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Tory Burch shouldn’t go to the Occupational Health Center

February 9, 2011

In this little version of never have I ever-let’s do a round of never have I ever taken a drug test. Annnnnddddd…drink. Okay, sipped my Shiraz. You? (It doesn’t have to be Shiraz, it IS morning for many of you reading this.)

(Confession: I can’t remember if you’re supposed to drink if you HAVE or HAVEN’T done whatever it is. Silly drinking games. Anyone know?)

Anysip…I never had taken a drug test until a few weeks ago until my status at work went from freelancer to, like Pinocchio, a real boy-um, person? Employee?

So one wintry morning, I hiked, well drove, my behind to The Occupational Health Center.

To provide a visual, I was wearing Ann Taylor brown trousers, and a taupe shell with swing cardigan-both accented with a shower of bronze sequin sparkles. Leopard print kitten heels and a caramel color Tory Burch bag embellished with gold studs topped off the look. Oh, and a camel coat. Obviously. Reference winter morning.

I honestly thought the place was going to be like any normal, nice, well-appointed doctor’s office with magazines and soft chairs and carpeting and plants.

Or? Not.

It was antiseptic and linoleum and hard chairs and the receptionists were behind glass and I’m pretty sure one or two people were wearing Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan ankle bracelets. It would seem, they are the chic accessory for this joint.

After waiting forever and watching a guy run out with a sackful of pills (I thought this place was to make sure people WEREN’T on pills) I texted my hubs. Who laughed.

No, he didn’t type lol-I could tell through his text verbage that he was laughing at me. I told him the place was interesting and some of the people there were…questionable.

J told me quite a few of the people there were probably on a court order. Oh goodie.

They finally called me back and with the way they were acting, I was expecting a full body cavity search. Like any normal airport security search these days.

This is the conversation in the back room:
Nice drug test lady: “Okay, you need to leave your purse and your coat and let us check your pockets.”
Me: “Um, these pants don’t have pockets.”
NDTL: “Let me see.”
Me: “No really, they’re tailored Ann Taylor dress pants-no pockets.”
NDTL: patting down my hips “You’re right. Okay-hang your coat and you can leave your purse on the counter.”
(There were lots of people milling around.)
Me: “With my wallet and phone and everything? Is that a good idea?”
NDTL: “Well, you can’t take it with you.”
Me: “But this is a Tory Burch handbag. And you want me to put it in a pile of sweaty ball caps?”
NDTL: “Oh her stuff is nice, it’s at Kmart, right? With that nice Jaclyn Smith.”
Me: (I have nothing against Kmart or Jaclyn Smith.) “No, she was never one of Charlie’s Angels.” (Reluctantly set purse down.)
NDTL: “Okay, pee in the cup to the line and don’t flush.”
Me: “Don’t flush? I don’t know if I can NOT not flush-it’s sort of an instinct.” (Unless I’m at home and it’s nighttime and I obviously can’t flush because with the flushing sound and leaping on the bed from several feet away, I would NEVER hear if little Gage was under the bed waiting to slash my ankles.)
NDTL: “When it sounds like you’re finishing up, I’ll holler through the door and remind you. Don’t use toilet paper either.”

Surprisingly I made it out alive. With my Charlie’s Angels handbag. And-I passed the drug test. Not a surprise but I’m a little bummed to know that as a freelancer I had the option to be an addict.

My mother, who used to be a drug and alcohol rehab counselor, didn’t feel the need to tell me what to expect and neither did my husband, who has to take drug tests for work occasionally.

A co-worker explained all the regulations were in place so I couldn’t cheat. You know, by using someone else’s urine or something. Perhaps by putting it in my purse in a hairspray container? Like I would put urine in my Tory Burch bag.

The whole experience made me feel dirty and even though, I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong-I was still nervous.

Want to calm my nerves? Please take two seconds to click the brown box with the cartoon lady-yes, the one over on the right, to vote for me.

Any of you ever taken a drug test? I’ve also heard there’s crazy stories about people trying to cheat. Got any of those?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Kristy Schuerer permalink
    February 9, 2011 4:37 PM

    Why couldn’t you use toilet paper?

  2. February 9, 2011 7:56 PM

    Ok, I LOVE you because you referenced Gage of “Pet Sematary” fame. We MAY be the only 2 people who actually saw that flick. You know that, right?

    I took a drug test prior to going back to work and I totally messed up. I flushed. Big no-no. And the “large and in charge” humorless nurse was none too happy with me. BUT by the grace of Grace (that was her name) I didn’t have to come back. She hated me and my attempts at humor. She didn’t appreciate my quips or jokes and clearly really didn’t want to deal with me again. Why? I was dressed a lot like you…except I was carrying Louis Vuitton. Come to think of it, maybe she just hated Louis Vuitton?

  3. February 9, 2011 8:23 PM

    I’m sorry. “Anysip”

    genius.

    I’ve never had to take a drug test. Probably a good thing.

  4. February 10, 2011 6:44 AM

    you are the sunshine in my morning! I will be laughing about this all day!

  5. February 10, 2011 11:13 AM

    why couldn’t you flush? Ew!

  6. February 10, 2011 12:40 PM

    ugh. gross. It would have totally scheeved me out to place my precious Coach bag down anywhere in that place. I have to say your mom really got you by now warning you in advance. haha

  7. February 10, 2011 1:25 PM

    So, I had to take a drug test once, too. (Required for work.) It was my first time peeing in a cup. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to pee, so I drank A LOT and held the need to pee until I got there.

    She said pee in the cup.

    I peed in the cup.

    TO THE TOP.

    Some urine might’ve spilled on her hand.

  8. Gia permalink
    February 10, 2011 5:16 PM

    I’ve never taken one but your line of “No. She was never one of Charlie’s Angels” totalllllly cracked me up! At least its done and over with girl…! 🙂

  9. February 11, 2011 8:29 AM

    Pet Cemetary scared the crap out of me – a big group of us saw it on opening night after a prom. And, yes, we all showed up in the Limo wearing our dresses and tuxedos. I am still laughing out loud at your Charlie’s Angels reference.

    – Emily

  10. February 11, 2011 3:13 PM

    Never had the privilege of taking a drug test. But now I know what to expect.

  11. February 13, 2011 6:19 PM

    Eww and LOL at Miel Abeille’s comment.

    Few things here that I’m not understanding myself either (and I have never had to take a drug test, but thanks for letting me know what to expect!). What’s with the no-flush rule? Or not being able to use toilet paper??

    Weird.

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