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My personal circles of hell. Slightly perkier than Dante’s. Maybe.

February 27, 2011

 “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

Huh. We may have a new tagline for the blog.

Anysin. I’m crampy and migrainey and watching the Oscars which for some reason has me thinking of things that annoy me. (I think that makes me 2.5 of the 7 dwarfs tonight.)

So, not unlike Dante, here’s my pet peeve list. My own circles of hell. They’re in order of increasing wickedness, uh annoyingness. (Except Dante’s WERE real sins and stuff, though many of mine SHOULD be.)

1. Heel stomping-to start us on our journey into Hell’s depths and our little visit with Satan-I’m starting with women who stomp like Clydesdales. If you can’t walk, don’t. I thought the 150 plus year old church was going to collapse this morning from the heel stomping. Jaysus-it wasn’t a hoedown people. There was no clogging.

2. Blinker usage-in the Rocket City, using blinkers IS rocket science so it’s apropros to guide us as we cross the river Styx. Charon doesn’t need blinkers…and neither does anyone here. In fact, if you use them people assume you’re lying and become quite indignant when you move in the direction you were indicating.

3. Inferno…fires of hell…disco inferno…dancing…dance remixes. Damn dance remixes! It’s just wrong to see some old drunk thrusting his jiggly bits about to a “dance” version of a Sarah McLachlan song. 

4. Forks dragging across teeth. I don’t know about you but THAT sound makes me want to drag people to hell.

5. Panty lines. As we all know I am all about the granny panty. I Lurrvvvveee them. For sleeping. Or jeans. Not for party frocks and nice pants. Nothing makes an expensive outfit, or any outfit, look as cheap as a puckered band across your ass where your old ass granny panties are. In my hell? After I travel there in my monogrammed sparkle handbasket with pockets for wine and snacks? They will confiscate my granny panties and make me wear scratchy thongs. I’d claw at passerbys too if I was trying to yank their comfy panties off.

6. Pen clickers-If you want to torture me for eternity? Don’t have me push a boulder up a hill-sit me in a room with a bunch of pen clicker/nail tapper/seat kicker people. You know who you are. Like Roseanne Barr in that fine, fine film of cinematic greatness, “She-Devil,” you’re the devil in disguise.

7. The people responsible for perfume “samples” in magazines. It’s not bad enough that you screw up how the magazine lays and opens with your stiff paper but THEN? Then? You make me smell like Britney Spears.  I’m not Curious about your Fantasy and I don’t want to be in your Circus-OR smell like you’re panty-less weave-wearing self. Just no. You give me the type of headache akin to what would be the result of a night out with Lindsay Lohan. I don’t need to get that from sitting on my couch. Though less chance of jail time in my home…

8. Gum chewing. It’s enough to drive me mad. That’s why you’re so close to Satan-so close, in fact, that you gum chewers are HIS SPAWN. It’s gross. It’s loud. It’s annoying. And then half the time, you’re so damn guilty of sloth you just spit your gum out where people can step in it. My shoes hate you too. Think about how many of the Seven Deadly Sins you’re committing the next time you shove a weird wad of sugar in your mouth. And smack on it like a cow. It’s a mild form of bestiality which though not specifically named as a sin is forbidden somewhere in the Bible.

9. Spitting. It’s not coincidence that Spitting and Satan both start with S. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE THE SAME THING/PERSON/ENTITY/WHATEVER. (Though you’re closely tied with people that walk around with toothpicks sticking out of their mouths and TALK TO YOU. But that starts with T rather than S so it lost out.) I can’t STAND people who walk around and spit…in public…where people walk. Think about it. Tiger Woods recently got in trouble for spitting. Does ANYONE want to emulate anything he does. Okay. Probably the same people that spit.

Well, now that a kidnapper would know exactly how to torture me to learn state secrets-what annoys you?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

 

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 28, 2011 7:10 AM

    SO FUNNY!!!

  2. February 28, 2011 7:11 PM

    I think for me to start listing pet peeves would be like opening Pandora’s Box or the gates to hell. I’m better off keeping that crap bottled up…and stuffed down…way, way down. Suppressed and repressed. Under lock and key. Then, rather than thinking about all of those things that upset me? Bother me? Irritate me? I just paint on a big ole’ smile and go about my business… a la June Cleaver. (Except that I don’t wear pearls with my dress and high heels when I do housework). In short (or not so short…sorry) I just ignore all of the negative feelings… and the voices…

    By the way? I’m chewing gum, spitting and clicking a pen while I comment. Hope that’s okay with you 😉 But I definitely do NOT have panty lines! I’m ALL about my thong!

  3. March 7, 2011 9:12 AM

    I am a pen clicker, so it seems I am doomed to annoy you. If you would like to annoy me, drive really slow. During rush hour!!! Oh how I hate slow morning drivers. Also, be a size 0 and complain about your fatness. Or be a marathon runner and moan about how you “only” ran 5 miles this morning. Or judge me for eating my hot fudge sundae.

    I am dieting. Can you tell from the food obsession?

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