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Still illegal. And hauling bodies.

March 9, 2011

Okay. I’m NOT actually hauling bodies right this second but I MAY have a plan in place should the need arise.

On the first topic, I am still illegal. Currently, I am wondering if there are plans to deport me. Based on the craptastic weather, I would be okay with being removed from the US and sent to a warm, tropical island somewhere. Fingers crossed.

If I fail to be deported between now and Friday am, I will be prepared for battle with the IRS-which a friend just told me is a lot like the Occupational Health Office, and we all know how well that went.

I have a new, old, Landcruiser. J bought it and I stole it which worked out unfortunately with the whole lady plus dogs plus driving on the wrong side of the road at 7 am snafu. I was especially excited about its humungousness and it’s very large, very sturdy metal/iron bumper. I told J if I swiped a pole or something it wouldn’t damage my car at all…nor would running over my annoyances. And since its big and loud, I think it would muffle their screams and pleas for mercy. Bonus.

But then he gave me some spiel about great power coming with great responsibility. I’m pretty sure he ripped it off from some movie.

ANYdriving, he’s been trying to teach me about all wheel drive. 4 wheel drive mode, overdrive and different gears (in an automatic I honestly thought there was no use for anything other than P,R and D.) I guess I’d been driving in Overdrive so he was trying to show me what it did to the car.

Yeah. I still don’t understand. But he told me not to use it unless I was towing something:

J: You really don’t need to use it EVER unless you were towing a boat or something.
Me: We don’t have a boat.
J: Exactly.
Me: Would you use it if you were carting a bunch of bodies in the back?
J: Not unless you were carting, say, 50 bodies.
Me: What if they were really big people? Could you get away with less?
J: It would have to be a lot. And you’d only need Overdrive if you still needed to go highway speeds.
Me: Obviously if I have a bunch of bodies in the back, it’s not like I am going to be moving slowly.
J: No, you won’t need Overdrive to haul bodies. Unless you have enough to need to tow them.

(This may not be his exact wording. He always says I misquote him. I told him to start his own blog.)

Since my day started off with this tweet: Dear Twitter, grant me the strength to not stab, bless their little black hearts, people who are trying to be helpful. And earlier in the week I said I needed a clean tarp, I’m surprised J wasn’t more alarmed with the body hauling conversation.

He knows I’m too lazy to ever actually kill someone. And I don’t like to be messy. Or sticky. BUT since I’m so OCD, it’s always good to have options…

I’m off to bed. Radio show in the am and I am WIPED out from two days of working on the spring fashion shoot. But the pics are going to be amazing. And, if it wasn’t already obvious I live in the South, the other day my Landcruiser was hauling a ton of Lilly Pulitzer and…bullets.

How’s your week? What’s made you stabby?

© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 10, 2011 9:29 AM

    The #1 thing that has made me stabby would be my clients expecting me to turn work around at the drop of a hat. Hello? I can’t shit magic people. I am a new mom just freshly back to work and I don’t have the energy (after random 3am feeds) to deal with your crap.
    There isn’t enough coffee or chardonney to make me like people. That’s just the truth.

  2. March 10, 2011 8:46 PM

    Hmm, my on house driving expert says you should NEVER tow while in overdrive. It is for use on the highway without towing. Maybe we should introduce them and then should have a deal.

  3. March 11, 2011 5:18 PM

    I think I just peed myself laughing. Between the “illegal alien” part and the driving thing, I’ve quite literally got a pain in my side from laughing too hard!

  4. March 12, 2011 7:30 PM

    Oh my gawd, girly. You crack my shizz up. Love your convo with J. Congrats on the new wheels!

  5. March 14, 2011 9:10 PM

    ok “what makes you stabby?”
    there are not enough pages on the interwebs.
    that said.
    miss you 😉

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