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Christmas Convos: Zombies. Booze. Yamakas. Money Laundering.

December 23, 2010

Here’s some snippets of Christmas cheer, enjoy!

I picked up some stuff for mom using her credit card, she gets a senior discount. When the sales lady reminded me of that, I said, “Oh yeah! Mom’s old.” When I told mom this, she didn’t think it was funny. She’s now referring to me as the “mother of her granddaughter.” Which I think is SUPER funny.

J and I have been watching The Walking Dead, he’s always prepping for the zombie apocalypse, I re-read The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Moore (my fave Christmas book) and we watched an episode of Supernatural where family members were returning from the dead being pleasant before “going bad” and eating their loved ones.

Zombies are on our brains. Ha.

While watching Supernatural:

Me: “If I come back from the dead, please go ahead and take me out. Don’t wait to see if I go bad.”
J: “Baby, it’s already taken care of. Shot to the head.”
Me: “Thanks. That means a lot. I don’t want to be a zombie.”
J: “If you are already dead and come back as a zombie and kill yourself to keep from hurting people-is that suicide? Are you still going to hell?”
Me: “Please write the Pope and ask him. Don’t tell him I’m Episcopalian. That might bias him.”

At PetSmart today, buying Christmas gifts for the dogs:

Me: “Lulu and Clifford are getting hedgehogs wearing Santa hats. Lulu’s has eyelashes and pink toe-claws. Lady and Bishop are getting these long puppies. One is a nutcracker and one is Santa. I wanted to buy the blue one  because I think they like that color best but then I realized it’s wearing a yamaka and carrying a dreidel and that seemed wrong.”
J: “Why?”
Me: “Well, I don’t think Christians would appreciate it if people were giving dogs chew puppies dressed as Baby Jesus. So I don’t feel it’s right to let dogs chew on their religious symbols.”

While I was wrapping Christmas gifts and half-watching Brooklyn’s Finest:

Me: “J, why would someone iron money?”
J: “You mean launder money?”
Me: “No. I’m not stupid. Iron money. This chick in a bra and underwear is ironing money. How do you launder money anyways?”
J: “In the dishwasher.”
Me: “Really?”
J: “No.”

While discussing booze for tonight:

Me: “Sigh. I have to drink a lot at my sisters tonight.”
J: “Why?”
Me: “To bother her mother in law. I’m helpful like that.”
J: “Ummm…okay. What are you drinking?”
Me: “I don’t know. Red wine? Margaritas? Muscato? Ooh! Maybe you should bring deathmix, is that too much for a Christmas party? Or just traumatizing enough?”
J: “God bless everyone.”
Me: “It’s a shame we don’t have any moonshine.”

While writing this post and watching Christmas Cupid:

J: “Are you watching The Simpsons without me?”
Me: “No. I’m watching Christmas Cupid. It’s kind of like A Christmas Carol but with no Scrooge and a chick that pole dances and drinks a lot.”
J: “Any nudity?”
Me: “No.”  Exit J. Stage left.

So I’ve blogged every day this week. It’s like the 12 days of Christmas…except there are only four. And technically the 12 days of Christmas START on Christmas, right?

Are you ready for the big day? Any Christmas Eve-Eve plans?

P.S. WordPress is clearly not Jewish. They tried to change yamaka to Yamaha and dreidel to dreaded.

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. December 23, 2010 9:44 AM

    Your family dynamic fascinates me. haha Seriously, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  2. December 24, 2010 2:51 PM

    Busted out on the changing yamakah to yamaha.

    Clearly, spellcheck not Jewish.

    Merry Christmas to a lady who makes me laugh out loud.

    And not the fake LOL computer kind.


  3. December 27, 2010 12:37 AM

    Oh my God this was funny! Girl, where you been my whole life! Really love J. too….sounds like my husband and him could exit stage left together.

  4. mairzeebp permalink
    December 27, 2010 9:28 AM

    I laughed constantly throughout this post. You are funny, smart, sarcastic…translation, perfect! I’m sorry I’ve missed so many posts. I should have known reading your stuff would have lifted my bah humbug and gotten me back in the spirit. I”ll have to put a reminder in my blackberry…um, once I figure out how. Yamaka to Yamaha…LOVE it.

  5. December 28, 2010 9:43 AM

    This was funny! I love the conversations. You had a great point about the Jewish symbols as dog chew toys. Ha! It sounds like you and J have a great relationship. Keeping things light and funny is the only way to do it!

  6. December 29, 2010 12:48 PM

    The impending zombie apocalypse keeps me up at night sometimes. It’s coming, I’m just waiting for it. With my 12 gauge at my side.

    Also, I remember the first time I called my mom old. Not only did she not speak to me for a week, she also demoted me and promoted my older brother to the rank of Favorite Daughter. My other two sisters lost that rank long ago.

  7. December 29, 2010 4:29 PM

    I prefer The Walking Dead comics over the series but as for the question, I don’t think it counts as suicide if you’ve been zombified.

  8. December 29, 2010 9:32 PM

    Matt and I are so ready for the zombie apocalypse. If you and the hubby are ever on the run, you’re always welcome to hang out in our stocked cellar.

    Note to self: find a cellar and stock it.

  9. December 30, 2010 3:10 PM

    I sincerely love that you try to annoy your sisters mother in law! I am usually kind to my sister in laws mother in law (get that?) but this year she totally messed with me. So we’re done with that whole thing. Instead I began telling stories of how ‘black people’ (her word) are just like ‘us’ — because she’s really, really, really racist. Fair, no? And the naked people? LOVE it. My husband would have left as well. We can only hold their attention for so long. Have a great New Year!

  10. January 2, 2011 1:14 PM

    You crack me up! So glad you made a pre-empted decision on the whole zombie coming back to life thing. My hubbie and I should do the same. You just never know. Another good decision on the chew toy, as well, though I do feel sorry for Santa!

    Have a great 2011.

  11. January 3, 2011 3:00 PM

    LMAO at the WordPress spellcheck :p That’s hysterical. I know I’m late but I hope you had a very merry Christmas!

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