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The Victoria’s Secret Sale, aka the 5th horseman of the apocalypse

January 5, 2011

Monday night, I was surfing the webs, watching the news and thinking.

This is never a good combo.

Combine that with me having an overactive imagination, random end of the world fears and a whole lot of Supernatural episodes and you can understand my fear of the possibly pending apocalypse.

So color me unhappy and quivering in a closet when I heard that on New Year’s Eve THOUSANDS of birds fell from the sky and then earlier this week? About 500 were found dead on a Louisiana highway.

And all the people with science smarticles? Don’t have a clue.

THEN I find out there’s been about 90 mass bird deaths since June. This is why the internets are dangerous.

Couple that with about 80,000 fish popping up dead, also in Arkansas, and it’s downright spooky. Ummm…if I lived in Arkansas I’d be searching for a hellmouth. For sure.

AND THEN I find out that frogs covered roadways in Greece a couple months ago and locusts have been an issue in China. And lest we forget the bee decline that would apparently end life as we know it.

Currently, my fear of electromagnetic pulses and solar flares are on the back burner. (This is also why we should have a child lock on the Science channel and any channel that shows Nicolas Cage movies.)

Monday night, J and I discussed the coming end.

Me: “So apparently the end is nigh and all that.”
J: “Nah, I think it was the hurricanes. They lifted up the fish from the water, spun them around and it killed them.”
Me: “Ummm…no. The world is ending. Like there’s been locusts and frogs and dead birds and fish. I think that’s bad.”
J: “The apocalypse has been coming forever.”
Me: “Not helpful.”
J: “Well, it’s not coming soon. It will take a couple billion years.”
Me: “How do you know this?”
J: “It took seven days for God to create the world and one was rest. So if you divide billions of years by 7, then it will take billions of years for the world to end. It’s been on His to do list for awhile.”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t follow.”

Immediately after this conversation, one of the final signs of the apocalypse rode onto my TV in satin crotch-less panties. The final harbinger if you will, on a blush and bashful striped horse. The little known 5th horseman of the apocalypse; the Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale.

The Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale is a wily, wicked thing. Different prices online and in stores, various selections, lack of sizes, ridiculous people, the impossible task of finding a matching bra and panty set, the works. (Sidenote: If during the clearance sale you have millions of extra smalls, hundreds of smalls and then miniscule numbers of mediums and larges-you are not stocking to your market. Thanks.)

Perhaps the biggest clue that they’re the bastard brother of the other horseman? They’re coyly disguising themselves as angels. You have to question anybody that harps on a description as much as the VS folks do. They even try to convince everyone else they can be angels with the right bra and pair of thigh high hose. It’s downright despicable.

Yet at 8 a.m., I was right out there hopping on the pony and diving into the fray.

I went to the closest VS first because obviously I’m lazy and since I prefer not to be out of bed and/or dressed prior to 9 a.m.-being out of the house was really something special.

And wouldn’t you know, the Whore of Babylon was there with her satan spawn pissing me off the whole time. What is it with shoppers that have to be on top of you?

I’m a 38D, your breasts are so small they’re concave. You’re a zero, I’m…not. Considering the sale is divided by size, there is no reason for you to be breathing down my neck and sitting in my lap; so close, in fact, that you are whapping me with your shopping tote and your elbow grazed my breasteses. More than once.

And that Satan spawn of which I spoke. You’re lucky the hellhounds employed by Victoria’s Secret, aka VS, aka Very Satanic, did not eat your precious bundle of hellfire that was whining, screaming, opening every drawer and throwing items on the floor.

Parenting tip? When your child is bad-you leave. I’ve had food wrapped up at restaurants, left full carts at Target, passed up on fabulous sparkly shoes. And bratchild is a good kid. You don;t reinforce bad behavior. There’s nothing worth staying in public with a misbehaving child. Except maybe two-ply cashmere sweaters on sale for $10. (Seriously, it takes one goat like four years to produce enough hair for ONE sweater. True.)

Plus? The “angels” are so damn perky that it can only can from a place of evil. As I entered the store bleary-eyed and non-caffeinated-I did not need you to bound over and tell me your sale had started. No shit. That’s why you opened two hours early, there are signs in the window and I’m not at home watching Veronica Mars.

I view my utter lack of the perk as a sign of my lack of evil. Perky is deceptive. The other day a girl asked me if I was ever a cheerleader. No, I think I lack that gene. I DID try out for soccer wrestling cheerleading because their outfits were cuter AND they SAT DOWN for their cheers. If that’s not the most unperktastic thing ever…

To fully express your evilness, you tried to sell me lickable massage honey and edible body powder. How do they KNOW that being sticky is like my own personal 7th circle of hell? Not cool you hellhounds posing as angels of light and love.

What’s your own personal sign of the apocalypse? Did you shop the sale? What random fear has you running for the basement? At least play along so I can pretend I’m not totally crazy…please?


 © Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. January 5, 2011 6:32 AM

    Amyblam,

    We are one and the same, except for the big ta-ta’s, sadly.

    I HATE those shoppers who feel the need to shop on top of me. Ga! Is there anything worse or ruder? Why have these women never learned shopping etiquette and the personal body space shopping rule?

    I’m worried about the birds, too. Because that’s just my luck, you know. I’m going to get a book deal and that will be the day the world ends.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      January 6, 2011 9:39 PM

      I’ve held off on my resolutions…just in case. Don’t want to waste all that time to be taken out by a solar flare or swarm of locusts…oar any grass. Think that’s what it was in the awful movie The Happening.

  2. January 5, 2011 9:25 AM

    My husband was wrong 5 times, in a row, on Christmas morning, admitted it (I KNOW) then the oven broke in the middle of baking all my home made appetizers, while my mother in law stood there and repeated ‘well it SAYS 350’ for 30 minutes. After retreating to my room for a good sob, I grabbed a glass – or 5 — of wine and enjoyed the rest of the day. My husband actually said, “I was wrong. 5 times. And admit it. End times are coming.” I toasted him and flipped through the 2 weight loss magazines he’d put in my stockings. 🙂

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      January 6, 2011 9:38 PM

      You should maybe be looking into some sort of bunker or something.

  3. January 5, 2011 9:40 AM

    #1 do not invade my personal space while shopping

    #2 leave with your screaming child. thank you.

    #3 every VS only has XS’s left. Ever!

  4. January 5, 2011 9:57 AM

    My girls don’t need the VS Sale anymore. Damn kids ruined the boobs too.

  5. January 5, 2011 12:01 PM

    F the VS sale. The stuff I need/want/like is never on sale anyway. I much prefer the clearance catalog they send in the mail, so I can get a pair of their totally awesome pants for like $15. Funny thing is – the catalog is like the opposite of the store – all they have left is L and XL.

    As far as the apocalypse – now you have me all freaked out. I knew about the birds and fish in Arkansas, but I didn’t know about the rest of this crap. Super!

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      January 6, 2011 9:37 PM

      Pretty soon I am going to be in a box blocked from all tv, radio, internet access…

  6. January 5, 2011 12:23 PM

    Thank you for being a parent with sense. I hate watching kids have a MELT DOWN of Epic Proprotions in the middle of a store or restaurant and their parents go along — very, very few things are so important that you need to keep your child in public when it’s being dastardly.

    Also, YES, whyyyy does VS only stock things for the Itty Bitty Titty Committee and then people like you and me have to do an intense search and rescue mission to the back of the rack to find one (ONE!) suitable thing!

    Also, leopard print anything is OVER-RATED.

  7. January 5, 2011 8:50 PM

    I think it all stems from their stupid drawers. Why did we ever fall for that crap? The bring us into a soft, velvet “bedroom” with lots of bureaus and we have to paw the through the bureaus looking for what we want. And then we can’t find it! What the hell kind of marketing ploy was that? No other store asks us to do that. Except the freezer part of the grocery, but they can’t help that. You have to reach in and get what you need or it would all be melted. But really, bras in someone else’s drawers? Order online and let them search their own damned drawers!!

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      January 6, 2011 9:36 PM

      I totally crawled under a shelf into the big cooler at Sam’s the other day to get a undented, far from expiring milk from the very back. I don’t want to do that with bras too. Jeez.

  8. January 6, 2011 7:36 AM

    Sweet angels of mercy this is hysterical. Totally with you on the rude kids. Get the hell out!

    I’m SO not a size xs or s. They’re always chuck full of styles and colors in those sizes. Dummies.

  9. January 6, 2011 1:22 PM

    Yea, I saw those advertisements but I haven’t made it out to the VS just yet. Because the last time there was a semi-annual sale I was fighting for the boy shorts. And honestly? It’s not how I want to die. Why can’t they ever stock properly??

    I think the end is also nigh. Birds falling out of the sky seems very “Magnolia” to me. Have you seen it? It’s pretty amazing and there’s a connection there to falling birds, I swear (but in the movie, it’s actually frogs). Anyhoo…

    Also, everytime I read “satan spawn” I kept saying “satin spawn.” ‘Cause I’m a spazz who can’t read.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      January 6, 2011 9:32 PM

      Satin, satin…tomato, tomatoe. They have their similarities. I actually saw that movie on one of the worst dates ever. I was so annoyed that I was driving erratically and got pulled over for a dui test-hadn’t had a drink in days!

  10. January 6, 2011 1:59 PM

    There is a reason some species eat their young.

  11. January 7, 2011 8:51 PM

    I try very hard not to watch the news, because the images of the end of the world coming? Whether it is images of war or dead birds or hurricanes or Hugh Hefner remarrying? I just get all disturbed and annoyed and stressed. If the end of the world is coming and there is nothing I can do about it but worry?

    I would rather not know about the end of the world.

    Saves on worrying.

    As for Victoria’s Secret.

    I hate shopping. I hate shopping for bras. I do not wear underwear unless it is required (and you know what I mean). The allure of Victoria’s Secret is COMPLETELY lost on me. I do not get it at all.

    So no . . . I was not at the sale.

    I am never at a sale.

    Ack.

  12. mairzeebp permalink
    January 15, 2011 10:26 AM

    I will not shop that sale. I am not a small and I will not be made to feel like some kind of moose as I try to squeeze myself past all of the tables of tiny women just to get to the one bin of large panties that has three thongs in it that look like they have been curled in a ball in the corner. They probably have been, hiding and cowering from the chaos that has been happening all around them. Poor things. I buy them just to keep them safe in a drawer. I never wear them. There’s no way I’d shove anything with a sequin up into my tookus. Not happening. Turned on the side, those suckers could cut glass.

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