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Let’s all be glad a zombie didn’t come in the mail

March 22, 2012

I have a tendency to shop online if I have taken migraine meds and/or nausea meds-the two often go hand in hand you see. Last summer, a lovely straw Kate Spade hat that I had no recollection of ordering showed up:

It's super cute, the lens part is functional.

When I looked at the order form, I was astounded to see it had been placed less than 24 hours before. Plus side? Even when medicated I had the wherewithal to use a discount code AND they overnighted it for free. Because it would be terrible if you had to wait for something you didn’t know you bought in the first place.

ANYWAYS-the other day a package arrived from Zed’s Zombie Ranch and it was addressed to me. If a package for J had come from Zed’s Zombie Ranch I wouldn’t have been shocked. He’s always ordering gun parts and some of those places have weird names. Plus, he’s so mister prepared that he is totally set for the end of the world/zombie apocalypse/electromagnetic pulses–whatever. I have a big fear of the end of the world, solar flares, those damn Mayans, electromagnetic pulses wiping out everything, slugs, shower curtains, the extinction of bees  and zombies. I was totally in a tizzy a couple years ago when I read a for real news article about real life zombies in Texas or somewhere.

Go ahead, you can laugh at my irrational fears. I used to not be concerned about satellite bits falling from the sky until I was a mother and had a little person and would be left devastated if zombies ate her brain or an asteroid fell on her. Motherhood totally changes you.

The package sat by the front door for a WEEK before J was all, “Seriously. Are you going to open that package?” So I did. And was pleasantly surprised. It was not a zombie. And it was totally something I would have ordered had I been in full possession of all my faculties:

But zombies. Yesterday when I was using a glue gun for 5 hours non-stop finishing Easter crafts for a tutorial for the newspaper, I decided to watch The River. Matt aka Casio Kid aka The Fatchelor aka half of the Cubelic and The Kid Show (where you can hear me every Thursday from 9 to 10 am CST) had been talking about the show so I decided to give it a whirl. I really like the show, the plot is super interesting and it’s kind of a blend of Lost, Ghost Whisperer and Supernatural–all shows I love. The creepy doll stuff made it a show my sister can’t watch, but barring that she would like it too. I totally did not expect it to take a zombie/vampire/wtf turn. Last night I had a bunch of crazy dreams.

When I left for Huntsville Adventure Boot Camp this morning at 5:20 and hopped in my car in the dark, I almost died. Lurking in my backseat was a weird bulbous head with round, sparkly sores. A zombie came the whole way from the Amazon to get ME as I was simply trying to exercise. I screamed and leapt out of my car. Before I went to wake up J to shoot it in the head, I needed to know exactly what I was dealing with  so I randomly beat the buttons of my car remote until the interior light came on. I closed one eye and held my breath as the lights came on to reveal…an Easter egg topiary. I had completely and utterly forgotten that I had already loaded it in to the car last night.

Relief flooded me. I would survive to make it to boot camp despite my shock that sparkles, my most favorite thing, almost did me in.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Miss permalink
    March 22, 2012 7:22 AM

    I really don’t like dolls….have you seen the episode of pretty little liars with the doll shop? I could not sleep that night! I don’t know what I will do with all of moms dolls.

  2. Momma permalink
    March 22, 2012 10:12 AM

    AmyBeth, you do know that there is a disease that is erasing bats from our environment? Yes, I know, the whole dracula thing, but bats are really benefical, they eat mosquitoes and other creepy crawly things and we need them for a healthy environment. Just wanted to catch you up so you could worry about the bat population being completely decimated.

    AND, Miss, you know you will grow to love those exquisite antique dolls, just not in your bedroom, and no, the dogs cannot play/sleep with them. xoxoxoxoxoxo to you both.

  3. Lynn Stevens permalink
    March 23, 2012 6:03 PM

    Loved watching every show of The River, my DH and I had our eyes glued to the set every Wed. night. I do hope they continue the show.
    Zombies scare the dickens out of me!
    Great to meet you!
    hugs Lynn

  4. March 24, 2012 10:53 PM

    I don’t know about your boot camp, but mine is so grueling that I think getting done in by a sparkly Easter egg topiary might be a welcome release.
    As for receiving the Kate Spade utterly adorable straw hat that you didn’t know you had ordered, I say “Score!” It’s super cute!

  5. Charlotte permalink
    March 29, 2012 2:06 PM

    How I’ve missed you. It’s been entirely too long since I’ve had a good belly-laugh and your post was a good cure for that. Thanks!

    Zombies scare the bejesus out of me, too. As does anything dealing with the apocalypse.

  6. April 9, 2012 7:16 PM

    OMG! I love the sign. I want one, too! As for the topiary? Not so much. It sounds kind of scary to me. 😉

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