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Touring the neighborhood Christmas lights with ma in her pj’s and pa in his skirt

December 21, 2011

Monday night, I didn’t feel good. I blame the two days I spent at school surrounded by germ monkeys. I had also lost my voice. I think J was going to count that as his Christmas miracle.

I was sitting on the couch in pj’s and he was lounging about in his boxers and a tee when I decided I needed ice cream and NyQuil. He had just poured himself a root beer and rum which I think sounds awful but he swears it’s delicious and what they drank as youngsters growing up outside New Orleans. He tried to convince me I needed NyQuil PLUS a rum and root beer so maybe his Christmas miracle was going to be me sleeping for three days.

Obviously, he needed to be the one to go to the store. However, after whining that I was bored I decided to go with him and asked him to drive me around the neighborhood to “look at the Christmas lights that piss me off.” He donned his kilt and off we went. Though he says since he kept on his boxers, that makes it a skirt.

Yes, this is how J dresses for grocery runs and Christmas light looking.

Now I should say that much like sparkles, I have never met a Christmas light I didn’t like. When it comes to glitter and Christmas lights, you can never have too many. That being said, there are some lights that are too tacky even for me.

The number one house that pisses me off is this one. They didn’t start decorating until after we did and when we went and bought our 15 foot Santa, these assholes bought two. THERE IS ONLY ONE SANTA ALLOWED PER YARD. Everyone knows that.

See? TWO identical big ass Santas. They even put one in the backyard. I think these jackasses have like eight Santas.

 Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that people in the neighborhood decorate and we have LOTS of people that do. But there are some basic rules such as the numero uno aforementioned one Santa per yard. It’s confusing to people. I like my lights to be tacky…but I also want them to have a story. Everyone knows there’s only one real Santa so why junk up your yard with scary ones that are coming out of an RV or an outhouse or, God forbid, dangling limply and dead like from an inflatable chimney. Get it together people.

I also abide by the decorating commandment that Nativity scenes and secular decorations should be separate. I generally use my driveway as a divider but the powers that be in charge of power, aka J, over-ruled me this year.

But I firmly, FIRMLY stand by the time-honored tradition that beach-themed shit is not Christmasy. I don’t want to see a lit palm tree or a pig in a Santa hat (okay not beachy but not Christmasy either) That’s why these neighbors drive me insane. They can’t decide if they want to surf or ski…I mean stick their tongues to metal poles. (Totally combined “Jerry Maguire” AND “A Christmas Story”)

Even my camera refused to properly focus on this nonsense. In case you can’t tell what you’re looking at, let’s review. It’s a flamingo in a Santa hat, a palm tree, and inflatable Christmas Story leg lamp and on the left hiding behind the tree, and rightly so, is Santa and Rudolph at the beach in swim trunks and shades. Oh my eyes. God bless us every one.

What are your decorating commandments?

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. December 21, 2011 12:12 PM

    Amy, where do you live? I need to take the boy driving around in your hood apparently!

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      December 21, 2011 12:16 PM

      Byrd Spring/Fleming Hills

  2. December 21, 2011 12:14 PM

    That first house also has two sections of lights out across the front!

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      December 21, 2011 12:16 PM

      I KNOW! I hate them. Where are pics of your lighting extravaganza?

  3. December 21, 2011 12:27 PM

    Wow. I have to say the one “thing” by the front door looks like a dropper thingy that you use to give babies medicine. Yeah, I can see that means christmas.

  4. jhajer permalink
    December 21, 2011 3:34 PM

    That is hilarious. They totally one upped your Santa. Or 7 Upped it. And the other display? No. Just no.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      December 26, 2011 10:34 PM

      They like 7 upped it for sure. Next year it will probably be 20 upped. And then I’ll find a beebee gun.

  5. December 26, 2011 5:34 PM

    I have just one Christmas decoration commandment: “Thou shalt not leave thy Christmas lights hanging up past Easter.” Frankly, they shouldn’t be hanging up after the second week of January, but I’m feeling a little Christmas generosity.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      December 26, 2011 10:35 PM

      I like to leave decorations up until January 6 but I will confess our colored lights never came out of the tree last year because I did such a spectacular job “installing” them.

  6. December 26, 2011 10:26 PM

    I have issues with using snow, snowflakes, or snowmen to decorate for Christmas. Just because Santa “lives” at the North Pole, there’s no rule that snow-related items are Christmasy. We live in ALABAMA, it doesn’t snow here (often).
    As well, Jesus was born in Bethlehem. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t snow there often either. So what’s with all the dang snow? In relation, I have no issues with using swim shorts Santa or palm trees as Christmas decorations. I’m sure they have them in Hawaii. . .and they celebrate Christmas there too!
    Just a pet peeve.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      December 26, 2011 10:36 PM

      Maybe because it always snows at the North Pole? See…this is why Jesus and Santa need to be separated. Because of climate differences for one.

  7. December 28, 2011 4:22 AM

    I just cannot see the connection between Christmas and beach. I think I need some enlightenment on how these people actually think about the themes they are using. But whatever kind of decorations we have, I hope we do not forget the true spirit of Christmas. I wish we all have holidays as bright as our Christmas lights.

  8. January 5, 2012 12:04 AM

    You are so damn funny! (And I mean it is the best possible way.)

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