “You are not showing Joshua your bed!”

  14. November 20, 2010 1:05 PM

    oh, also? I once greeted the FedEx guy w/ my breast exposed. Then was all annoyed with him when he looked.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: