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Baby Jesus is out of the trunk and Mary and Joe FINALLY arrived

November 29, 2010

Many of you missed the fabulous Friday flip-offs that were exceptionally good and in honor of black Friday. They are here, feel free to check them out and return. I’ll wait.

Perhaps you read Part One of my yard decorating Christmas Craptackyular yard extravaganza. If you didn’t, it’s not super important but I’ll wait if you’d like to read it as well.

Super. I’m glad everyone is back.

In the past, we’ve mainly focused on the large portion of our front yard and left the smaller side alone.  Mainly because I’ve never been able to find the perfect airblown nativity with a little inflatable baby Jesus. I wanted one that was 6 feet tall and had Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three Wise Men and perhaps an animal or two. But I could only ever find the four-foot one which is entirely too small.

Also? I’m usually injured or sore or wounded from bushes by the time we finish the first part of the yard.

Really I’d like to have the plastic light up big ass nativity people but I can only find them on Catholic websites and those Catholics mark their shit up. And then J would have to construct a wood stable and bring in hay and stuff and that seemed hard.

Fortunately, I found a 6 foot tall stable with a big-headed inflatable Jesus and a cow and donkey and stuff AND THEN a separate 6.5 ft tall inflatable with a palm tree that has Mary riding on a donkey and Joseph leading her.

 I’m a little stressed because Mary looks pregnant and then Jesus would be beside her in the stable but hey-I gave birth to a 10 lb baby and left the hospital weighing MORE than I did when I went in. So I’m telling myself Mary took a post-birthing donkey ride to work off some baby fat.

The nativity light spectacular caused this exchange:

Me: “You know what I REALLY want to do?”

J immediately dons a look of horror.

Me: “I don’t know why you look at me that way. This isn’t hard.”

J: “Every time you say that, IT IS hard. And usually unsafe.”

Me: “I just want to turn this side of the yard into a nativity scene and then hang a bunch of strings of lights straight down like they do at the botanical gardens.”

J: “How are we going to get up there? It’s a really tall tree.”

Me: “We’ll figure it out.”

 So I had posted on Facebook, that I was off to purchase a baby Jesus, taxis, white lights and Mary and Joseph. My mother wanted to know why I needed taxis and when I explained I meant tacos and that my phone wouldn’t recognize that as a word she said: “Whew, I envisioned a line of taxis paid for by J driving your friends and relatives passed your house in an effort to beat out the other displays in town.” I reminded her that it wouldn’t be THAT MANY taxis anyways as I don’t like that many people.

That same post led my friend Shawna to think I was going to pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

And my sister to query that if I survived until Thanksgiving, did I want anymore gluten-free pumpkin bread? She wasn’t going to bake if I was going to be dead. Understandable.

Another  fried suggested I do a live nativity but I don’t think I have that kind of attention span to do it nightly for a month and I also don’t know anyone that would let me borrow a baby. (Anyone?)

So I drove around with Jesus and about a 1,000 white lights in the trunk last week. Until my Mr. Christmas Motion Projector arrived Wednesday.

Mary and Joseph who WERE EXPEDITED along with the projector, were no shows. I even chased down the UPS people as they drove back by to have them doublecheck.

Let me just say, if they can’t even get their asses on time when they are paid to be expedited and it took them four days to reach me by truck and/or plane-I understand how they were late enough to NOT get a room at the inn.

BUT the label on the box caused me more stress about Mary appearing pregnant as the display was titled Mary and Joseph journey to Bethlehem.

HOW am I supposed to display them AND the Nativity if they are journeying and, according to the box, she hasn’t given birth yet?

I explained my concerns to J and shared my riding a donkey to work off baby fat theory, at which he looked really confused and then he told me JESUS HAD AN OLDER BROTHER. Which didn’t solve my problem of her journeying while baby Jesus is being looked over by farm animals but it did TOTALLY confuse me about the whole virgin birth thing.

And then I was annoyed and quit talking to him but now I need someone to explain virgin birth if an older brother exists? (I had a friend who decided she was revirginized but I don’t know how I feel about that.) PLEASE internets.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. November 29, 2010 2:01 PM

    Well, Honey, I’m Catholic and I don’t have a clue on this one. Perhaps the Holy Spirit visited Mary twice? But it’s kind of like Prince Harry except in this case, it was the older brother who didn’t count and so no one made any sort of hooplah over the first virgin birth. He probably just died in his sleep since he wasn’t dying for our sins and all.

    And this post is Amyblam perfection hilarious!

    When we used to live in a neighborhood instead of the woods, our neighbors used to gather round with cocktails in hand to watch the fireworks show when my husband and I put up our annual lights, aka as the screamfest.

  2. November 29, 2010 9:52 PM

    yeah, ummm 9 years of christian school and they LOVED to talk about jesus but never mentioned an older brother. no way. he made that up. will we get to see a picture?????

  3. November 30, 2010 6:29 PM

    Um. Now I’m confused too? Huh.

  4. November 30, 2010 6:39 PM

    Baby Jesus always makes me think of Talladega Nights with Will Ferrell!

    I’m confused…I got nothin’ for you on this one. But I do love that you told Facebook you were going to buy Baby Jesus :0)

  5. December 1, 2010 10:27 AM

    The older brother thing is news to me. Then again, I don’t go to church very often.
    ; )

    By the way… “She wasn’t going to bake if I was going to be dead. Understandable.”… Awesome.

  6. December 25, 2010 3:44 PM

    Well, Honey, I’m Catholic and I don’t have a clue on this one. Perhaps the Holy Spirit visited Mary twice? But it’s kind of like Prince Harry except in this case, it was the older brother who didn’t count and so no one made any sort of hooplah over the first virgin birth. He probably just died in his sleep since he wasn’t dying for our sins and all. And this post is Amyblam perfection hilarious! When we used to live in a neighborhood instead of the woods, our neighbors used to gather round with cocktails in hand to watch the fireworks show when my husband and I put up our annual lights, aka as the screamfest.

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