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If I die, he will feel badly OR why I am not allowed on WebMD

April 30, 2012

I have had issues with my stomach since forever and as a toddler spent time in the hospital for them to decide that I got to eat rice, lamb, yellow beans, bananas and special hot dogs for several years. People wonder why I am a picky eater.

Regardless, for three days I have had a sharp, stabby pain in my lower left side and since I am used to stomach issues, it’s hard to know if it’s serious or if it’s oh crap I ate pizza. While I was alone, I decided to sneak a peek at WedMD. I have to sneak because people think I overreact to things, J has threatened to put a parental blog on the website and my mother says a severe hangnail can drive me to take to my fainting couch. (In a side note, I really want one of those Cricket for kids TV remotes because it’s exhausting trying to remember which channels I like versus the ones that terrify me with all their the end is nigh/lack of bees/electromagnetic pulse programing.)

According to WebMD I have diverticulitis, an ectopic pregnancy, appendicitis or irritable bowel syndrome. To the last, I respond no shit Sherlock. (Another random sidenote? I often get advertising pitches for my blog which I tend to ignore because a. I’m lazy and b. this is my blog and I don’t want to deal with advertising type people but I did get an awesome one that gave me pause-they started the email with this: “As someone who has discussed poop on their blog…” I don’t know that I HAVE discussed poop THAT OFTEN. Have I?)

Anyways, it has been a long time since I took anatomy and even then we dissected a cat so I always forget what is exactly where in the human body so I went downstairs to bother J–which is my normal response to most things. He tried to find a good example of human anatomy on the web but they sucked and were mainly male. As I explained calmy, whined, about my pain, he said I was fine. So I said, “THEN I AM GOING TO GO TO BED AND WATCH MEDIUM AND DIE IN PEACE AND YOU WILL BE SAD.” Once he started giggling, I went upstairs.

As all this is happening, bratchild is watching Mythbusters and lecturing me how heels, wedges and then snowboots are the most dangerous shoes to drive in. Let’s ALL be glad I don’t own snowboots, shall we? She then hollers at me that 7 drops of super glue can actually hold a car aloft for a short period of time. Filing that away under good to know. (I met the Mythbusters a couple times when I worked for HP.)

While I am listening to bratchild give Mythbusters a play-by-play, J comes to my closet room to tell me he’s sorry to inform me I have testicular cancer. And then he laughs AGAIN and tells me maybe I should call my GI doctor. You think?

Anyways, due to the magics of the internet I am posting this tonight but scheduling this for the morning so perhaps I will have expired by the time you all read this. I will let you know. But internet smarties-what is on MY left side between my belly button and my hip bone?

(My hip bone is starting to protrude nicely thanks to Huntsville Adventure Boot Camp. I lost a TOTAL of 13.5 inches in my last four-week session. Not that I calculated it, Joe did. If I am still alive, I will be there EARLY in the morning .)

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. kelly permalink
    April 30, 2012 6:56 AM

    sounds like an ovarian cyst. do you still have your ovaries? otherwise, that can’t be the problem… ;o)

  2. April 30, 2012 6:57 AM

    I saw a posting on monster.com for a drama queen, you should apply…

  3. April 30, 2012 12:31 PM

    Funny! Is your appendix over there? Maybe a fallopian tube hurts. Ugh, bodies are way to complicated…

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