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Viva Las idiots

December 16, 2010

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming, sort of.

I have been pretty much completely absent from the internets this week cause the hubs and I have been in Vegas. And because I was busy with holidays and work before we left, I didn’t schedule any blogs to post. Oh, the shame.

So now I’m sitting in the Vegas airport, waiting on a flight while J eats the grossest burritto thing I’ve ever seen and some freaky hippie chick sits across from us-annoying me with her presence. (She’s wearing ripped up jeans, a black lace bra, a tank top with the holes cut down to her hips, red converse and approximately 900 pieces of tie dye accessories. I’m waiting for her bag to explode patchouli everywhere. Even her damn phone has a peace sign on it.)

Also? J says I’m crabby.

Which MIGHT be true but I’m also tickled that in several cases this week, and probably for the first time ever-I have NOT been the problem.

On our way out here, the bathrooms were not functioning on one of the flights we were on. That’s pretty much the WORST idea ever. Now, as someone with every stomach condition imaginable, I can understand the panic this could cause for some people. (But not me in this case as I’ve been good and not eating glutens or fried-ness.) It was a super short forty minute plane and this lady who was chewing her gum like a cow (gum chewing drives me insane. There is no gum in our house) was losing her shit because she couldn’t go to the bathroom.

On planes, when bathrooms aren’t functioning-they lock the doors. Gum lady proceeds to try to yank the door open and then comes back to whine at her husband she can’t open the door. Apparently the locked and occupied slot were too much for her. The sky waitress and gum lady yell a bit and finally they unlock the door and let her in. She was only in there about 8.5 seconds so I can’t IMAGINE what the issue was but, like I said, I’m always tickled when someone else is doing the fit-pitching.

I almost died on an escalator. Oh casinos and the wily ways you try to hide bathrooms so random drunks off the street don’t come in to pee and leave without spending money. I get it. But I WAS spending money so having to machete my way through a rainforest and then up 3 flights of escalators to pee was a bit ridiculous. As I was coming back down a show was letting out so 999 people were ALL using a single escalator.

Cut to the woman in front of me who didn’t tie her shoes and/or lift her feet and therefore got her shoelaces sucked INTO the escalator. Add in 998 people behind me who can’t stop. I ended up with my feet off the ground mushed in between people who couldn’t stop and the dumbass who couldn’t tie her shoes. When I told J what happened, he told me 22 people DIE on escalators a year. I was almost a statistic. My favorite part? The lady got pissed at ALL of us.

More people die per year from toasters than sharks. And possibly escalators.

I’m pretty sure these people stalk me. Yesterday we were having breakfast and the couple next to us were having a breakfast photo shoot. For real. She took 17 photos of herself with her camera. While he watched. THEN she started posing and pretending to drink orange juice and acted like she was eating pastries. She took 12 shots like this. What the hell? Actual eating and drinking aren’t cute?

In addition to the dirty fucking hippie, there’s a foreign lady losing her mind a gate over from us. The plane boarded. She got off. She came back a few minutes before departure and the gates were shut. They won’t let her back on. So she’s screaming at people, at people via cell phone. The sky waitress is all, ummm why would you get off a departing plane? Valid point.

I WAS pulled out during security and selected for the body scan thing. I thought it was just because some pervert wanted to see my nipples and I was too tired to care but then after the scan they made me stand still on a mat with my feet IN the footprints (no moving allowed) while a security chick stared at me.

I don’t know about you guys-but it’s pretty awkward to be face to face with someone you don’t know with only about a foot of space between you. Finally she barked into her earpiece, “THE Female is secure. Repeat. The Female is secured and cleared.”

At this point, I was trying to decide if I was a terrorist and had forgotten about it, a la a Manchurian Candidate type thing.

Anyhoo-hope you’re all well. I’m hopping on a plane and will be back tomorrow with flip-offs.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 16, 2010 5:41 PM

    Maybe the picture taking breakfast lady was a blogger – hee hee!

  2. December 16, 2010 9:30 PM

    i couldn’t really get past the grossest burrito thingy.

    Secure female, you.

    (ps not doing a friday flip off linky til next year but i’m pretty sure you’ll have a good list after this trip)

  3. December 17, 2010 8:48 PM

    I actually have a small fear of my shoelaces, or some part of my shoe, getting caught on an escalator and now you’ve added proof that this can happen. uh oh

  4. December 19, 2010 4:35 PM

    I’m pretty terrified of an incident on an escalator so I probably would have lost it on shoelace lady. And to get upset with the people behind here?? She’s got some nerve!

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