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Things you lose when married to a tall man

April 18, 2012

I’m 5’2″. J is 6’3″. There are lots of things you don’t realize you give up when you marry a tall man until you’ve, well, been married to one.

This realization hit me last night when I was whining about putting sheets on the bed…because I hate it so much. I would totally take a sister-wife and let her hook up with my husband if she would just change my sheets, put away my laundry and blowdry my hair. Honest. J, because he is ever so much sweeter than me, offered to help. To which I whined , “noooooo, you don’t do it riiiiiggggghhhhhttt. You don’t tuck the sheets tight enough.” (I have since come to realize that even if someone else is doing it wrong, at least someone else is doing it. That’s an important life lesson.)

Right. So he was lamenting that he can’t tuck the sheets tight because then he can’t get in the bed but I can’t sleep if the sheets are all loosey goosey and flopping around. It drives me insane if they are uneven as well. Plus, I prefer them to never EVER touch the ground and get even a wisp of dog hair on them. Maybe I am high maintenance. Because I am married to gigantor, we have this platform bed with no footboard. So things one and two you lose? Tight sheets and the chance of ever having a sleigh bed.

We all know the adage that vertical lines are supposed to be lengthening. This only works if they are ON your body. Standing next to a tall man? Just makes you look rounder and squatter and accounts for why I don’t always look so good in pictures with J. (The being short and needing to lose some weight has nothing to do with this.)

Forget ever being able to reach the paper towels. I have not been able to get a new roll of paper towels in the four plus years we have been married. To tall people, crap is never out of reach. I also can’t reach our top shelf of glasses or the shelf with the Tupperware unless I scramble up on the counter and risk life and limb and being buried in an avalanche of lids and containers. Spices are also often out of my grasp. This would matter more if I regularly cooked. But it’s the point.

Everyone is always like ooooh, your husband is so tall, you can wear high heels whenever you want to. Yes, that’s a plus. But let’s face it. I’m 35 and I work as a part-time newspaper columnist. I no longer wear four-inch heels on a daily basis. (I DO suggest wearing heels around the house as part of your normal routine even if it’s with pj’s just so you don’t forget how.)

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to date people taller than me. I don’t know why. It was just a thing I had like an aversion to men in jewelry or jean shorts. Before I met J, I was set up on a blind date with a man who was shorter than I am. Which is tough. He was discussing his motorcycle woes. Apparently, he really loved to ride motorcycles but because of his height, he couldn’t. He had to customize them with side cars and let other people drive them. So the last thing I lost by marrying a tall, handsome man? My shot at EVER driving a motorcycle.

Do you have a height thing?

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Erin Brummett permalink
    April 18, 2012 7:16 AM

    Too funny. I *totally* relate to every one of your points, as my hubby has a foot on me. Another thing you loose is STUFF hidden way up high. Lost my purse once because hubby put it on top of the refridgerator. Like I can even see what’s up there!!! On the plus side, my calves are rockin’ hard because I spend so much time on my tippy toes to look in the mirrors that he’s hung. Nothing like precariously leaning over your bathroom sink, tippie-toed, and attempting to apply eyeliner in the mirror. Thanks Amy. Your posts always make me laugh.

    • AmyBlam permalink*
      April 18, 2012 10:00 AM

      That’s it! My keys aren’t lost, they are out of reach.

  2. rebeccalynn24 permalink
    April 18, 2012 10:24 AM

    Completely relate! My sweet man has 14 inches on me… Unless I’m wearing heels, none of our photos have my waist in them! We usually have to sit at bars in restaurants since his legs don’t fit under most tables, and you can forget ever owning a sports car! You could totally do a follow up to this with all the things you gain! Like becoming a plumber – since I’m small enough to fit underneath the sink! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  3. rebeccalynn24 permalink
    April 18, 2012 10:27 AM

    I can totally relate! My sweet man has 14 inches on me! Unless I’m wearing heels I have no waist in any of our photos! We usually sit at the bar in a restaurant since his legs don’t fit under most tables, and you can forget ever owning a sports car! I can see a future follow up: “Things I gain” – like for me, the one to work on plumbing since I can actually fit under the sink! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  4. April 18, 2012 12:54 PM

    Who has two thumbs and is never making the bed again…

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