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Why I don’t shop at Wal-Mart…

December 1, 2010

And no, it has nothing to do with political reasons.

I don’t shop at Wal-Mart because I am scared of the people there and they are always out of whatever it is I happen to be looking for. Mainly.

Plus, they carry live fish, tires AND food-that’s just a fucked up combo.

Also? I once caused the end of the world, I mean screwed up all their registers and got yelled at by a manager, when I used the self-checkout. My phone rang as I was swiping my card and in some crazy magic cosmos thing-it locked up all their registers. The manager swore that if your cellphone of doom rings right as you are using your debit card of evil, that the world that is Wal-Mart collapses.

I hold the keys to world domination in a Tory Burch bag. Be afraid peoples.

But anyways-I went there yesterday on a quest for Hard Candy Glamazon lotion for face and body. To start out with, I was confused since I was unaware Hard Candy was no longer “real” makeup carried by places like Sephora.

As bratchild and I are scouring the health and beauty aisle, this little Hispanic man asks me to help him find “concealer sticks for under eyes for his wife.” Ummm…okay.

Him: “I don’t know what is concealer stick.”

Me: “It’s like lipstick. But skin-colored.”

Him: puzzled look. Apparently my answer was NOT helpful. So I took him over to Almay (I LOVE their Smart Shade foundation. Out of all the expensive ones I’ve tried, this $10 one is the best.) I showed him concealer sticks.

Me: “Here, this is what she means.” ( gesturing at ALL the colors.)

He picks up “light” and says this: “Like this?”

Me: “Well, what shade is her skin? Is she fair like me or dark like you?” (I’m freaking Casper and the light would have been too light for ME.)

Him: “Why you got to be all rascist man? You saying I’m dark? That’s not fair.”

Me: “Compared to me? Yes. But it’s not rascist. It’s skin tone. I’d love to be darker. I’m trying to buy lotion to make myself darker.”

He muttered off, glaring at me over his shoulder and clutching concealer for Casper the not so friendly and somewhat bitter ghost.

THIS is why I try not to speak to random people OR be helpful.

After all that? No lotion. I should have known the Wal-Mart where only the Holiness people and long denim skirt folk from across the river shop wouldn’t have something called Glamazon. They are more interested in covering limbs, not so much glamazonizing ANYTHING.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment and obsessed with Christmas decorations, we wondered over to the Christmas Shop area. I found an inflatable I wanted, a six-foot tall tree being decorated by reindeer and other forest friends. Of course, it was also twenty feet in the air.

I ask an employee to help me get it down saying that a ladder will be needed. He seems to think I’m an idiot since he spent 6 minutes looking at the shelf before coming to the conclusion that he “better get a ladder.” (I’m 5’2″. He was shorter than me.)

Now all of the boxes are marked with their height-4ft, 6ft, etc. I described what I wanted and it happened to be the box right in front of his face.

Wal-Mart man: “Wait. Do you want a number 4 or number 6? And which number 6 do you want? For some reason all these different designs are marked number 6.”

I didn’t even bother to explain it to him.

Me: “You know what? That number 6 right in front of your face? Is perfect.”

He hands me the box. Which is incredibly light. Because it’s empty.

Me: “This feels like it’s empty. Perhaps there’s another one?”

Him: “It’s not empty. They don’t weigh much. They’re full of air.”

Me, opening box: “It is empty, I bet it’s the one on display. I’ll look elsewhere.”

I just couldn’t do it. Just like 4 and 6 being the HEIGHT and NOT the style number, I couldn’t explain it. Yes, they are full of air AFTER you purchase them and take them home and FILL THEM WITH AIR. They are NOT full of air and at their full 6 feet height and somehow squished into a tiny 1 square foot box.

MAGICALLY SHRUNKEN WHILE FILLED WITH AIR INFLATABLES  THAT MAGICALLY BECOME FULL-SIZED AT HOME ARE NOT THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

After that? I had to leave. I suppose I’ll have to go to the scary Wal-Mart that’s beside the scary Kroger. Surrounding a surprisingly not scary Cracker Barrel. J thinks Cracker Barrel has an invisible force field.

Does anyone else have Wal-Mart issues?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. Sandy permalink
    December 1, 2010 8:05 AM

    Do I have issues with Walmart? Honestly, I have more issues with the inflatable yard stuff – lol.

