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Who leaves oatmeal in a microwave for two weeks?

April 18, 2011

Before I answer the question posed by the title, I would like to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who voted. Think I ended up 28thish BUT since everyone was so awesome, I decided to go ahead and give away the bracelet. I made bratchild draw a winner and Breann is the winner! (shoot me an email with your address.)

On to the fun stuff, like congealed and stinky oatmeal. Sooooo…we decided to buy a new house. Actually, my sister and husband decided to buy a new house. That sounds awkward. Not for THEM-for us…me and J and bratchild. (J didn’t want to tell me right away because he thought, for some inexplicable reason, that I would get spastic and OCD)

I HONESTLY thought this would be easy. As in we made an offer not contingent on the sale of our house since we were going to move and THEN list our house. Because despite me being an Episcopalian since I was just a sperm and an egg, I am pretty sure sellers would think I was some type of satanic witch between the day of the dead tiny altars, the witch balls and the poison jugs. The random Virgin Mary things only add to the confusion. As does the plastic holy family behind our front bushes.

Sooooo…we ended up agreeing to asking price with them covering closing AND the whole shebang merely being contingent on the inspection. We wanted to close May 2. They wanted to close May 2 and stay in the house till the end of June. Um…I’m totally not owning a house and having squatters so we agreed on closing May 31-if WE HADN’T THEY WERE GOING TO WALK AWAY. Because they are insane and clearly don’t watch tv and are not familiar with the economy.

Two weeks ago, we looked at the house with my parents. My mother, I had always wondered who does this, opened the microwave and the oven. Then my mother tried to make me feel bad for making the lady run out so fast she left her oatmeal breakfast in the microwave. (It was 1 p.m. Even I eat breakfast prior to then.)

Then, we went back with the inspector a weekish later. Who also found oatmeal in the microwave. The SAME BOWL as our previous visit. Just slightly lumpier and stinkier-but not as bad as one would think. Mom always told me to store bread in the microwave-I guess they think  it does wonders for preserving milk as well.

The house is pretty much move-in ready but these people have done some wacky shit. They painted all of the rooms a non-offensive, if boring, cream color EXCEPT the dining room. That dining room is wallpapered in a weird shiny gold and brown swirly paper. Imagine a monkey had diarrhea, ate gold-leaf and smeared it on the walls. That’s the wallpaper. It’s “matched” with a mauvey shit brown carpet. All other carpet is cream. Go figure.

They had a new roof put on-but didn’t replace the rotten chimney casing. Rather than plug a lamp into the outlet two inches from it-they ran the cord to an outlet UNDER an area rug and ran the wire below the outlet. The carpet was black around it and I’m convinced it’s not so much dirt but ash from when that crazy shit caught on fire.

There’s some other random crap but nothing unbearable. Some cracks that our inspector suggested we have a structural dude look at.

We met Bert the structural dude today, no Ernie, but Bert was lovely. The owners told us he had done some minor repair in 2004. What they didn’t tell us was he had done an estimate, in December of 2010, for other repairs that were needed. Seven THOUSAND dollars worth of repairs. Because in 2004 instead of following the recommended repairs of replacing the piers (not like at the beach) for $1000 a pier, they did the half-ass levelling at $150 a pier. Which didn’t take.

I got bored while they were discussing this and went and measured the bathroom because I have picked out crown wallpaper that comes with attachable jewels and was created in honor of Wills and Kate’s wedding. J was all annoyed and like, “Really? The house has structural issues and you’re measuring for sparkle crown wallpaper?” I didn’t feel the need to point out that I was ALSO measuring for a cherry blossom branch mural I wanted to put in the foyer.

So, we’ll see. We have been dealing with this for four weeks, which is why I have been MIA. I’m pretty pissed they’ve jerked us around for this long when they KNEW there was an issue.

For those playing along at home, yes, I checked the microwave when we were there today and the oatmeal is STILL living there.

I am currently wishing for the ability to drop houses on people a la The Wizard of Oz but I seriously doubt these jerkholes have cute, sparkle shoes. I’d also be okay with being able to make one fall out from underneath them. Sigh.

Other than me not telling you guys, WHY DID NO ONE INFORM ME IT WAS THIS HARD TO BUY A HOUSE? J handled the purchase of our current house because I was planning a wedding.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. April 18, 2011 6:44 PM

    The oatmeal probably is alive at this point. If all else fails I bet it would double as a pretty great wallpaper adhesive. Good luck.

  2. Jenny permalink
    April 18, 2011 7:05 PM

    Bert is the bomb! You’re in great hands with him. Good luck – it will all be over soon! Love the crown wallpaper – excellent choice 🙂

  3. April 18, 2011 7:05 PM

    So I would love that wallpaper, but I am pretty sure since I am the only woman in my house… not going to happen. Maybe just a scrap to hide in my purse?

  4. miss permalink
    April 18, 2011 8:02 PM

    I will say I was a great help in choosing your new house. I am jealous of the crown wallpaper…but have a slight suspicion I might have to help hang it.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      April 18, 2011 8:08 PM

      Eh, I don’t think we are going to get it. They had an estimate and didn’t fix it AND didn’t disclose it when they knew we had the same inspector coming. I think they’ll refuse to fix it.

  5. nancy permalink
    April 18, 2011 9:16 PM

    Ewww. I guess maybe since she didn’t finish eating, it made her unable to remember…that her oatmeal was in in the microwave!! Come to think of it, I can go 2 wks w/out using my microwave.

  6. Lequita permalink
    April 19, 2011 9:08 AM

    Umh, point me in the direction of the CROWN wallpaper 😀

  7. April 19, 2011 9:35 AM

    Might be good that you’re not getting the house. People who leave oatmeal in the microwave for that long aren’t to be trusted. Who knows what else is lurking where?

  8. Allison C. permalink
    April 19, 2011 2:17 PM

    Love, Love, Love the wallpaper! Need a link to it. And girl, run away from foundation issues. Between the cutting corners on that and the casing, I imagine you may even find a few other surprises.

  9. April 19, 2011 8:59 PM

    Please do share where you bought the crown wall paper…amaze!

  10. April 20, 2011 9:40 AM

    Yay! You’ve returned!! I’ve missed you. (Not that I stalked your blog or anything… much). :p

    Uhm, ewwwwwwwwww with the oatmeal in the microwave for two weeks!

    And I love that wallpaper, too! So cute!

    I agree with the others. Who knows what other dangers could lurk there, ya know?

  11. April 20, 2011 5:16 PM

    Wow! I am so sorry you had such a tough time purchasing your home. But seriously though, who keeps oatmeal in a microwave that damn long! Disgusting! On a brighter note, the crown wallpaper is fabulous, and I need to know where you found it…jewels and all! Good luck with the rest of the process!

  12. April 26, 2011 12:28 PM

    sooooo……did you buy it?!? and if so did you have to throw away the microwave to finally get rid of that oatmeal?

  13. April 26, 2011 12:51 PM

    My new firewall program wouldn’t let me open your blog! HAHAHA! That totally made me laugh. Can you imagine if people had to WEAR a firewall contraption around their neck or something, like a dog shock collar for invisible fences? How many times a day do you think you would get electric shocked for saying ****?

    The oatmeal story is awesome. But the amount of un-repaired repairs should not surprise you. After all, you are talking about a family that leaves oatmeal to fester in their microwave for a week or more. Just sayin’

    Em

  14. GrandPam permalink
    May 14, 2011 11:41 AM

    Please write a new blog with your escapades. Miss you outlook….

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