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How to offend a talk show producer in under five minutes

November 8, 2011

I admit it. I am a skeptical person. I would rather be pleasantly surprised than terribly disappointed. In spite of this, I am an extremely happy person and still manage to have a glass half full attitude. Don’t try to understand it. It will just make your head hurt. So trust me on it.

In light of that, and me being lazy and not having a personal assistant/social secretary (yet more reasons why I should have been born to a royal family) I almost never EVER respond to requests for my blog. They want to give me stuff ro review or pay me money or talk to me…and I ignore them. Because I assume they’re spam. (And no, before you email me I’m not going to put a link to your site and let you pay me $5 in installments over a year’s time. Move along. I may be easily amused but I’m not cheap.)

Jewelmint, one of the rare emails I replied to and honestly, probably only because there were sparkles involved, sent me two free pieces of jewelry. They were lovely, packaged lovely and I did offer to review them and post about them. BUT when I emailed to say one of the earrings fell apart after me wearing it for three hours and they never responded? I dropped it. (See: lazy.)

The other day when I was waiting to see my Fat Doctor (I know, I KNOW-more on that Thursday perhaps) I was checking my email and saw I had one from a dude who’s a producer at the “Anderson” show. He wanted to talk to me about a story idea. So I called him back.

Producer Dude: So we’re working on a story about the holidays and family. How’s your family with the holidays? Do you fight over decorations? Argue over who’s the best cook? Have a relative nobody wants to see?
Me: Ummm, not really. We’re loud and fun and goofy but not all dramatical or anything like that.
Producer Dude: So no family feuds?
Me: I mean, I think we should have a gift wrapping contest and that could be pretty ugly…
Producer Dude: But nobody is fighting and disagreeing about decorations?
Me: My husband probably wishes I would decorate less but
Producer Dude: (In Dateline-esque we’ve captured a sexual predator voice) So your husband is DETERMINED to get you to stop decorating?
Me: Yeah, not so much. He laughs about it. The other day we were walking through the neighborhood and I was complaining how a neighbor was trying to compete with my Halloween decorations and said we should set them on fire and
Producer Dude: (In Dateline-esque oh look what our black light found in this hotel room voice) So you were willing to commit ARSON to be the best?
Me: No, sorry. No Jerry Springer-type drama here. (Spoiler alert, this is where I offended him.)
Producer Dude: (in oh my god you bitch drag queen voice) I do NOT work for Jerry Springer.
Me: Got that. Was just an example. How did you get my name anyways?
Producer Dude: From your blog. Call me if you think of anything.

Once we hang up, I’m convinced I am now on a list and will never hear from any TV show ever again. (Remember when I got asked to do an on-camera audition for “Project Mom” and I panicked when they said it was okay I didn’t submit a video because they had lots and I said I wasn’t aware of any sex tapes and they said (I’m paraphrasing) No, dumbass. We have lots of video from your webshow. (Why yes I DO miss Southern Fried Snark and think we should go film on a weekday and broadcast it at night and live chat with viewers. Are you listening Ronda?)

If you thought I’d never hear from them again either (Anderson, not Project Mom-though I haven’t heard from them in a while) you’d be wrong. Producer Dude called back the next day.

Here’s what I WANTED to tell him. Dude, I’m Southern (Well, I was born in Pittsburgh but I’ve lived here 32 of my 34 years and went to Auburn and my Dad thinks I can’t pronounce crayon so, yes, am Southern.) I could have killed a family member with a shovel and buried them in my yard and I wouldn’t go on TV and look trashy about it. Maybe I poisoned crazy Aunt Eula and she’s gagged in the basement with scary latex dude from “American Horror Story“-I’m still not gonna talk about it on national television. A free trip to New York isn’t worth my dignity.

If they want to talk about glitter or fashion or moms who blog/work as a newspaper columnist/do a radio show once a week/do social media for a boutique/have a great husband/amazing daughter-I’m in.

Besides, I don’t think this guy is ready for AmyBlam:
I’d like to suggest he try a buzz cut.

Have any of you ever been on a talk show? Good experience? Bad? Sigh. I have always wanted to go to New York at Christmas. BTW here’s the link for the show description they called me about.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 8, 2011 12:54 PM

    I am so with you. My family is effing crazy too and I love to exploit them on the blog behind their back, but to their face on TV? Not even for a free trip to New York!

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      November 9, 2011 9:53 AM

      Exactly! Plus, who knows if they even would put me up in a non-bed bug hotel. I mean, I have standards.

  2. November 9, 2011 1:36 AM

    Good for you for not selling out. If you & your family act like idiots on tv, it’s there forever – at least on YouTube – & you’ll never get your dignity back (yes, I’m accusing you of having dignity). It’s one one the reasons I like to read your blog. As soon as I get a hint of the words “contest” or “giveaway” I hit delete because I want to read something funny, not win tickets to some lame movie I don’t have time to see anyway. Hang tough, Amy.
    By the way, I disagree about the buzz cut. This Anderson guy’s kind of cute. I’d probably better not tune in to his Jerry Springer-like show and spoil the illusion.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      November 9, 2011 9:55 AM

      I have done, I think, two giveaways. Mainly because I am lazy and I almost never enter other peoples because, again, lazy and why is it so hard to win? I don’t want to text, tweet, submit DNA, like you on facebook and follow you on twitter and blog about it to win something that if I’d spent that time working, I could have earned the money to buy the prize myself.
      Anderson was a “real” journalist. Their show topics last week were polyamorous relationships and 90 year old sorority pledges. Seriously.

  3. November 15, 2011 8:13 PM

    The silver fox, he is so dreamy. I’m sure you aren’t on some “list” and that they will give you a call. Humor is a close second to crazy drama. Wishing you the best!!

  4. November 17, 2011 12:24 PM

    I think it’s pretty awesome, personally, you were contacted to do this, but unless Anderson Cooper was there to hold my hand, I’m not sure I’d want to either. Good for you for not selling out… that producer sounded like a total creep.

    It’s too bad though–NYC is magical this time of year 🙂

  5. November 29, 2011 12:43 PM

    Never been asked to do anything like this, and probably never will be, but it sounds rather lame. 🙂

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