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And that’s how we were held hostage by a cat

September 20, 2011

Saturday, Clifford chased a cat up a tree and I didn’t think anything of it.

I didn’t think anything of it today when I was leaving to get bratchild from school and I saw the cat lounging in our front yard. I still didn’t think anything of it when I left Clifford in the backyard when I went to get bratchild from school. And when I came back with bratchild and the cat ran in front of my car, I still didn’t think anything of it then.

And then I swallowed the fly. (Feels like that, no?)

For those who are concerned, the cat is still alive. I felt like I should get that out of the way.

When I pulled into the driveway, it raced out from under J’s car in front of mine and scared the bejeesus out of me. (The larger the car, the more people/animals/inanimate objects fling themselves in front of me. I almost killed four Mormons on bikes one day.)

Then it jumped up on my windshield and meowed at me and as bratchild and I opened our car doors, the damn cat tried to get in the car with us. Because it had started raining.

It’s not that I am heartless, it’s just that I’m wildly allergic to fucking cats. And I don’t really like them. When they get near me I can’t breathe and my eyes get this thick coating of jello on them. (No. It’s not really jello but that’s the closest comparison.) And they itch. So it really is the allergic thing more than the cats suck thing.

So the three of us-bratchild, me and the cat are standing in the driveway in the rain while I screech “Oh dear lord it’s touching me. And it’s raining. And we’re wet. DO NOT pet it! Is Louis wet? No-you may not feed it. Don’t talk to it either! We don’t want it to like us-it will never leave.”

As we make our way to the front door, the cat continues to weave its way around our legs which isn’t endearing it any to me as I have enough issues walking without furry wet things between my legs.

When we get to the front porch, we can’t get the cat away. It fully intends to enter the house with us.

It’s actually closer to the door than we are and, yes, it’s hiding behind sugar-free fudge bars and Frosty Paws dog ice cream.

If we move at all, it follows us and I realize there’s no way we are getting in the house without the cat. And that just won’t do. And we’re soaked. Then I hear Clifford crying from the backyard. He’s also soaked and pissed off that we are doing something without him in the front yard. (The dog hates water. I’ve been known to follow him around with an umbrella to try to get him to go outside and pee in the rain.)

I release him and he takes off after the cat and scares it up a tree. Which means we can now get in the house. It also means a cat is really high up in a tree and Clifford is fixated and not moving. Problem not solved.

So now, FOUR of us are in the rain getting  more soaked-er by the minute.

We eventually dragged Clifford in the house. The cat? Is still in the tree.

This afternoon didn’t increase my affection for cats. Anyone know what to do with it? I would try to scare it away with a BB gun but we only have real guns so I can’t use those in the front yard and with my luck I’d accidentally shoot it for reals.

Sigh. Damn cats.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. miss permalink
    September 20, 2011 8:13 PM

    Is the poor cat still in the tree?

  2. Emily permalink
    September 21, 2011 8:53 AM

    It is NOT ok to “scare” away a cat with a BB gun. Even a low-powered BB gun can seriously injure an animal. That cat is definitely somebody’s lost or abandoned pet, because feral cats do NOT get in cars with people. They stay as far away from people as possible. The responsible thing to do would be to check posters around town, your local paper, and the local shelter to see if somebody has reported the cat missing.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      September 21, 2011 5:22 PM

      I wasn’t going to shoot the cat-I was just hoping the noise would scare him off. He lives across the street. For some reason, he’s decided he likes my house better.

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