  2. Marcie permalink
    December 1, 2010 2:10 PM

    I go to Wal-Mart once a year and each time I reminded of exactly why I REFUSE to go in that place. And the one close to me is the super scary one on Sparkman. I prefer the one on Drake, lol. I made my annual trip there a couple weeks ago for basic sweat pants for me and Ethan. They were out of the sizes I needed in the colors I wanted… SURPRISE. Everyone always tries to tell me how much money I’d save if I’d go there instead of my ghetto Kroger or God forbid… Publix. But I just can’t do it. It’s a wretched, horrible place and my experience is always the same as yours.

  3. December 1, 2010 9:50 PM

    The first time I went to a Wal-Mart, I thought it was heaven on earth. We didn;t have one here, but in Kissimmee, they had one and it was the best place EVER. It’s what I thought Florida was all about. Now I think I have more issues with Wal mart but there isn’t one close enough for me to bother with, so I’m not sure if I care or it’s just too far to bother caring. It is amazing to me how much people will shop there.

  4. December 2, 2010 5:48 AM

    The best part of shopping at Wal Mart? People watching!

    The worst part? Everything else.

  5. December 2, 2010 1:08 PM

    I am just shaking my head at the thought of that man saying it was light because it’s full of air. Haaaa!!! That’s pretty bad. And that concealer man? He needs to get a grip! You went out of your way to explain concealer sticks to him and he got all grumpy. Mmm, mmm, mmmm. As far as the debit card machine & cell phone trick- I never knew about that! I want to try it to see if it works! That’ll make everyone so happy, right?

  6. December 2, 2010 2:01 PM

    Sometimes it just SOUNDS like such a good idea to go there, but then… yeah, going there, not so much. But then, I’m not a big fan of shopping.

    So inflatables? Really? I never really got that until I had kids. Now we do a Light-looking adventure during the holidays and houses with inflatables get a big reaction.

    So how do I integrate GIANT INFLATABLES into my Xmas mix… in my 2 bdrm condo w/ no yard. I suppose I could strap it to the side of the building? would that violate our codes?

  7. December 2, 2010 3:24 PM

    That’s why I shop at our unscary Target.

  8. December 2, 2010 4:35 PM

    The only time we shopt at WalMart is when we are down by the shorehouse. It’s a huge, brand new one and my Nordstrom loving ass hates to admit it, but it’s actually very nice and has really great prices on toiletries and household items.

    However, as is the fate of all WalMarts, it’ regular patrons and staff are scary.

  9. December 3, 2010 7:05 AM

    Cry for me. Target is miles upon miles from my house. I only have a Walmart. Yesterday, I had to go in for the constantly needed poster board that my girls always need. I swear, I buy them in bulk, and they either get smashed because no one in this house besides me puts ANYTHING away or they just disappear into some giant poster board hole. It’s probably the same one that swallows my brushes and my skin’s elasticity. But I digress.

    Yesterday, I realized the good people of Walmart have not gotten the memo from Carson Kressley and Oprah that leggings are NOT pants, but for wearing under things. These Walmart people made my corneas burn because not only were they full of the Santa Claus kind of jiggle, some of them, Lord Help Me, were men. Men in leggings in Walmart. I didn’t think it could get any worse.

  10. December 3, 2010 8:55 AM

    Luckily, my trips to Wal-Mart are usually uneventful. I just keep my head down and keep my eye on the prize. That place is a zoo. If I don’t keep focused I lose my mind and, trust me, I’m not that far from insanity.

  11. December 9, 2010 3:28 PM

    Oh my. Your Walmart experience tops any I can think of. I am just scared of the people there in general. I think they should film The Walking Dead there – they wouldn’t even need makeup (or actors).

  12. December 21, 2010 2:52 PM

    Seriously just laughed until I cried. Especially about the inflatable being light because it’s full of air. I’m still laughing.
    I didn’t know you could “shut down Walmart” with your cell. Our hometown Walmart took the self-check outs away. My sister asked them why and they said, “the people in this town aren’t smart enough to use them.” Seriously? We live in this town, Mr. Wal-mart man. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas shopping away from Walmart.

  13. December 22, 2010 12:01 PM

    That’s why I shop at our unscary Target.

  14. December 23, 2010 6:15 PM

    The only time we shopt at WalMart is when we are down by the shorehouse. It’s a huge, brand new one and my Nordstrom loving ass hates to admit it, but it’s actually very nice and has really great prices on toiletries and household items. However, as is the fate of all WalMarts, it’ regular patrons and staff are scary.

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