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It’s officially Christmas when I fall off a ladder

November 21, 2010

The Christmas season is officially upon us as I have fallen off a ladder AND almost slit my own throat with a knife…by accident. And since I decreed Christmastime to officially be upon us, our neighbors followed suit and began their decorating. (Though ours is better.) (Seriously. Last year we made the local news.)

When I do things, I tend to go big. There’s not really much point otherwise. And? I love Christmas. Some people might call it tacky but I think it should be big and bright and colorful and full of lights and glitter. And even 12 foot Santas that are taller than part of the house:

I’m not very good at judging lengths and distances. Twelve ft is MUCH taller than I thought it would be and Mrs. Claus is only 7 ft so we had to separate them.

Unfortunately, while I am a MOST excellent idea person, I am not the most skilled in practical follow thru. One time, I couldn’t find a ladder so I stacked two plastic coolers AND put a stepstool on top of them. I really don’t know how I haven’t broken anymore than a finger bone (and technically the dog did that.)

So I find nothing odd about standing on a crooked ladder/dangling from a tree branch that even when I am on the ladder’s topmost step is still somehow out of reach.

Needless to say J LOVES my plans…since oftentimes he’s the one executing them and I refuse to believe it’s “hard” or “unsafe” to line the tall portion of her house with lights. (I wanted to cover the entire roof with netlights but I let that go. I’m very accommodating.)

Yesterday I was home alone and unsupervised AND on a ladder and I was sure I would end up in the ER. I didn’t but it wasn’t for lack of trying. J came home to find the ladder on a hill, tilting so that only 2 of its 4 feet things were on the ground.

J: “Please tell me you didn’t get on the ladder like that.”

Me: “Of course not, I’m not an idiot.” (J leaves to walk dog and comes back to ladder with all feet squarely on the ground but listing at about a 20 degree angle-so he says.)

J: “Did you get on the ladder like that?”

Me: “Yes. It only looks crooked, it’s totally not precarious when you’re on it.”

I can’t help it that our yard is slanty in parts.

We have a holly bush that is taller than the house and have never bothered to light it since it’s tall and stuff…and has power lines running through it which, it would seem, falls into the “not safe” category. My solution? Was to buy this light installer extender pole thingamabob which was NOT as easy to use as the overly perky, gray turtleneck tucked into beltless acid washed jeans blonde on the box would have one believe.

Me: “Crap. I don’t think I’m going to be able to go above the power lines with lights even with the pole and ladder.”

J: “No. You shouldn’t even go NEAR the power lines with your metal pole, metal ladder and lights.”


Even with my fancy ladder and accessory pole there were still some parts that were difficult to reach. Remember how you throw toilet paper at trees when you’re rolling them? It works for Christmas lights too. And people say you never learn anything from acts of juvenile delinquency…

I also tried to slit my own throat yesterday when I used what J has dubbed the “most dangerous knife in the world.” It’s short and curves like a claw and has some wicked teeth on it. Due to my affinity for zip ties as a holiday decorating tool (they’re awesome for getting lights to hang straight on bushes) I needed to remove some zip ties that were on lights from LAST year. As I was cutting  and yanking upwards towards my throat, it did occur to me that it wasn’t necessarily a very good idea. Fortunately,  I had this revelation before I hacked any major arteries in two.

Once I was back on solid ground and lining the yard with white lights, a little old man that lives down the street stopped to tell me how nice it looks and how we have a house people will want to drive by…proving me wrong that ALL of our neighbors hate us. Just many of them…like the ones that live next door AND I HAVEN’T EVEN TRIED to secretly use their outlets yet.

Anyways…two days of decorating down and we’re still not finished BUT I did just order a panoramic projector that will make snowflakes “fall” across the house. I’m pretty jazzed about it-it has ghosts we can use at Halloween for the cemetery. (Still no coffin.)

What do you do for Christmas decorating? And, more importantly, when do you start?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 22, 2010 5:01 PM

    I love your Santa! That is something Iwould do because I don’t know how tall 12′ is I just know it is taller than I am. Now you know no one will miss it! I thought about putting up my Christmas lights but I was afaird I would be doing what you did. I’m clumsy. Thanks for a good laugh and now I am not the only one out there that this kind of things would happen to.

  2. November 22, 2010 6:24 PM

    I will see your 12 ft. Santa and raise you one inflatable Santa and elves in a race car. haha! My hubs is a “car guy” and my inlaws gave it to us.
    I LOVE decorating for Xmas too. We have two trees, a traditional one that goes in our family room and a Victorian themed one that goes in our living room. The fun begins the day after Thanksgiving (we host) and continues all weekend. It now takes 4 full days to decorate our house. I can’t wait!

  3. November 22, 2010 8:38 PM

    Oh. My. God. Amy, I’m having a heart attack FOR you. Very glad to hear that you were not electrocuted, maimed, or bleeding profusely from an artery in your neck after your holiday decorating 🙂 But the house looks great!! LOL!!

    I like that you kept giant Santa away from teensy Mrs. Claus.

  4. November 22, 2010 10:54 PM

    I typically start the day after Thanksgiving. This year we’ll be away til Sunday [don’t tell the stalkers or 4 square people]…so we’ll probably do it throughout the next week.

  5. November 23, 2010 5:31 AM

    I kind of want to hug you for your 12 foot Santa and larger than life approach to everything but then I also want to wrap you up in protective little bubble and tuck you away somewhere SAFE because dear lord woman: you are worse than I am in the clumsy department. At least I have the good sense to bribe people to get on ladders for me. Also? No knives please. Stick with the scissors they give to nursery schoolers in arts & crafts.


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